Fic: Sounds like Jack
Title: Sounds like Jack
Rating: PG for swearing and innuendo
Pairing: None (that's right, none!)
Characters: Gwen, Owen, Tosh, Ianto
Spoilers: Countrycide + net spoilers for ep 13 + speculation for post series. Notes under the cut.
Summary: Post ep 13, the team have a bit of tension-breaking fun.
Notes: this fic is based on the premise that Jack disappears at the end of ep 13, and the rest of the team are still together.
'London called again.'
'Bugger.' Ianto chewed his bottom lip, just for an instant. Tosh had been watching him closely, and signs of strain were starting to show. The four of them had agreed to give Jack a month to come back before letting Torchwood 1 know they needed a new boss. It meant they were free of the stricter rule and scrutiny a new leader would enforce, but on the down side, Jack's workload had to be covered. Naturally Ianto had taken up most of the paperwork, but they also needed him in the field. Tosh and Gwen helped with coffee and food and handling some of Jack's load, and they'd adopted a half-democratic, half-consensus decision making process that made Owen mutter about communism and Ianto make obscure references to Welsh political history. For field missions, the four of them took turns taking role of leader.
Being in charge scared everyone, and Tosh in particular hated doing it. Owen and Gwen seemed to work on instinct, Ianto and Tosh stuck to rigorous logic. They all made mistakes. They were all tired.
Gwen took over some of Ianto's more basic work as well. Tosh suspected that she didn't want to go home to an empty house. If Jack had been there, he would have been the one to comfort her. As it was, Tosh and Ianto did what they could. Owen took over the role of comic innuendo relief. Even if his style mostly resulted in things being thrown at him, it helped.
Ianto passed a hand over his eyes, visibly tired, which meant he was close to the point of exhaustion, because otherwise it would never show. He and Owen had successfully rounded up the weevil, but it wasn't even lunchtime yet.
'We'll have to come up with something. They'll get suspicious.'
'What did you have in mind?' Tosh asked, carefully.
'I didn't. But I will. Don't worry, it'll get sorted.' Ianto smiled weakly as he headed for the kitchen and the coffee machine. Tosh gave him an equally watery attempt at cheerfulness in return.
A couple of hours later, he came back down with lunch and a folder full of reports, carefully edited to read like Jack's style and with a very good simulation of his signature on the bottom. Tosh had a genuine smile for him. Owen's head poked out of the autopsy room door.
'Do I smell satay chicken?'
'You also smell genius' Tosh said chirpily.
'Don't tell me you actually managed to get that orange photosynthesis thing to work.'
'Not yet, but I will.'
'What're we celebrating, then?' Gwen asked, with a handful of forks from the kitchen.
'I think I've got a solution to the head office problem. They want to talk to Jack, so we'll give them Jack, or something that sounds a lot like him.'
'You made a Jack Harkness voice synthesizer? I've always wondered what I'd sound like as a gay American immortal time traveller' Owen said, taking a mouthful of noodles.
'Does it work in real time?' Ianto asked, obviously thinking of the telephone conversation they'd need to set up.
'Of course.' Tosh tried her hand at looking mock-offended. 'You don't think I'd give you anything less.'
'Never' Ianto replied, with a smile that looked like the old Ianto.
'Give us a go then, Tosh. C'mon.'
'I set up two modes. One, for me and Owen, takes a general middle-class English accent and converts it to Jack's. The other is calibrated for Welsh, and should work better for Gwen and Ianto.'
'It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman?' Gwen asked, wondering what she'd say if she could sound like Jack. Something dirty, probably.
'No, in theory not. I've built in pitch adjustment to Jack's levels. It might take some tweaking to get rising and falling tones down, but it should work.'
Tosh picked up a wireless microphone and tapped at her keyboard before joining the others in their meal. Hesitantly, she spoke into it.
'Owen, pass me the green mango salad.' Jack's voice rang out from her computer.
'Bloody hell. It does work. Well well well. I never cease to be amazed.'
