GO/M*A*S*H crossover
I cannot claim credit for this at all. I was reading one of Daegaer's fics and in the comments section someone asked, "I wonder what would happen if Death of the Endless met Hawkeye Pierce?" and the reply was, "Probably get him drunk." And I was inspired (because really, who wouldn't be inspired by that?), and so here it is. Along with a bonus fic about the 4 Horsemen and 1 Horsewoman playing poker with Hawk. Because I really couldn't resist. It's set in the first season, maybe a little earlier.
I considered the idea of Death talking in all lowercase letters when drunk. Yes? No? I can always edit this, if enough people say yes.
*
It didn't take long for Hawkeye to meet Death. Not surprisingly, it was in Post-Op, looking down at a soldier who was at least a year under the age limit. Had been. And then he looked up and saw Death. At first he looked just like a random officer or someone, but Hawkeye was good at mentally undressing people. It only sometimes meant picturing them nude.
"Oh," he said wearily. He needed a drink.
YES, Death agreed. The soldier on the bed was no more.
Hawkeye noticed that his shift was over. "Want a drink," he asked. He had been brought up to be polite to various wandering anthropomorphic personifications, after all.
ALRIGHT, Death said.
"So, what's it like, anyway?" Pierce asked. "Are you everywhere at once, or do you just show up for specific things, or what?"
Death paused. IT IS... COMPLICATED.
"Okay," Hawkeye said affably, leading the way into the swamp. Luckily, no one was there to ask inconvenient questions. "Martini?"
*
Something that was interesting, Hawkeye mused, was that the Death of the Endless really had no tolerance for alcohol.
SO THEN THE BUGGERS ALWAYS ASK, WHY? AND THEN I ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY GUNSHOT, OR HEART ATTACK, OR COCONUT...
Hawkeye snorted. "Coconut?" he asked, pouring himself another drink.
UH HUH. IT'SH AMZAING- AMANZIG- SCARY WHAT. He waved his hand ineffectually. C'N I HAVE 'NOTHER?
Hawkeye wordlessly poured him another glass. He wondered if personifications got hangovers. That's exactly what Death would have been thinking, if he had been able to focus at all.
IT'S... IT'S... He tried to remember what he had been about t o say. STUPID BUGGERS.
"Who?" asked Hawkeye.
THEM. THE- THINGIES. DEVIL AND WHATSISNAME.
"God?" Hawkeye suggested.
HIM. SMARMY 'DIOT. SCREWIM. NO ONE WANTS TO JUS' TALK TO ME, ALWAYS GOIN' "OH, YOU'RE DEAF. DEATH. YOU'RE A BASHTARD. DON' LIKE YOU." NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW MY FEELINGS.
"What are they?" Pierce asked obligingly.
If Death had been human, or anything other than a skeleton, he'd have blinked. DON'T THINK I HAVE ANY. BUT THA'S NOT THE THINGUMMY. POINT. 'TS NOT THE POINT. POINT IS, NO ONE BOTHERS T'ASK.
Pierce wasn't sure if his mostly-drunk brain could stand up to this logic. He poured both of them another drink.
AND THEN GOD'N EVERYONE DESHIDE THEY WANNA SHMITE SOMETHING AND'M TH'ONE WHO HAS T'CLEAN IT UP. DON' TALK TO ME 'BOUT FLOODS! 'ND BLOODY SODOM AND GOMORRAH.
"Mm," Hawkeye agreed.
IT'SH LATE. BETTER SOBER UP AND GET BACK TO WORK.
He pulled the alcohol out of both their bodies, making Pierce wince and hunch over like he had just gotten kicked in the ribs.
WHY DON'T YOU HATE ME?
"It's not you who kills them. You just take them away."
Death shook his head. It was beyond him to try and understand humans.
Just then, Trapper came in. "Hey Hawk," he said. He glanced at Death. "New friend?"
Pierce nodded. "You could say that."
TRY NOT TO MAKE ME HAVE TO STOP BY. PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKE MY JOB EASIER.
Trapper blinked, and Death had left. "What did he say?"
Hawkeye shrugged. "Good luck, I think."
"With the patients, or with the nurses? 'Cause Nurse Clancy keeps on saying no."
