(no subject)
i must know that the waters will always comes back to me - infinite, indefinite, uncertain and violent. cyclic, tides follow from dusk til dawn - but i still try to turn my back.
i grew up so wrapped up and warm,
and fed and cherished and kissed and my cheeks were rosey red and my face was smiling
sweetly and sometimes people can see the brightness in my eyes, that used to be there always
and they can see the smile that i learnt when i was the tiniest, and the most loved, when the world was a pink ceilling and my walls were the wooden bars of my cot.
today surely i must know the water will reach me, every day, i float unsure of where i am going. it is frightening to feel so blind, my past is quickly overlooked, and i am vulnerable to another accident. i spillt milk. i coughed up my dead baby. i am ever changing, insidious, and i decide people are - sliding down my throat, coughing and spitting i am filling myself with black water. it is so devilish and stimulates my heart beat i am addicted, but it works except for my eyes, they still drop and droop.
i'm cold and tired and blurry but boiling my thickened blood, when i see them. some i love enough to poke a stick at, testing these waters, shall i trust.
soon enough the accident comes,i went to the doctor they think i'm deaf, perhaps i just want to be, perhaps i just want to sit up high amongst the stars where i belong. perhaps i want to pretend and looking up from up high i can just watch, i don't want to be interactive on this ground. i don't want the sound track to end, dramatising a life, where dreams are dead in the middle of the ocean. things end. love dies. you don't pray to get what you want, and christmas time is only magical for the children, cos they are fed the happy lies,so it;s lucky if they learn to swim.
i am under the surface and cowardly now.
i have tried so hard to bend the short hand backwards
my eyes water as time shrinks and expands. not good enough.
i am just shutting down, i am settling down with the dead leaves
i am still too tall now to hide or be held.
today i looked down at my feet and despised them,
for no reason except that they were mine.
for the first time i shamefully bowed down my head.
and i was reprimanding my aches and screaming at my pulse
my life, my existence, my heart beat that i should be dead.
i can't stop i can't stop i can't stop being bad.
i looked at the sulky expression, the sunken cheeks,
my deadened eyes which could no longer help me be helped
judged.
i was stuck to the wall - rigid and needy, i felt my self getting bigger,
as my eyes got smaller. i wanted to cover my face but i had to change her eyes.
our mutual smiles -
barely now a memory
so frighteningly abruptly i transform
ugly and haggard and intense
i am frowning, and tainted and bruised and sharp
i am ageing but silly and bitchy
A beggar and without pride, i feel my only hope is pity
though your pity, even, is wearing thin.
i might not be sailing but i know i am here, at least. i take pride being part of this army.
bruising bashfully like a soldier. shutting up like my doctor. i can hear the wind
and feel its bitterness and icyness as it cunningly grabs my security - knowing, now,
i have to let you go with the others and resume my place far behind, a long way to go alone, hafta learn alone .i slept in dreams where bad couldn't be true. bang shattered justice, we can only be a martyr we can only have mercy. acceptance - life is hard.
i grew up so wrapped up and warm,
and fed and cherished and kissed and my cheeks were rosey red and my face was smiling
sweetly and sometimes people can see the brightness in my eyes, that used to be there always
and they can see the smile that i learnt when i was the tiniest, and the most loved, when the world was a pink ceilling and my walls were the wooden bars of my cot.
today surely i must know the water will reach me, every day, i float unsure of where i am going. it is frightening to feel so blind, my past is quickly overlooked, and i am vulnerable to another accident. i spillt milk. i coughed up my dead baby. i am ever changing, insidious, and i decide people are - sliding down my throat, coughing and spitting i am filling myself with black water. it is so devilish and stimulates my heart beat i am addicted, but it works except for my eyes, they still drop and droop.
i'm cold and tired and blurry but boiling my thickened blood, when i see them. some i love enough to poke a stick at, testing these waters, shall i trust.
soon enough the accident comes,i went to the doctor they think i'm deaf, perhaps i just want to be, perhaps i just want to sit up high amongst the stars where i belong. perhaps i want to pretend and looking up from up high i can just watch, i don't want to be interactive on this ground. i don't want the sound track to end, dramatising a life, where dreams are dead in the middle of the ocean. things end. love dies. you don't pray to get what you want, and christmas time is only magical for the children, cos they are fed the happy lies,so it;s lucky if they learn to swim.
i am under the surface and cowardly now.
i have tried so hard to bend the short hand backwards
my eyes water as time shrinks and expands. not good enough.
i am just shutting down, i am settling down with the dead leaves
i am still too tall now to hide or be held.
today i looked down at my feet and despised them,
for no reason except that they were mine.
for the first time i shamefully bowed down my head.
and i was reprimanding my aches and screaming at my pulse
my life, my existence, my heart beat that i should be dead.
i can't stop i can't stop i can't stop being bad.
i looked at the sulky expression, the sunken cheeks,
my deadened eyes which could no longer help me be helped
judged.
i was stuck to the wall - rigid and needy, i felt my self getting bigger,
as my eyes got smaller. i wanted to cover my face but i had to change her eyes.
our mutual smiles -
barely now a memory
so frighteningly abruptly i transform
ugly and haggard and intense
i am frowning, and tainted and bruised and sharp
i am ageing but silly and bitchy
A beggar and without pride, i feel my only hope is pity
though your pity, even, is wearing thin.
i might not be sailing but i know i am here, at least. i take pride being part of this army.
bruising bashfully like a soldier. shutting up like my doctor. i can hear the wind
and feel its bitterness and icyness as it cunningly grabs my security - knowing, now,
i have to let you go with the others and resume my place far behind, a long way to go alone, hafta learn alone .i slept in dreams where bad couldn't be true. bang shattered justice, we can only be a martyr we can only have mercy. acceptance - life is hard.