'What do you mean? Tosh always does a fantastic job. I should give her a raise' Jack's voice said. Tosh giggled and, disturbingly, so did the Jack voice. Tosh's eyes widened and passed the microphone to Owen, who snorted, but was careful to hold the microphone well away while he did so.
He swallowed a mouthful of satay chicken and took a deep breath.
'I'm Jack Harkness. Guess which alien I screwed last night. It had six arms and seven legs and a clitoris the size and shape of Barry Island, complete with teenage boys playing football on the promenade.'
'And freshly cooked whelks for sale' Ianto added, deadpan in his normal voice.
Gwen laughed, nearly snorting apple Tango out of her nose. Tosh giggled again and covered her mouth full of noodles with her hand. Owen and Ianto exchanged a grin.
'My turn next' said Gwen, wiping her mouth. Tosh span her chair and flicked a button.
'Okay, we've got Welsh mode. Go.'
'I'm Jack Harkness. I've got a great big flappy coat. Ooooh look at that it does work' Jack's voice said. 'Toshiko, where's that report. Ianto, I want coffee. Gwen, I thought I told you to go home. Owen, you have a bony little ass. Ass! Soccer. Gas station. Garbage can. SUV. Soda. Takeout. I wear my pants on the outside.'
There was another round of general sniggering, but Tosh frowned.
'I don't think the rising tone for the questions is right. You'll have to avoid asking things when you talk to head office, Ianto.'
'And watch your British wording' Gwen added, nodding.
'It would probably help if you reigned in your Welsh side. You know, discover that the letter H can actually go on the front of words and don't address anyone as "lovely".'
'Piss off, lovely.' Ianto absently flicked Owen the finger as he took the microphone. 'Thank you, Gwen.'
'Jack being polite. Now that is new' Tosh said, and picked up another mouthful of salad.
'Hey, you know you fall for my charm every time' Ianto said in Jack's voice, and groaned. 'Oh, that was dreadful. Please kill me now.'
After the remains of the meal had been cleared away- the daily game of rubbish-bin basketball had been played- Tosh set up the phone connection in Jack's office. Ianto dragged sat in his chair looking grim, like a man waiting to see the dentist. Owen and Gwen discretely floated in to watch the show, half nervous, half wanting to be entertained.
'Okay, testing. Ring me on my mobile. You'll have to use speakerphone.' Tosh said, backing out the door. Ianto gritted his teeth and dialled.
'Hi Tosh, it's Jack.'
'Sounds like you.'
Tosh gave them a thumbs-up from the doorway and came back in, settling against a wall. Ianto took a deep breath and punched in another number.
'Torchwood. How may I help you?'
'This is Captain Jack Harkness.' Ianto gave a long string of letters and numbers as a security clearance, and as one mind Tosh, Gwen and Owen wondered how the hell he'd gotten it. 'I'm returning a call. Can you put me through to the top brass?'
Ianto bit off a 'please' that threatened to escape. He took another deep breath as he was connected.
'Archer speaking. Finally decided to pick a up phone, eh Harkness?' a clipped upper-class British accent said through the speaker.
'Been busy' there was a tiny, fraught pause before Ianto added 'Pal.'
'Yes. Well. We're busy here but we seem to find the time. Have you found time in your feverish schedule to give thought to the proposals we discussed last month?'
Owen mouthed 'arsehole'. Gwen kicked him on the ankle. Ianto tried not to look.
'You'll have to remind me which proposals you're talking about. I get a lot of proposals' he said, as Jack, trying to sound happy and dirty.
Owen pretended to cheer ecstatically, and gave him two thumbs up. Both Gwen and Tosh punched him in the arm, but Tosh was biting her lip and Gwen was grinning. Ianto turned the chair so they were out of sight.
'Do you need another member of staff or not?' the voice on the other end of the line said, with poor humour.
'Ah, not right now. I think we're fine, and I'd have to find the extra space. Maybe in a month or two. I can get Ianto to clear out a store-room or something. Or I'll get Harper to do it. He could use the practice cleaning up.'
