(no subject)
I'm worried my marriage is ending.
I love Richard. So so much. And he says he loves me. But we're always so stressed and on edge. Seems like we're always angry at each other. And I don't even always know why.
I know some of it of course.
Money.
We're so freakin' broke and it's not looking like it's going to get better. He thinks I need a job. I think we can't afford it. But we also can't afford how things are right now. We can't pay rent. We don't have gas on so we don't even have an over. We've been using an electric skillet and microwave. When we need something made in an oven we have to take it to IL's and MIL makes it for us. I'm so sick of it. But we can't afford to get the gas turned back on. No, not even with LEAP.
If I go back to work and get a full time job paying $10hr, I will probably bring home about $350 a week. But both Kayden and Izzy will need to be in daycare full time since MIL is taking care of FIL (going through round 2 of chemo). That's $260 a week. Okay, so that knocks me down to bringing home $90 a week. But then I'll also need to get clothes to wear for work since I have nothing that would work. And the extra driving on the car. Plus take something for lunch. Right now I get through the day with no lunch. But if I work I'm going to NEED food. So that's 5 extra meals a week.
Oh, and that would bring our income up high enough to where the kids would be kicked off medicaid (and possibly too high for CHP+ too). So now we'd have to pay out of pocket for Ayla's therapy and meds (when she gets on them). What if Izzy or Kayden get sick again and have to go to the doctor? Oh, but my job might have insurance. That would help with medical expenses, but would lower what I would *make* each week. So then I might bring home about $60 a week, if I'm lucky. And if the kids do get sick they won't be able to go to daycare, so either Richard or I would have to take a day off to stay with them. Which lowers our income even more.
And let's not forget the non-financial impact. My mental health. When I think about having to go back to work. Dealing with people I don't know on a daily basis. Well, hello panic attack. I even have a horrible headache now just from thinking about it. But mental health isn't *real* apparently. People need to *get over it*. Yeah, my mental health doesn't matter to Richard. He can deal with work, so I should too.
And that's all if I'm able to find a job paying $10hr. If I find something paying less then, well, we'd be PAYING for me to work. But Richard doesn't look at all those little pieces. He just sees the fact that we have *more month than money* right now. And we do. But sending me back to work isn't going to help that. :( But until I agree to do it anyway, he's angry. Angry angry angry. Always angry.
Ayla.
Ayla is a HUGE problem for us. Most of it comes back to mental health issues and the fact that to Richard they aren't *real* apparently. In his mind Ayla is just being manipulative. He doesn't believe she's bipolar (or anything). He doesn't think medication will help her. He doesn't think therapy will help her. He thinks I'm not strict enough with her. He thinks I'm a pushover. Basically he seems to think she's a horrible kid, and that I'm a horrible mom. If I don't handle things EXACTLY how he thinks they should be handled then I'm doing it wrong. But of course I don't think things need to be handled the same way he thinks because he doesn't believe she has any mental health issues, so he acts like she just a kid who is defiant and manipulative and rude. If that was all she was then I'd probably agree with his ways more, but that's NOT the issue.
Gah. I'm not explaining this very well.
It comes down to an all or nothing attitude. Either I do everything the way he thinks I should with Ayla, or he wants nothing to do with anything regarding her.
For example, I pulled her from school today. She's having troubles in school again. Grades dropped horribly, troubles with some kids, etc. She wasn't doing well at all. I think homeschooling (as best I can) and focusing on getting her stabilized is the best idea. We need to work on therapy. But Richard thinks that teaching her to run away from her problems and letting her get away with crap. So now he's acting like a total shit. Withdrawn, sullen, grumpy. I hate it. :(
I can't please everyone. Heck, I can't seem to please ANYONE. If I do what I think is right for Ayla, it pisses off Richard. If I do what he thinks is right then it hurts Ayla. And Richard is still pissy because Ayla gets worse. And forget taking care of what *I* need. I'm caught in the middle.
Oh, and have I mentioned that Richard and I haven't had sex since before Izzy was born. Yeah. He *says* he still finds me attractive. But he doesn't show it AT ALL. And sure, I know we're scared of another *oops*, but dang it. He agreed to get a V, but he won't call and make an appointment to find out info on it. Makes me think he just wants to keep the excuse of being afraid of getting me pregnant again. Because if he GOT the V he wouldn't have that excuse and he'd have to own up to not getting turned on by me anymore. Ya know?
So yeah, I'm left feeling like my marriage is over. I love him. More than I've ever loved anyone. And *I* will never leave. But I keep expecting the conversation to come at any point. I keep expecting the words "I want a divorce" to come out of his mouth. And I don't know how I'll handle it. I wish we could go to marriage counseling. But we can't afford it, and he doesn't believe in therapy. So yeah. Instead I'll just cry myself into a fitful sleep alone every night.
