(no subject)
Right now I just feel so broken. I never want another relationship again because nothing, and I mean nothing, is worth this. Do I somehow deserve to be treated the way every guy treats me? Do I not deserve the courtesy of the truth? I discovered my biggest failing as a human being: no matter what I only see the good in people, which means that I have been duped and lied to so many times in these last five months (akin to The Last Five Years). If any of you remember me junior year...this is about infinity times worse than that, so just TRY and imagine. There was an episode today of me curled up on the floor in the music building, crying hysterically on Greg. No trash can kicking, but still pretty awful, and then I just looked like walking death afterwards to the point that my professor asked if I was okay. Who wants my life because I sure as hell don't. One thing to be thankful for: that I have so many amazing friends who genuinely care about me, but still tell it like it is. And have put up with my utter stupidity for so long. Even if sometimes I don't act like it, I really appreciate you guys. Right now though, I just can't wait to be home. I want my RAD Triad boys, ice cream with Kristen and LT, listening to the loverfaces threats and how he's not worth it, late nighters with Shannon and Erin...the list goes on. I want to be back in high school, away from ever knowing about this. Where people (okay one person) don't mock me for being who I am, a goodie two-shoes, straight edged, never would do anything illegal or fun, etc. Excuse me if I don't feel the need to get fucked up and fuck up my life as a result, it's already bad enough as it is. Don't mind me ranting, it's just better that I rant here than rant in public. I don't want to cause a scene cause it doesn't matter cause I don't matter...to the person who meant the world to me. Where does the idea that he will never be good enough for me come from? When have I ever shown anything but love? Whatever. I'm just going to immerse myself in work and maybe this too shall pass...maybe not.