'Righto, very well. You've had Miss Cooper on staff for a year now. Your preliminary performance report tells me that she has, and let me assure you I'm quoting here, "an ass that just won't quit". Your style is nothing if not consistent, Captain Harkness, but perhaps you'd care to add some additional comments?'
In the reflection on the window, Ianto saw Gwen make a shocked face and both Tosh and Owen shake with silent laughter.
'Sure. Gwen's doing fine. She fits in well here. So does her ass.' He shot Gwen a deeply apologetic look. Owen bit his fist to keep from laughing out loud.
'Incident reports indicate she was shot by cannibals, is that right?'
'She was shot by a young man who thought she was a cannibal. The wound was minor and has healed fully.' Ianto was aware he sounded too serious, and added 'Dr Harper gave it a full inspection.' No, still too subtle, Ianto thought, and mentally begged forgiveness from Gwen for what he was about to say next. 'And a very thorough fitness test. Several times.'
Ianto covered his face with both hands, horrified at his own words, while Owen did a silent victory dance. Gwen punched him in the stomach, hard this time.
'Drs Harper and Sato? Your comments on the first are essentially unprintable, or so I thought until seeing them printed, except for the word 'competent'. Quite an eye-opener in many ways, that report. I wasn't aware that 'littleratbastard' was one word.'
'He hasn't grown, so that still stands' Ianto said in Jack's voice. Actually, he's not so much standing as doubled over gasping, he thought. 'And Toshiko is a genius. We're lucky to have her.'
In the mirrored glass, Tosh smiled her thanks, and Owen stuck out his tongue. Ianto jabbed him the finger again. There was a sound of shuffling papers from the speaker.
'So I see. We're still waiting on your comments regarding the depth and severity of Mr Jones' post traumatic stress disorder.'
Ianto froze.
'Captain Harkness? I say, are you still there?'
'Of course. Jones and his PTSD. I was just distracted. The pterodactyl is acting weird. Jones- he's... coping.' Tosh laid a hand on Ianto's shoulder, and Gwen and Owen stopped fighting. 'He'll be fine.'
'The symptoms have eased, then? Reports from service to Torchwood 1 indicate Jones may be almost supernaturally competent, but that doesn't rule out the possibility of long-term mental illness.'
'What symptoms? I mean, which symptoms are you referring to? Talking about?' Ianto corrected himself quickly, trying to keep his focus where it needed to be.
'Tendency towards compulsive over-work, inability to release tension, probable difficulty sleeping. Do try and read your own reports, Harkness.'
'Yeah, he's a lot more relaxed these days. And I think he's been working out, 'cause his ass is even better than Gwen's.' The team let out a collective breath.
'Thank you for that delightful insight, Captain Harkness. Now if you'd care to make a comment on the overall team dynamic, we can finish this delightful conversation and go back to our respectively busy lives.'
Ianto shook his head, trying to clear it.
'Sure, sure. Team dynamic's fine. Brilliant.'
'Brilliant? You aren't going native after all this time, are you?' the voice on the phone joked, poorly. Owen rolled his eyes and mouthed the word 'git'.
'It's those beautiful Welsh vowels, they get me every time. But seriously, the team's working well together. Better than before.'
'Yes, your comments regarding Jones' accent are also on record. And coming from you, a team working well together probably means group sex on the conference table.'
'Hey, you're the boss. If you say so, I'm more than happy to consider that a direct order.'
'Oh, for chrissakes Harkness. I'll speak to you next time you neglect to report on time. Goodbye.'
Imitating Jack's phone style, Ianto hung up without giving any farewell.
'Bloody hell' said Jack's voice, before Ianto's took over. 'I'm glad that's over' he said, more naturally. Tosh slipped her arms around his shoulders and gave him a quick hug.
'You did really well.'
'You're fooling yourself if you think your arse is better than Gwen's though.' Owen reached for Gwen and was slapped sharply on the hand.
