(no subject)
Right, so it's Dani's first day back in the States. What does she do? Go to the mall (of course). Lmao. And while touring my holy land, I discerned that Pirates of the Caribbean 2 had just opened. And so starts the main point of this entry.
Though unfortunately seated behind Booby McChesty and her openly appreciative lap dog, I'm actually really excited to be there. I mean, I'm no mega-fan like Alex (Johnny Depp...DOESN'T LOVE ME!! *slit*), but I liked the first movie and Johnny Depp generally just makes every movie he's in great (like Jack Black or Will Ferrell, who's new movie looks FUN-FUCKING-TASTIC). So I park my ass dead center and prepare to get my $6.50's worth (matinee shows at ghetto movie theatres? KA-CHING).
The previews start rolling. Funny movie, summer movie, teen movie, blah blah blah. Average shit you'd expect to find playing before a Disney movie. No one's really paying attention. And then...
(ba-bum) Last year... (ba-bum) the United States government sent a robot to Mars... (ba-bum) It was said to have crashed... (ba-bump) But all of the records concerning its landing were deemed classified... (ba-bum) THAT WAS THE ONLY WARNING WE GOT. *cue shitting of pants*
Theatre goes black and everyone's staring straight forward like Samuel L. Jackson, the bad-ass muthafucka himself, is gonna jump on screen and starting kicking some alien ass. Right after he gets through with those muthafuckin snakes on the muthafuckin plane. Pussies got wet, man. Babies shut the fuck up. Grandma Hunchback in the third row CAME BACK TO LIFE.
TRANSFORMERS
For a second, no one really believed it. We moved the word around in our heads, trying to fit it into a more coherent setting. For three whole seconds, every person in that theatre waited for the "WILL HAVE NO PART IN SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S ASS-KICKING" and then the Optimus Prime symbol came on screen and we all realized "Yes, yes they are referring to that crappy Saturday morning cartoon of my youth" and the theatre exploded. EXPLODED. Guy next to me busted a nut laughing and his buddy next to him was crying. We wagged our inner-conscience fingers at the screen. Ooh, you dirty Disney bastards. You got us. You got us good. But we're still not paying to watch THAT fucken movie.
That was pretty much it for highlights of the whole experience. Sorry Pirate fans, but the movie wasn't that good. Not that bad, but not that good either. Maybe because instead of creating new, fresh jokes for the sequel, they decided to drag out every once-funny joke from the original and beat the audience with it. Sadly, not even Mr. Depp could keep the movie afloat (pun NOT intended) with that spectacularly crappy script. The movie only made me really dislike Elizabeth's character a lot. Seriously, all she does is stand there like a fucking supermodel and pretend that she looks like a passible boy/young man (then again, with those mosquito-bite boobs, she might've made it) and fuck with everything. Seriously. GO AWAY. Even Will's cooler than you, and he's played by Orlando Bloom for christssake. I felt really fucken bad for Will by the end of the movie. Dirty skank ran off with his best mate and said best mate trades his soul to an undead asswipe with emotional issues and a freaking octopus for a face, yet he STILL wants to save everybody. Poor little fucktard's a sucknut for tragedy. Eh, whatever. Keep fighting the good fight, I guess, kid.
Right, so, it's 1:30 and I start work tomorrow morning. So excited, I could shit puppies and rainbows. *sigh* Goodnight, everyone. <3
Though unfortunately seated behind Booby McChesty and her openly appreciative lap dog, I'm actually really excited to be there. I mean, I'm no mega-fan like Alex (Johnny Depp...DOESN'T LOVE ME!! *slit*), but I liked the first movie and Johnny Depp generally just makes every movie he's in great (like Jack Black or Will Ferrell, who's new movie looks FUN-FUCKING-TASTIC). So I park my ass dead center and prepare to get my $6.50's worth (matinee shows at ghetto movie theatres? KA-CHING).
The previews start rolling. Funny movie, summer movie, teen movie, blah blah blah. Average shit you'd expect to find playing before a Disney movie. No one's really paying attention. And then...
(ba-bum) Last year... (ba-bum) the United States government sent a robot to Mars... (ba-bum) It was said to have crashed... (ba-bump) But all of the records concerning its landing were deemed classified... (ba-bum) THAT WAS THE ONLY WARNING WE GOT. *cue shitting of pants*
Theatre goes black and everyone's staring straight forward like Samuel L. Jackson, the bad-ass muthafucka himself, is gonna jump on screen and starting kicking some alien ass. Right after he gets through with those muthafuckin snakes on the muthafuckin plane. Pussies got wet, man. Babies shut the fuck up. Grandma Hunchback in the third row CAME BACK TO LIFE.
TRANSFORMERS
For a second, no one really believed it. We moved the word around in our heads, trying to fit it into a more coherent setting. For three whole seconds, every person in that theatre waited for the "WILL HAVE NO PART IN SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S ASS-KICKING" and then the Optimus Prime symbol came on screen and we all realized "Yes, yes they are referring to that crappy Saturday morning cartoon of my youth" and the theatre exploded. EXPLODED. Guy next to me busted a nut laughing and his buddy next to him was crying. We wagged our inner-conscience fingers at the screen. Ooh, you dirty Disney bastards. You got us. You got us good. But we're still not paying to watch THAT fucken movie.
That was pretty much it for highlights of the whole experience. Sorry Pirate fans, but the movie wasn't that good. Not that bad, but not that good either. Maybe because instead of creating new, fresh jokes for the sequel, they decided to drag out every once-funny joke from the original and beat the audience with it. Sadly, not even Mr. Depp could keep the movie afloat (pun NOT intended) with that spectacularly crappy script. The movie only made me really dislike Elizabeth's character a lot. Seriously, all she does is stand there like a fucking supermodel and pretend that she looks like a passible boy/young man (then again, with those mosquito-bite boobs, she might've made it) and fuck with everything. Seriously. GO AWAY. Even Will's cooler than you, and he's played by Orlando Bloom for christssake. I felt really fucken bad for Will by the end of the movie. Dirty skank ran off with his best mate and said best mate trades his soul to an undead asswipe with emotional issues and a freaking octopus for a face, yet he STILL wants to save everybody. Poor little fucktard's a sucknut for tragedy. Eh, whatever. Keep fighting the good fight, I guess, kid.
Right, so, it's 1:30 and I start work tomorrow morning. So excited, I could shit puppies and rainbows. *sigh* Goodnight, everyone. <3