I love Richard. So so much. And he says he loves me. But we're always so stressed and on edge. Seems like we're always angry at each other. And I don't even always know why.
I know some of it of course.
Money.
We're so freakin' broke and it's not looking like it's going to get better. He thinks I need a job. I think we can't afford it. But we also can't afford how things are right now. We can't pay rent. We don't have gas on so we don't even have an over. We've been using an electric skillet and microwave. When we need something made in an oven we have to take it to IL's and MIL makes it for us. I'm so sick of it. But we can't afford to get the gas turned back on. No, not even with LEAP.
If I go back to work and get a full time job paying $10hr, I will probably bring home about $350 a week. But both Kayden and Izzy will need to be in daycare full time since MIL is taking care of FIL (going through round 2 of chemo). That's $260 a week. Okay, so that knocks me down to bringing home $90 a week. But then I'll also need to get clothes to wear for work since I have nothing that would work. And the extra driving on the car. Plus take something for lunch. Right now I get through the day with no lunch. But if I work I'm going to NEED food. So that's 5 extra meals a week.
Oh, and that would bring our income up high enough to where the kids would be kicked off medicaid (and possibly too high for CHP+ too). So now we'd have to pay out of pocket for Ayla's therapy and meds (when she gets on them). What if Izzy or Kayden get sick again and have to go to the doctor? Oh, but my job might have insurance. That would help with medical expenses, but would lower what I would *make* each week. So then I might bring home about $60 a week, if I'm lucky. And if the kids do get sick they won't be able to go to daycare, so either Richard or I would have to take a day off to stay with them. Which lowers our income even more.
And let's not forget the non-financial impact. My mental health. When I think about having to go back to work. Dealing with people I don't know on a daily basis. Well, hello panic attack. I even have a horrible headache now just from thinking about it. But mental health isn't *real* apparently. People need to *get over it*. Yeah, my mental health doesn't matter to Richard. He can deal with work, so I should too.
And that's all if I'm able to find a job paying $10hr. If I find something paying less then, well, we'd be PAYING for me to work. But Richard doesn't look at all those little pieces. He just sees the fact that we have *more month than money* right now. And we do. But sending me back to work isn't going to help that. :( But until I agree to do it anyway, he's angry. Angry angry angry. Always angry.
Ayla.
Ayla is a HUGE problem for us. Most of it comes back to mental health issues and the fact that to Richard they aren't *real* apparently. In his mind Ayla is just being manipulative. He doesn't believe she's bipolar (or anything). He doesn't think medication will help her. He doesn't think therapy will help her. He thinks I'm not strict enough with her. He thinks I'm a pushover. Basically he seems to think she's a horrible kid, and that I'm a horrible mom. If I don't handle things EXACTLY how he thinks they should be handled then I'm doing it wrong. But of course I don't think things need to be handled the same way he thinks because he doesn't believe she has any mental health issues, so he acts like she just a kid who is defiant and manipulative and rude. If that was all she was then I'd probably agree with his ways more, but that's NOT the issue.
Gah. I'm not explaining this very well.
It comes down to an all or nothing attitude. Either I do everything the way he thinks I should with Ayla, or he wants nothing to do with anything regarding her.
For example, I pulled her from school today. She's having troubles in school again. Grades dropped horribly, troubles with some kids, etc. She wasn't doing well at all. I think homeschooling (as best I can) and focusing on getting her stabilized is the best idea. We need to work on therapy. But Richard thinks that teaching her to run away from her problems and letting her get away with crap. So now he's acting like a total shit. Withdrawn, sullen, grumpy. I hate it. :(
I can't please everyone. Heck, I can't seem to please ANYONE. If I do what I think is right for Ayla, it pisses off Richard. If I do what he thinks is right then it hurts Ayla. And Richard is still pissy because Ayla gets worse. And forget taking care of what *I* need. I'm caught in the middle.
Oh, and have I mentioned that Richard and I haven't had sex since before Izzy was born. Yeah. He *says* he still finds me attractive. But he doesn't show it AT ALL. And sure, I know we're scared of another *oops*, but dang it. He agreed to get a V, but he won't call and make an appointment to find out info on it. Makes me think he just wants to keep the excuse of being afraid of getting me pregnant again. Because if he GOT the V he wouldn't have that excuse and he'd have to own up to not getting turned on by me anymore. Ya know?
So yeah, I'm left feeling like my marriage is over. I love him. More than I've ever loved anyone. And *I* will never leave. But I keep expecting the conversation to come at any point. I keep expecting the words "I want a divorce" to come out of his mouth. And I don't know how I'll handle it. I wish we could go to marriage counseling. But we can't afford it, and he doesn't believe in therapy. So yeah. Instead I'll just cry myself into a fitful sleep alone every night.