Rating: PG for swearing and innuendo
Pairing: None (that's right, none!)
Characters: Gwen, Owen, Tosh, Ianto
Spoilers: Countrycide + net spoilers for ep 13 + speculation for post series. Notes under the cut.
Summary: Post ep 13, the team have a bit of tension-breaking fun.
Notes: this fic is based on the premise that Jack disappears at the end of ep 13, and the rest of the team are still together.
'London called again.'
'Bugger.' Ianto chewed his bottom lip, just for an instant. Tosh had been watching him closely, and signs of strain were starting to show. The four of them had agreed to give Jack a month to come back before letting Torchwood 1 know they needed a new boss. It meant they were free of the stricter rule and scrutiny a new leader would enforce, but on the down side, Jack's workload had to be covered. Naturally Ianto had taken up most of the paperwork, but they also needed him in the field. Tosh and Gwen helped with coffee and food and handling some of Jack's load, and they'd adopted a half-democratic, half-consensus decision making process that made Owen mutter about communism and Ianto make obscure references to Welsh political history. For field missions, the four of them took turns taking role of leader.
Being in charge scared everyone, and Tosh in particular hated doing it. Owen and Gwen seemed to work on instinct, Ianto and Tosh stuck to rigorous logic. They all made mistakes. They were all tired.
Gwen took over some of Ianto's more basic work as well. Tosh suspected that she didn't want to go home to an empty house. If Jack had been there, he would have been the one to comfort her. As it was, Tosh and Ianto did what they could. Owen took over the role of comic innuendo relief. Even if his style mostly resulted in things being thrown at him, it helped.
Ianto passed a hand over his eyes, visibly tired, which meant he was close to the point of exhaustion, because otherwise it would never show. He and Owen had successfully rounded up the weevil, but it wasn't even lunchtime yet.
'We'll have to come up with something. They'll get suspicious.'
'What did you have in mind?' Tosh asked, carefully.
'I didn't. But I will. Don't worry, it'll get sorted.' Ianto smiled weakly as he headed for the kitchen and the coffee machine. Tosh gave him an equally watery attempt at cheerfulness in return.
A couple of hours later, he came back down with lunch and a folder full of reports, carefully edited to read like Jack's style and with a very good simulation of his signature on the bottom. Tosh had a genuine smile for him. Owen's head poked out of the autopsy room door.
'Do I smell satay chicken?'
'You also smell genius' Tosh said chirpily.
'Don't tell me you actually managed to get that orange photosynthesis thing to work.'
'Not yet, but I will.'
'What're we celebrating, then?' Gwen asked, with a handful of forks from the kitchen.
'I think I've got a solution to the head office problem. They want to talk to Jack, so we'll give them Jack, or something that sounds a lot like him.'
'You made a Jack Harkness voice synthesizer? I've always wondered what I'd sound like as a gay American immortal time traveller' Owen said, taking a mouthful of noodles.
'Does it work in real time?' Ianto asked, obviously thinking of the telephone conversation they'd need to set up.
'Of course.' Tosh tried her hand at looking mock-offended. 'You don't think I'd give you anything less.'
'Never' Ianto replied, with a smile that looked like the old Ianto.
'Give us a go then, Tosh. C'mon.'
'I set up two modes. One, for me and Owen, takes a general middle-class English accent and converts it to Jack's. The other is calibrated for Welsh, and should work better for Gwen and Ianto.'
'It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman?' Gwen asked, wondering what she'd say if she could sound like Jack. Something dirty, probably.
'No, in theory not. I've built in pitch adjustment to Jack's levels. It might take some tweaking to get rising and falling tones down, but it should work.'
Tosh picked up a wireless microphone and tapped at her keyboard before joining the others in their meal. Hesitantly, she spoke into it.
'Owen, pass me the green mango salad.' Jack's voice rang out from her computer.
'Bloody hell. It does work. Well well well. I never cease to be amazed.'
