This is a long post // But so worth it !!!!
Just to share this is what Cindy received as an actual submission to critique in her college-level Creative Writing class (on the Taboo topic.) Enjoy!
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She was lying on the soft
Green grass, when I found
Her. In the open field, with
The moonlight shining around her
Pure and exquisite body, she
Was waiting for me.
I lay down next to her
Trembling flesh and my fingers
Flowed across her bare
Arm. She gazed directly into my
Eyes as she moved closer.
On inch from my face, feeling her
Cool and inconsistent breathing, her eyes
shut. I could feel my hands on her
head and back as she brushed
her voluptuous lips across mine.
Her open blouse exposed to
The full moon, I covered her
With my jittery body. Suddenly,
I felt the taste of her red
Tongue in my mouth.
And we kissed.
I moved my hand inside her
Blouse and massaged her
Melon-shaped breast. She silently
Moaned to the deserted field.
No one would see us tonight.
Her lips parted from mine
And my ear tickled with
Her rapturous voice, “I love you,”
She said, and with that,
I sank my long, hard,
jagged teeth deep
into her ghostly white neck.
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Brian’s poem meets all of the basic required criteria. It does not use sing song rhyme and it avoids obvious clichés and hackneyed language. My favorite part of this poem was hw the author was able to get in touch with his memory and used that past period of his life including thoughts patterns to convey the emotions and the feeling of his first time kissing a girl. Being able to use the language of that time; from melon-shaped breast and voluptuous lips to her red tongue I was able to envision a thirteen year old boy getting to second base. When I read the part about the jittered young man and how he was covering the cool, young girl I felt that he accurately displayed a place and time and opened up the reader to experience such a personal moment in his life. The story was so clear that it leaves me little else to write. The lack of complicated metaphors and abstractions gave a clear conveyance of the writer’s intent, except for the very end when he talks about biting; which is not typical of a normal virgin. The final stanza teased us with the hidden subtext of the author’s vampyric biting fetish.
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*Keep in mind she wanted to write something he would be able to comprehend and wouldn’t give up on ever attempting to actually mate with his same species. He probably got a hard on just trying to re-live a moment that never happened. As she reads the response to him he will probably crumble his desperate attempt at a love letter in his backpack and go home crying to his grandparents.
**He wears an Indiana Jones hat, writes in a Harry Potter Journal, and needless to say will forever experience the joys of masturbation.
Compliments of Cindy and Gabriel.
____________________________________________________________________
She was lying on the soft
Green grass, when I found
Her. In the open field, with
The moonlight shining around her
Pure and exquisite body, she
Was waiting for me.
I lay down next to her
Trembling flesh and my fingers
Flowed across her bare
Arm. She gazed directly into my
Eyes as she moved closer.
On inch from my face, feeling her
Cool and inconsistent breathing, her eyes
shut. I could feel my hands on her
head and back as she brushed
her voluptuous lips across mine.
Her open blouse exposed to
The full moon, I covered her
With my jittery body. Suddenly,
I felt the taste of her red
Tongue in my mouth.
And we kissed.
I moved my hand inside her
Blouse and massaged her
Melon-shaped breast. She silently
Moaned to the deserted field.
No one would see us tonight.
Her lips parted from mine
And my ear tickled with
Her rapturous voice, “I love you,”
She said, and with that,
I sank my long, hard,
jagged teeth deep
into her ghostly white neck.
_____________________________________________________________________
Brian’s poem meets all of the basic required criteria. It does not use sing song rhyme and it avoids obvious clichés and hackneyed language. My favorite part of this poem was hw the author was able to get in touch with his memory and used that past period of his life including thoughts patterns to convey the emotions and the feeling of his first time kissing a girl. Being able to use the language of that time; from melon-shaped breast and voluptuous lips to her red tongue I was able to envision a thirteen year old boy getting to second base. When I read the part about the jittered young man and how he was covering the cool, young girl I felt that he accurately displayed a place and time and opened up the reader to experience such a personal moment in his life. The story was so clear that it leaves me little else to write. The lack of complicated metaphors and abstractions gave a clear conveyance of the writer’s intent, except for the very end when he talks about biting; which is not typical of a normal virgin. The final stanza teased us with the hidden subtext of the author’s vampyric biting fetish.
_____________________________________________________________________
*Keep in mind she wanted to write something he would be able to comprehend and wouldn’t give up on ever attempting to actually mate with his same species. He probably got a hard on just trying to re-live a moment that never happened. As she reads the response to him he will probably crumble his desperate attempt at a love letter in his backpack and go home crying to his grandparents.
**He wears an Indiana Jones hat, writes in a Harry Potter Journal, and needless to say will forever experience the joys of masturbation.
Compliments of Cindy and Gabriel.