"Doesn't she know you're married?" Hawkeye asked.
"Yeah, but come on. It's Nurse Clancy."
They grinned at each other got out clean cups.
* * *
BONUS FIC
* * *
Bombs were falling, people were dying, Frank and Hotlips were making out passionately in some hidden corner, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were in the MASH 4077. Well, technically it was five, and one was a woman, but that doesn't matter.
Death led the way to the tent known as the Swamp. As they walked in they were met by the grin of one B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce.
"Finally!" he exclaimed. "Death's been talking about you. I thought I'd never get to meet you."
HAWKEYE, Death said, THIS IS FAMINE- a slender, black-bearded man shook Pierce's hand-
WAR- "Charmed," Hawkeye murmured as he kissed the lady's hand. She smiled despite herself, flattered.*
POLLUTION, AND PESTILENCE. Pierce shook the remaining two hands, and managed to control the urge to wipe his hand off on his pants afterward.
"Pollution?" he asked.
"I'm retired. Stupid penicillin," Pestilence murmured. His voice reminded one of feverish delusions and throwing up twice in a row. "I just like poker." Pollution just grinned.
Hawkeye nodded.** "Okay. As delighted as I am to have you all here, as host I'm laying down some rules. No... doing what you do. I don't want to find fights breaking out or a new epidemic being spread or anything."
War shrugged, and acquiesced. Korea was already a warzone. Holding it off this particular place for a bit wouldn't hurt. In the end, Death's glare convinced the other three.
"Anyone want gin?" Hawkeye offered. All five accepted, and soon they settled down to a game of poker.
Trapper wandered in part of the way through. To him it just looked as if Hawkeye was playing poker with five normal people, but he suddenly got the feeling that he should'nt be there. Supernatural entities are very good at making someone know when he's not wanted.
As he left the tent the vaguely heard Hawkeye saying, "You didn't need to do that," and a low voice responding. Trapper went to go find a nurse to cheat on his wife with while behind him Hawkeye charmed the Five Horsepeople of the Apocalypse out of their minds, and kicked their asses in poker.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*Every woman enjoys a little courtesy now and then. Once in a couple hundred years, even War can appreciate it.
**Anyone who has been having cocktail hours with Death on a semi-regular basis is not going to be put off by the possiblity of retired horsemen.
I considered the idea of Death talking in all lowercase letters when drunk. Yes? No? I can always edit this, if enough people say yes.
*
It didn't take long for Hawkeye to meet Death. Not surprisingly, it was in Post-Op, looking down at a soldier who was at least a year under the age limit. Had been. And then he looked up and saw Death. At first he looked just like a random officer or someone, but Hawkeye was good at mentally undressing people. It only sometimes meant picturing them nude.
"Oh," he said wearily. He needed a drink.
YES, Death agreed. The soldier on the bed was no more.
Hawkeye noticed that his shift was over. "Want a drink," he asked. He had been brought up to be polite to various wandering anthropomorphic personifications, after all.
ALRIGHT, Death said.
"So, what's it like, anyway?" Pierce asked. "Are you everywhere at once, or do you just show up for specific things, or what?"
Death paused. IT IS... COMPLICATED.
"Okay," Hawkeye said affably, leading the way into the swamp. Luckily, no one was there to ask inconvenient questions. "Martini?"
*
Something that was interesting, Hawkeye mused, was that the Death of the Endless really had no tolerance for alcohol.
SO THEN THE BUGGERS ALWAYS ASK, WHY? AND THEN I ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY GUNSHOT, OR HEART ATTACK, OR COCONUT...
Hawkeye snorted. "Coconut?" he asked, pouring himself another drink.
UH HUH. IT'SH AMZAING- AMANZIG- SCARY WHAT. He waved his hand ineffectually. C'N I HAVE 'NOTHER?
Hawkeye wordlessly poured him another glass. He wondered if personifications got hangovers. That's exactly what Death would have been thinking, if he had been able to focus at all.
IT'S... IT'S... He tried to remember what he had been about t o say. STUPID BUGGERS.
"Who?" asked Hawkeye.
THEM. THE- THINGIES. DEVIL AND WHATSISNAME.
