maybe yes, maybe no
"Everyone says that after 6 months, your girlfriend will completely change". This is what he said to me. Of course, this was followed up with placating statements to the effect that I haven't changed, everything is the same, blah blah etc. But I regret to inform myself that, in some ways, I definitely have. For instance, the Listerine fight? What the fuck was my problem? Actually, my problem was that I was incredibly overtired from spending the entire night before fighting because I was in Boston and he didn't bother to tell me that would be a problem until after I did it. Speaking of the New Year's Eve fight, even though it was scary and exhilarating at the same time, it was mostly just scary. Which makes me think that I am doing the right thing. Because if it wasn't important, it wouldn't be scary, right?
Sometimes I miss being single. Example #1: New Year's Eve. I spent the dawn of 2004 running around the city with my best friend and our male accessories. We kissed, we smoked, we drank, we felt truly alive. This New Year's was a debacle in every sense. Although I adored spending it with Amanda, the positive ends there. I got incredibly fucked up, got long-distance yelled at, and had to remove an extra (unwanted) person from the bed Amanda and I shared. All in all, that sounds like the makings of a fabulous holiday, but it wasn't exactly. If I was single, it would have been filled with possibilities and hilarious next-day stories. Instead, I saw it for what it was, and I just wanted what I couldn't have (even though what I couldn't have was really mean to me that night). But then I remember that I don't want to be single again. Because through all the angry words and the drunken, Aderol induced haze, the thing that I remember being happiest about is coming home. And by coming home, I obviously mean to you.
I little while ago I had a dream about Ryan Cabrera, but really he was you. You know those kind of dreams where everybody is somebody else, and even then they really symbolize somebody else entirely? We were riding in his car and .... it sounds stupid when I retell it. So I won't. But remember you said you could tell I was in love by the way I looked at you when I first woke up? I'm kinda worried that I'm just in love with having someone to wake up with and look adoringly at. Because I really do love that.
When you pick me up at the airport, it is so cinematic. I almost can't stand it. There's that awkward first hour or so when I can't remember how to act normal. Then it gets easy, and I forget all about the awkwardness. Then we go "home". "Home" has lost its literal meaning for me because it always seems to mean your home. Which is another thing that frustrates me, but I can't fix. But the awkwardness always feels like a warning. You are a foreign country that I visit sporadically, and I'm always afraid that my visa is going to expire.
I fell like I'm missing a lot of things. Sometimes it frustrates me to talk to you, but I know it frustrates you even more when I just go missing. We're already so complacent, and we really haven't earned that yet. Even though I'm completely comfortable, I'm scared to get too comfortable. I guess that is preventing the monumental 6 month change, although I don't know what I am expected to change into. I feel like I'm missing out on things that are here because I want to be there, and I'm missing out on things that are there because I am here. I guess what scares me the most is that I can't keep doing this indefinitely. And what happens then? It's a question of how much of myself I'm willing to give up. The answer is nothing, and everything, all at once.