'What do you mean? Tosh always does a fantastic job. I should give her a raise' Jack's voice said. Tosh giggled and, disturbingly, so did the Jack voice. Tosh's eyes widened and passed the microphone to Owen, who snorted, but was careful to hold the microphone well away while he did so.
He swallowed a mouthful of satay chicken and took a deep breath.
'I'm Jack Harkness. Guess which alien I screwed last night. It had six arms and seven legs and a clitoris the size and shape of Barry Island, complete with teenage boys playing football on the promenade.'
'And freshly cooked whelks for sale' Ianto added, deadpan in his normal voice.
Gwen laughed, nearly snorting apple Tango out of her nose. Tosh giggled again and covered her mouth full of noodles with her hand. Owen and Ianto exchanged a grin.
'My turn next' said Gwen, wiping her mouth. Tosh span her chair and flicked a button.
'Okay, we've got Welsh mode. Go.'
'I'm Jack Harkness. I've got a great big flappy coat. Ooooh look at that it does work' Jack's voice said. 'Toshiko, where's that report. Ianto, I want coffee. Gwen, I thought I told you to go home. Owen, you have a bony little ass. Ass! Soccer. Gas station. Garbage can. SUV. Soda. Takeout. I wear my pants on the outside.'
There was another round of general sniggering, but Tosh frowned.
'I don't think the rising tone for the questions is right. You'll have to avoid asking things when you talk to head office, Ianto.'
'And watch your British wording' Gwen added, nodding.
'It would probably help if you reigned in your Welsh side. You know, discover that the letter H can actually go on the front of words and don't address anyone as "lovely".'
'Piss off, lovely.' Ianto absently flicked Owen the finger as he took the microphone. 'Thank you, Gwen.'
'Jack being polite. Now that is new' Tosh said, and picked up another mouthful of salad.
'Hey, you know you fall for my charm every time' Ianto said in Jack's voice, and groaned. 'Oh, that was dreadful. Please kill me now.'
After the remains of the meal had been cleared away- the daily game of rubbish-bin basketball had been played- Tosh set up the phone connection in Jack's office. Ianto dragged sat in his chair looking grim, like a man waiting to see the dentist. Owen and Gwen discretely floated in to watch the show, half nervous, half wanting to be entertained.
'Okay, testing. Ring me on my mobile. You'll have to use speakerphone.' Tosh said, backing out the door. Ianto gritted his teeth and dialled.
'Hi Tosh, it's Jack.'
'Sounds like you.'
Tosh gave them a thumbs-up from the doorway and came back in, settling against a wall. Ianto took a deep breath and punched in another number.
'Torchwood. How may I help you?'
'This is Captain Jack Harkness.' Ianto gave a long string of letters and numbers as a security clearance, and as one mind Tosh, Gwen and Owen wondered how the hell he'd gotten it. 'I'm returning a call. Can you put me through to the top brass?'
Ianto bit off a 'please' that threatened to escape. He took another deep breath as he was connected.
'Archer speaking. Finally decided to pick a up phone, eh Harkness?' a clipped upper-class British accent said through the speaker.
'Been busy' there was a tiny, fraught pause before Ianto added 'Pal.'
'Yes. Well. We're busy here but we seem to find the time. Have you found time in your feverish schedule to give thought to the proposals we discussed last month?'
Owen mouthed 'arsehole'. Gwen kicked him on the ankle. Ianto tried not to look.
'You'll have to remind me which proposals you're talking about. I get a lot of proposals' he said, as Jack, trying to sound happy and dirty.
Owen pretended to cheer ecstatically, and gave him two thumbs up. Both Gwen and Tosh punched him in the arm, but Tosh was biting her lip and Gwen was grinning. Ianto turned the chair so they were out of sight.
'Do you need another member of staff or not?' the voice on the other end of the line said, with poor humour.
'Ah, not right now. I think we're fine, and I'd have to find the extra space. Maybe in a month or two. I can get Ianto to clear out a store-room or something. Or I'll get Harper to do it. He could use the practice cleaning up.'
