I cannot replicate how I felt that day; all I remember is that I fel that the entire tone was in the wrong category of fantasy... more like Star Trek, and things like that - almost Mary-Suish.
First off, I was peeved to find that this was practically unbetaed. Or if you had a beta, well, s/he was doing a damnable job. It's just all those little mistakes that nibble on the edge of your story, especially when the story is just average to start with.
Following is (mostly) a list of spelling/grammatical errors.
anythign other than normal people self-explanatory
good lay down good lie down
prophesy prophecy: a matter of noun vs. verb
agry hissing of words self-explanatory
by some sheer luck by sheer luck would have been just fine
the world had faced its end the world would have had faced its end
strenght needed self-explanatory
Why would the lighter being made of steel intrest Crowley?
And when you say It usually had that effect are you referring to Newt? Or some other thing? Anathema's smile, perhaps?
You should never be unclear about what you mean, and force your reader to go back and forth trying to decide what you mean. If you want to build a trap, to make the reader think about what you said, and its implications, go ahead. Just build it so that the reader doesn't fall through the branches covering the trap-pit on the first round, and only when the reader comes back and stomps on the branches does s/he fall through. In other words, do it intentionally.
Also, Power (to hide their forms)? Please, you could have phrased that better, couldn't you? Power with a small 'p' would also have done nicely. That is just unimaginative, unskilled writing - trying to grab your reader's attention using cheap gimmicks like capital letters works, but it also cheapens the story.
My other peeve would be the inclusion of the Book. It was burned, wasn't it? The whole point of that sequence where Adam saw Agnes was to indicate that Anathema could finally put down her career as a professional desecendant, and live a relatively normal life. Unless you add a bit where Anathema saves the Book from the flames or something, which would defeat the whole spirit of GO.
What I truly felt was sub-par about this chapter of this story is extremely difficult to put in words. The Mary-Suishness was one part of it, as was the grammer/spelling mistakes. It just didn't settle well.
The first chapter was better. But again, with the spelling mistakes! Beta first before posting, please! And you turn green with envy, not red. Nor do you use first gear with your car when going at top speed, unless you want to spoil your car. Although, this might concievably not bother Crowley as he can easily put things back. There were other things too, that bothered me, but I believe it could have been avoided with the simple expedient of a beta.
It would have been far easier if you had just pointed out that we had some spelling errors and confusion of verbs and nouns, rather than start yelling that we've mutilated the English language and written the worst piece of crap ever found on the internet...
Mostly, it appears to be that what has vexed you mostly is spelling errors. Yes, I admit that those are there, and when pointed out, I do wonder how some of those could make their way in without neither Silverwolf nor I had spotted them. However, there are a few things that I noticed as well.
Firstly, what part of "strenght needed" is wrong? To me, it isn't self-explanining.
Secondly, we applied the word Power, with a capital P, to express that Crowley and Aziraphale DO have powers that allow them to change their form, the mind of others and even influence how the world works. The capital P is because it's isn't just power, but Power. Just as you don't spell god, but God.
Thirdly, we only ASSUME that the book was burned. We had nothing in Good Omens that told us it was burned, but only have Newt commenting that they ought to burn it.
Fourthly, the lighter looks like something from the 23rd century, BECAUSE it's made of steel. Also, at least where I come from, steel-lighters are quite expensive, and, as such, a symbol of high status in the society, thus enhancing Crowley's image of being a yuppie.
As for the fifth thing, where exactly is it said that Crowley drives in first gear?
And where, exactly, is there anything Mary-Sueish? That we have Anathema appearing, or that we actually let her interact with her enviroment?
strenght needed spelling error. Should be "strength". I should know, I have the same mistake practically all the time.
Power, with a capital P it just came across as cheap. I'm sorry.
Where I come from steel-lighters are... well, I wouldn't say common, but they're popping up. And this is from someone who doesn't actively go out and ask people "what kind of lighters do you have?"
first gear That would be the first chapter. Your partner did ask me about the first chapter as well, did she not?
As I said, the overall feel is difficult to put in words, mainly because I've never been much of a methodical person. If I feel something is right, then it just *is*. That is my value system.
A Mary-Sue is not necessarily a girl, or even a guy. In this case, I suppose the Mary-Sue to me would be the Book. It was indeed almost spelt out that the second Book was burned if you'd care to read the bit where Adam saw Agnes' face in the smoke from Jasmine Cottage, so in bringing back the new Book, you'd be creating a Mary-Sue.
