sad desperation...
This was an interesting weekend of realizations mixed with disappointment and a little bit of sadness. Several of the people that I considered to be my good friends (actually,some of the few people that I have ever really considered friends, and many that I have know most of my life) came home this weekend. They seemed to all make plans to spend
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I just happened to catch this entry, and I want to say something to you.
You work, and you're on top of your shit, and I can barely manage to buy groceries and get by WITH my parents paying for rent and my phone and all those things that make life comfortable for me. You are so much more capable and responsible than I have ever been, than I can even see myself being. And I admire you even more for knowing who you are and refusing to pander to people who won't accept you. I don't want to pretend that I know exactly how you feel, but I do know that I have felt that I didn't have any friends, that nobody likes me, that I am incapable of talking to people sometimes. I call some people from home, and they never call me back. It hurts. I wonder if it's because of something I did in high school, and I want to tell them that I've grown a bit, that I understand more, that I've changed since high school. But maybe they know that and that puts them off, or they don't care anyway because I'm not cool enough or something.
After I left OCS and made some friends who I do feel really care about me, the superficiality of our school started to disgust me more and more. But Laura, you have never been like that, you were never a part of that. You have never been superficial. You always have seemed to have a sense of who you are, morals you stand by, you don't smoke or drink because you don't want to, and you aren't obsessed with going to all the parties. And I admire that. A lot. I feel like I wasted so much in high school, so much energy caring about a whole bunch of bullshit.
I called you once last year, and I really enjoyed talking to you. I said that I was going to call you again, and I didn't. But that didn't have anything to do with you, and I swear to God when I say that. I'm just out of it a lot of the time, really busy and overwhelemed, and it's hard for me to remember to call my mom, let alone old friends (who I haven't kept in touch with at all, I really really suck at that).
I guess my point is that I'm sorry I didn't value you more when I was around, and I'm sorry that it might be too late to make up for that. More than that, I wanted you to know how much you've always impressed me with your responsibility and common sense, two things that I'm constantly lacking. I'm home for two days (I actually called you to come to the film fest. tonight, but I assume you had school or work or something).
I wanted to tell you that I want to be your friend, if you'll have me, but that's probably to much to ask right now. So I'm going to give you a call tomorrow, and we'll see how that goes. I know that I live far away, and that it's hard to keep in touch, but I really do want to talk to you and I really do admire you. I don't have so many friends anymore, at least, not in any "social scene" sense (cough- thank god!), but the ones I do have are my family, and we care for each other. I think that everyone needs that, and I wish that your situation was different, and that it was easier for you to get to know people. But let me make this clear, that this is NOT coming out of pity- merely admiration for somebody who I find interesting, intelligent, articulate and independent, and above all else, incredibly caring- and now that I'm a little bit older, maybe I'm ready to really be your friend.
Wow, that was fucking long. I haven't been online in like two months, get me near a fucking keyboard and my fingers don't fucking stop.
-Rachel H.
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