Rinse, lather, repeat
Rough couple of days emotionaly. THe fungus was amung us so I decided to take a brake from myself and get spun last night. Lots of pretty colors and laughter which was much needed. I actually was laughing and crying simultaniously for a good 3 to 4 hours which was kinda wierd.
The emotional stress, I fear, is not going anywhere soon. Just like me at this point.
It seems that history is repeating itself in more ways than one. taking on others burdens Is nothing new to me. I most deffinitaley have a damsel in distress complex, but it seems no matter what this will always end in the same manor... Sudden loss of interest. I may be spoiled when it comes to women in the sense that I never have actually had to try to pick them up. For whatever reason, probably my own chicken shitedness, they always seem to approach me which is exactly how this pseudo relationship started. I meet meghan, who shows an interest in me the first time we hang out, and we hit it off splendidly. I seriously have not had as good a time with anyone as I had with her for a long time. I thought we really connected and that this would blossom into something more than my typical fling but now I'm starting to think otherwise. Right now, obviously, I cant stop thinking about her. The problem is the last few times we hung out she has been extremely quiet and disassociative. This worries me. OK she has been sick which is no good and that could be all which I'm hoping. Still I'm afraid its more than that. I used to think I was just a wicked ugly, scrawny fuck and that was why I had so many girl problems but now I think there is a lot more to it. What could it be? My lack of direction, my perpetual dorkiness? I don't know. I just feel like some type of party favor in a sense. You get to know me and my novelty just wears off. It seems it is my curse. I sent her a text message tonight to see if we can chill tomorrow. I hope she's down or I may need to go on spin cycle again to distinguish my angst for 6 more hours. I don't know. I seem to have a knack for predicting negative outcomes correctly and I'm afraid it wont be long before I get the message from Meghan to fuck off. I don't want to be alone anymore, I guess no one does. It was great for a while but I miss having someone to think of me and care about me. Most of all I miss romance. True thats not the easiest thing to obtain frequently with a single mother. Meghan is busy busy busy, but again I cant help that I like her, or that I'm falling for yet another girl with mucho emotional baggage. I just know if I let this go It will not be easy to find another girl I can relate to, and wants to be with me. rinse, lather repeat, or rather, fall, break, and pick up the peices. Thus is my sad and sorry life. path of self destruction 1, shiggity 0. But, I guess thats just the way it is. I just keep playing the same cards with the same angle no matter how many times I am beaten. They say learn from the past or your bound to repeat it. I thought I had taken extensive notes but apparently I am missing something. Am I that bad of a person that no one wants to be with me? So it would seem. I always had a secret fear, and also preminission that I would die old and lonely. I pray this isn't the case, but maybe all I am is what I have been, a face at the party, sometimes the life of the party, but always the first to go home alone. I dont know how I can keep taking this, I wish it was possible for my heasrt to give up on this constant yearning and accept the facts. That it will always be rinse, lather, repeat. I just wish someone could tell me what was wrong with me so I could fix it, but alas all I'll ever get is, buck up kid someones out there for you. If that is the case then please come and find me soon. Before there's not much left to find.
Drift through space again
Last frontier
I’ll take the first beer to the left and then
Straight on ‘till morning
Misdirection
Has brought me here
But once your innocents is lost there’s no
Time for mourning
And every time I sang a song
I gave you a piece of myself
And every time you sang along
I gave you a piece of yourself
And what am I supposed to do
When the bridges are burning
And what do I have left to prove
When I’ve already been over this
And what do I have left to lose
Since the moment is fleeting
And what do I have left to choose
Knowing that all good things come to an end
State my case again
So sincere
This time I thought she’d understand why my
Hopes were soaring
Take my place again
Familiar tears
Will come in time just to remind me I’m
Lost and boring
The emotional stress, I fear, is not going anywhere soon. Just like me at this point.
It seems that history is repeating itself in more ways than one. taking on others burdens Is nothing new to me. I most deffinitaley have a damsel in distress complex, but it seems no matter what this will always end in the same manor... Sudden loss of interest. I may be spoiled when it comes to women in the sense that I never have actually had to try to pick them up. For whatever reason, probably my own chicken shitedness, they always seem to approach me which is exactly how this pseudo relationship started. I meet meghan, who shows an interest in me the first time we hang out, and we hit it off splendidly. I seriously have not had as good a time with anyone as I had with her for a long time. I thought we really connected and that this would blossom into something more than my typical fling but now I'm starting to think otherwise. Right now, obviously, I cant stop thinking about her. The problem is the last few times we hung out she has been extremely quiet and disassociative. This worries me. OK she has been sick which is no good and that could be all which I'm hoping. Still I'm afraid its more than that. I used to think I was just a wicked ugly, scrawny fuck and that was why I had so many girl problems but now I think there is a lot more to it. What could it be? My lack of direction, my perpetual dorkiness? I don't know. I just feel like some type of party favor in a sense. You get to know me and my novelty just wears off. It seems it is my curse. I sent her a text message tonight to see if we can chill tomorrow. I hope she's down or I may need to go on spin cycle again to distinguish my angst for 6 more hours. I don't know. I seem to have a knack for predicting negative outcomes correctly and I'm afraid it wont be long before I get the message from Meghan to fuck off. I don't want to be alone anymore, I guess no one does. It was great for a while but I miss having someone to think of me and care about me. Most of all I miss romance. True thats not the easiest thing to obtain frequently with a single mother. Meghan is busy busy busy, but again I cant help that I like her, or that I'm falling for yet another girl with mucho emotional baggage. I just know if I let this go It will not be easy to find another girl I can relate to, and wants to be with me. rinse, lather repeat, or rather, fall, break, and pick up the peices. Thus is my sad and sorry life. path of self destruction 1, shiggity 0. But, I guess thats just the way it is. I just keep playing the same cards with the same angle no matter how many times I am beaten. They say learn from the past or your bound to repeat it. I thought I had taken extensive notes but apparently I am missing something. Am I that bad of a person that no one wants to be with me? So it would seem. I always had a secret fear, and also preminission that I would die old and lonely. I pray this isn't the case, but maybe all I am is what I have been, a face at the party, sometimes the life of the party, but always the first to go home alone. I dont know how I can keep taking this, I wish it was possible for my heasrt to give up on this constant yearning and accept the facts. That it will always be rinse, lather, repeat. I just wish someone could tell me what was wrong with me so I could fix it, but alas all I'll ever get is, buck up kid someones out there for you. If that is the case then please come and find me soon. Before there's not much left to find.
Drift through space again
Last frontier
I’ll take the first beer to the left and then
Straight on ‘till morning
Misdirection
Has brought me here
But once your innocents is lost there’s no
Time for mourning
And every time I sang a song
I gave you a piece of myself
And every time you sang along
I gave you a piece of yourself
And what am I supposed to do
When the bridges are burning
And what do I have left to prove
When I’ve already been over this
And what do I have left to lose
Since the moment is fleeting
And what do I have left to choose
Knowing that all good things come to an end
State my case again
So sincere
This time I thought she’d understand why my
Hopes were soaring
Take my place again
Familiar tears
Will come in time just to remind me I’m
Lost and boring