First off, I was peeved to find that this was practically unbetaed. Or if you had a beta, well, s/he was doing a damnable job. It's just all those little mistakes that nibble on the edge of your story, especially when the story is just average to start with.
Following is (mostly) a list of spelling/grammatical errors.
anythign other than normal people self-explanatory
good lay down good lie down
prophesy prophecy: a matter of noun vs. verb
agry hissing of words self-explanatory
by some sheer luck by sheer luck would have been just fine
the world had faced its end the world would have had faced its end
strenght needed self-explanatory
Why would the lighter being made of steel intrest Crowley?
And when you say It usually had that effect are you referring to Newt? Or some other thing? Anathema's smile, perhaps?
You should never be unclear about what you mean, and force your reader to go back and forth trying to decide what you mean. If you want to build a trap, to make the reader think about what you said, and its implications, go ahead. Just build it so that the reader doesn't fall through the branches covering the trap-pit on the first round, and only when the reader comes back and stomps on the branches does s/he fall through. In other words, do it intentionally.
Also, Power (to hide their forms)? Please, you could have phrased that better, couldn't you? Power with a small 'p' would also have done nicely. That is just unimaginative, unskilled writing - trying to grab your reader's attention using cheap gimmicks like capital letters works, but it also cheapens the story.
My other peeve would be the inclusion of the Book. It was burned, wasn't it? The whole point of that sequence where Adam saw Agnes was to indicate that Anathema could finally put down her career as a professional desecendant, and live a relatively normal life. Unless you add a bit where Anathema saves the Book from the flames or something, which would defeat the whole spirit of GO.
What I truly felt was sub-par about this chapter of this story is extremely difficult to put in words. The Mary-Suishness was one part of it, as was the grammer/spelling mistakes. It just didn't settle well.
The first chapter was better. But again, with the spelling mistakes! Beta first before posting, please! And you turn green with envy, not red. Nor do you use first gear with your car when going at top speed, unless you want to spoil your car. Although, this might concievably not bother Crowley as he can easily put things back. There were other things too, that bothered me, but I believe it could have been avoided with the simple expedient of a beta.
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I meant to say that Why would the lighter being made of steel interest Crowley?
Also, I seem to have forgotten to close a tag.
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Mostly, it appears to be that what has vexed you mostly is spelling errors. Yes, I admit that those are there, and when pointed out, I do wonder how some of those could make their way in without neither Silverwolf nor I had spotted them. However, there are a few things that I noticed as well.
Firstly, what part of "strenght needed" is wrong? To me, it isn't self-explanining.
Secondly, we applied the word Power, with a capital P, to express that Crowley and Aziraphale DO have powers that allow them to change their form, the mind of others and even influence how the world works. The capital P is because it's isn't just power, but Power. Just as you don't spell god, but God.
Thirdly, we only ASSUME that the book was burned. We had nothing in Good Omens that told us it was burned, but only have Newt commenting that they ought to burn it.
Fourthly, the lighter looks like something from the 23rd century, BECAUSE it's made of steel. Also, at least where I come from, steel-lighters are quite expensive, and, as such, a symbol of high status in the society, thus enhancing Crowley's image of being a yuppie.
As for the fifth thing, where exactly is it said that Crowley drives in first gear?
And where, exactly, is there anything Mary-Sueish? That we have Anathema appearing, or that we actually let her interact with her enviroment?
Reply
Power, with a capital P it just came across as cheap. I'm sorry.
Where I come from steel-lighters are... well, I wouldn't say common, but they're popping up. And this is from someone who doesn't actively go out and ask people "what kind of lighters do you have?"
first gear That would be the first chapter. Your partner did ask me about the first chapter as well, did she not?
As I said, the overall feel is difficult to put in words, mainly because I've never been much of a methodical person. If I feel something is right, then it just *is*. That is my value system.
A Mary-Sue is not necessarily a girl, or even a guy. In this case, I suppose the Mary-Sue to me would be the Book. It was indeed almost spelt out that the second Book was burned if you'd care to read the bit where Adam saw Agnes' face in the smoke from Jasmine Cottage, so in bringing back the new Book, you'd be creating a Mary-Sue.
Reply
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