'Righto, very well. You've had Miss Cooper on staff for a year now. Your preliminary performance report tells me that she has, and let me assure you I'm quoting here, "an ass that just won't quit". Your style is nothing if not consistent, Captain Harkness, but perhaps you'd care to add some additional comments?'
In the reflection on the window, Ianto saw Gwen make a shocked face and both Tosh and Owen shake with silent laughter.
'Sure. Gwen's doing fine. She fits in well here. So does her ass.' He shot Gwen a deeply apologetic look. Owen bit his fist to keep from laughing out loud.
'Incident reports indicate she was shot by cannibals, is that right?'
'She was shot by a young man who thought she was a cannibal. The wound was minor and has healed fully.' Ianto was aware he sounded too serious, and added 'Dr Harper gave it a full inspection.' No, still too subtle, Ianto thought, and mentally begged forgiveness from Gwen for what he was about to say next. 'And a very thorough fitness test. Several times.'
Ianto covered his face with both hands, horrified at his own words, while Owen did a silent victory dance. Gwen punched him in the stomach, hard this time.
'Drs Harper and Sato? Your comments on the first are essentially unprintable, or so I thought until seeing them printed, except for the word 'competent'. Quite an eye-opener in many ways, that report. I wasn't aware that 'littleratbastard' was one word.'
'He hasn't grown, so that still stands' Ianto said in Jack's voice. Actually, he's not so much standing as doubled over gasping, he thought. 'And Toshiko is a genius. We're lucky to have her.'
In the mirrored glass, Tosh smiled her thanks, and Owen stuck out his tongue. Ianto jabbed him the finger again. There was a sound of shuffling papers from the speaker.
'So I see. We're still waiting on your comments regarding the depth and severity of Mr Jones' post traumatic stress disorder.'
Ianto froze.
'Captain Harkness? I say, are you still there?'
'Of course. Jones and his PTSD. I was just distracted. The pterodactyl is acting weird. Jones- he's... coping.' Tosh laid a hand on Ianto's shoulder, and Gwen and Owen stopped fighting. 'He'll be fine.'
'The symptoms have eased, then? Reports from service to Torchwood 1 indicate Jones may be almost supernaturally competent, but that doesn't rule out the possibility of long-term mental illness.'
'What symptoms? I mean, which symptoms are you referring to? Talking about?' Ianto corrected himself quickly, trying to keep his focus where it needed to be.
'Tendency towards compulsive over-work, inability to release tension, probable difficulty sleeping. Do try and read your own reports, Harkness.'
'Yeah, he's a lot more relaxed these days. And I think he's been working out, 'cause his ass is even better than Gwen's.' The team let out a collective breath.
'Thank you for that delightful insight, Captain Harkness. Now if you'd care to make a comment on the overall team dynamic, we can finish this delightful conversation and go back to our respectively busy lives.'
Ianto shook his head, trying to clear it.
'Sure, sure. Team dynamic's fine. Brilliant.'
'Brilliant? You aren't going native after all this time, are you?' the voice on the phone joked, poorly. Owen rolled his eyes and mouthed the word 'git'.
'It's those beautiful Welsh vowels, they get me every time. But seriously, the team's working well together. Better than before.'
'Yes, your comments regarding Jones' accent are also on record. And coming from you, a team working well together probably means group sex on the conference table.'
'Hey, you're the boss. If you say so, I'm more than happy to consider that a direct order.'
'Oh, for chrissakes Harkness. I'll speak to you next time you neglect to report on time. Goodbye.'
Imitating Jack's phone style, Ianto hung up without giving any farewell.
'Bloody hell' said Jack's voice, before Ianto's took over. 'I'm glad that's over' he said, more naturally. Tosh slipped her arms around his shoulders and gave him a quick hug.
'You did really well.'
'You're fooling yourself if you think your arse is better than Gwen's though.' Owen reached for Gwen and was slapped sharply on the hand.