the next albee.
Lights up on DAN, who is sitting, pleasantly, by himself. He whistles or leans back; twiddles thumbs. Is idle, amiable. He is waiting, but not uncomfortably. Enter BOBBIE: ponytailed, black bag matches black shoes. They wait together, she hates waiting. She is dressed as though she is a together sort of person, but flops about in speech and action.
BOBBIE: I hate waiting.
DAN: (startled) Oh--Me too.
BOBBIE: Sorry...that was, uh--weird.
DAN: Okay.
PAUSE.
enter JUICY in a juicy couture sweatsuit.
JUICY: Lordy.
BOBBIE: Mm-Hmm.
DAN: Auburn.
JUICY: You said it!
BOBBIE: Yeah.
JUICY: Hey, aren't you the mouth model?
BOBBIE AND DAN: Why yes! (looking at each other) Oh!
JUICY: Hah--I thought i recognized you.
BOBBIE AND DAN: Which?
JUICY: Hmm?
BOBBIE: Which?
JUICY: What?
BOBBIE: WHICH?
JUICY: You bitch!
DAN: No, she meant "w-h-i-c-h"
JUICY: Hoh.
BOBBIE: Hopi?
JUICY: No.
DAN: Nil.
BOBBIE: Nul.
Silence.
DAN: We wanted to know who you recognized.
JUICY: What? Oh, did you see me talking to myself? (Waves to SELF) I'm Juicy.
DAN: I can see that!
JUICY: You recognized my canines?
DAN: Of Course.
BOBBIE: (hangs head) Off Course.
JUICY: First course! (produces gum from BOBBIE'S purse.)
BOBBIE: You're the JC who did The Acclimating Cormorants?
JUICY: Of course!
DAN: (feels slacks) How coarse.
BOBBIE: I'm Bobbie Low, I did the Campaign Before Christ--
DAN: -tal?
JUICY: Not the champagne meathock. You did BC?
DAN: And you did AD?
JUICY: I can focus just fine thankyou.
BOBBIE: Focus! Focus! (laughs) You know--like in a movie when the man in the little room's broken his glasses.
DAN: Aha!
JUICY: What is it?
DAN: We've sat on our pope! (removes mitre from rectum)
JUICY: Good God!
BOBBIE: Thank God you didn't say Holy Shit.
DAN: I suppose it was. I'm Dan, by the way. I did "Bastards Carnival Enter"
BOBBIE: BCE?
BAN: ABC!
BOBBIE: Excuse me?
DAN: Absolutely Botched Calmaté.
BOBBIE: I See.
JUICY: Of Course.
BOBBIE: (To Self) OC.
DAN: Can We?
JUICY: Orange County?
BOBBIE: Maybe.
DAN: (sings) I'd try to fly--
BOBBIE: Once there was a boy named Grape-O.
(ENTER GRAPE-O)
BOBBIE: And he loved his Aunt very very much. So much, in fact, that God said "Grape-O, you love your Aunt too much. You're not in some damn Boticelli movie."
JUICY: You mean?
BOBBIE: (epically) and God said "Whatever." And smote his aunt with nailclippers.
(JUICY clips her nails until the God-music of a chorus begins, then she smites herself and dies.)
BOBBIE: THE END!
(DAN LOOKS UP FROM PICKING TOES)
GRAPE-O: The sun rises red,
cold floor becomes standoffish,
God's Socks Warm My Feet.
FIN
BOBBIE: I hate waiting.
DAN: (startled) Oh--Me too.
BOBBIE: Sorry...that was, uh--weird.
DAN: Okay.
PAUSE.
enter JUICY in a juicy couture sweatsuit.
JUICY: Lordy.
BOBBIE: Mm-Hmm.
DAN: Auburn.
JUICY: You said it!
BOBBIE: Yeah.
JUICY: Hey, aren't you the mouth model?
BOBBIE AND DAN: Why yes! (looking at each other) Oh!
JUICY: Hah--I thought i recognized you.
BOBBIE AND DAN: Which?
JUICY: Hmm?
BOBBIE: Which?
JUICY: What?
BOBBIE: WHICH?
JUICY: You bitch!
DAN: No, she meant "w-h-i-c-h"
JUICY: Hoh.
BOBBIE: Hopi?
JUICY: No.
DAN: Nil.
BOBBIE: Nul.
Silence.
DAN: We wanted to know who you recognized.
JUICY: What? Oh, did you see me talking to myself? (Waves to SELF) I'm Juicy.
DAN: I can see that!
JUICY: You recognized my canines?
DAN: Of Course.
BOBBIE: (hangs head) Off Course.
JUICY: First course! (produces gum from BOBBIE'S purse.)
BOBBIE: You're the JC who did The Acclimating Cormorants?
JUICY: Of course!
DAN: (feels slacks) How coarse.
BOBBIE: I'm Bobbie Low, I did the Campaign Before Christ--
DAN: -tal?
JUICY: Not the champagne meathock. You did BC?
DAN: And you did AD?
JUICY: I can focus just fine thankyou.
BOBBIE: Focus! Focus! (laughs) You know--like in a movie when the man in the little room's broken his glasses.
DAN: Aha!
JUICY: What is it?
DAN: We've sat on our pope! (removes mitre from rectum)
JUICY: Good God!
BOBBIE: Thank God you didn't say Holy Shit.
DAN: I suppose it was. I'm Dan, by the way. I did "Bastards Carnival Enter"
BOBBIE: BCE?
BAN: ABC!
BOBBIE: Excuse me?
DAN: Absolutely Botched Calmaté.
BOBBIE: I See.
JUICY: Of Course.
BOBBIE: (To Self) OC.
DAN: Can We?
JUICY: Orange County?
BOBBIE: Maybe.
DAN: (sings) I'd try to fly--
BOBBIE: Once there was a boy named Grape-O.
(ENTER GRAPE-O)
BOBBIE: And he loved his Aunt very very much. So much, in fact, that God said "Grape-O, you love your Aunt too much. You're not in some damn Boticelli movie."
JUICY: You mean?
BOBBIE: (epically) and God said "Whatever." And smote his aunt with nailclippers.
(JUICY clips her nails until the God-music of a chorus begins, then she smites herself and dies.)
BOBBIE: THE END!
(DAN LOOKS UP FROM PICKING TOES)
GRAPE-O: The sun rises red,
cold floor becomes standoffish,
God's Socks Warm My Feet.
FIN