"God?" Hawkeye suggested.
HIM. SMARMY 'DIOT. SCREWIM. NO ONE WANTS TO JUS' TALK TO ME, ALWAYS GOIN' "OH, YOU'RE DEAF. DEATH. YOU'RE A BASHTARD. DON' LIKE YOU." NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW MY FEELINGS.
"What are they?" Pierce asked obligingly.
If Death had been human, or anything other than a skeleton, he'd have blinked. DON'T THINK I HAVE ANY. BUT THA'S NOT THE THINGUMMY. POINT. 'TS NOT THE POINT. POINT IS, NO ONE BOTHERS T'ASK.
Pierce wasn't sure if his mostly-drunk brain could stand up to this logic. He poured both of them another drink.
AND THEN GOD'N EVERYONE DESHIDE THEY WANNA SHMITE SOMETHING AND'M TH'ONE WHO HAS T'CLEAN IT UP. DON' TALK TO ME 'BOUT FLOODS! 'ND BLOODY SODOM AND GOMORRAH.
"Mm," Hawkeye agreed.
IT'SH LATE. BETTER SOBER UP AND GET BACK TO WORK.
He pulled the alcohol out of both their bodies, making Pierce wince and hunch over like he had just gotten kicked in the ribs.
WHY DON'T YOU HATE ME?
"It's not you who kills them. You just take them away."
Death shook his head. It was beyond him to try and understand humans.
Just then, Trapper came in. "Hey Hawk," he said. He glanced at Death. "New friend?"
Pierce nodded. "You could say that."
TRY NOT TO MAKE ME HAVE TO STOP BY. PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKE MY JOB EASIER.
Trapper blinked, and Death had left. "What did he say?"
Hawkeye shrugged. "Good luck, I think."
"With the patients, or with the nurses? 'Cause Nurse Clancy keeps on saying no."
"Doesn't she know you're married?" Hawkeye asked.
"Yeah, but come on. It's Nurse Clancy."
They grinned at each other got out clean cups.
* * *
BONUS FIC
* * *
Bombs were falling, people were dying, Frank and Hotlips were making out passionately in some hidden corner, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were in the MASH 4077. Well, technically it was five, and one was a woman, but that doesn't matter.
Death led the way to the tent known as the Swamp. As they walked in they were met by the grin of one B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce.
"Finally!" he exclaimed. "Death's been talking about you. I thought I'd never get to meet you."
HAWKEYE, Death said, THIS IS FAMINE- a slender, black-bearded man shook Pierce's hand-
WAR- "Charmed," Hawkeye murmured as he kissed the lady's hand. She smiled despite herself, flattered.*
POLLUTION, AND PESTILENCE. Pierce shook the remaining two hands, and managed to control the urge to wipe his hand off on his pants afterward.
"Pollution?" he asked.
"I'm retired. Stupid penicillin," Pestilence murmured. His voice reminded one of feverish delusions and throwing up twice in a row. "I just like poker." Pollution just grinned.
Hawkeye nodded.** "Okay. As delighted as I am to have you all here, as host I'm laying down some rules. No... doing what you do. I don't want to find fights breaking out or a new epidemic being spread or anything."
War shrugged, and acquiesced. Korea was already a warzone. Holding it off this particular place for a bit wouldn't hurt. In the end, Death's glare convinced the other three.
"Anyone want gin?" Hawkeye offered. All five accepted, and soon they settled down to a game of poker.
Trapper wandered in part of the way through. To him it just looked as if Hawkeye was playing poker with five normal people, but he suddenly got the feeling that he should'nt be there. Supernatural entities are very good at making someone know when he's not wanted.
As he left the tent the vaguely heard Hawkeye saying, "You didn't need to do that," and a low voice responding. Trapper went to go find a nurse to cheat on his wife with while behind him Hawkeye charmed the Five Horsepeople of the Apocalypse out of their minds, and kicked their asses in poker.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*Every woman enjoys a little courtesy now and then. Once in a couple hundred years, even War can appreciate it.
**Anyone who has been having cocktail hours with Death on a semi-regular basis is not going to be put off by the possiblity of retired horsemen.