Shattering down all around
So, I just talked to Lane and I understand finally. He gave me a straight answer when I asked if he was really ready to move on or if he still loved me. he said this..
WithLifeLikeThis (11:40:17 PM): so, which is it, lane?
WithLifeLikeThis (11:40:43 PM): are you just "moving on" because you think you have to? or are you ready?
Strongdude1212 (11:40:44 PM): i told you...things had been changing while you were becomming a different person than the person i fell in love with
WithLifeLikeThis (11:41:17 PM): so you were ready?
WithLifeLikeThis (11:41:45 PM): you fell out of love with me by that time and you were ready to move on?
WithLifeLikeThis (11:42:31 PM): lane, please just answer this question and ill leave you alone. this is all i need to know. i need to be sure.
Strongdude1212 (11:42:21 PM): i dont want you to leave me alone
Strongdude1212 (11:42:28 PM): i still want to hear from you
WithLifeLikeThis (11:42:55 PM): i need you to answer the question, lane
Strongdude1212 (11:43:27 PM): yes, by that time, my love for you had shifted from romantic...to more of an appreciative love, for everything you had done to defire me currently as a person, for helping me mature.
So, that's that. He really doesn't love me romantically anymore. And I guess he hasn't for a while. So, I've just been kidding myself. Well, I found out what I needed to know and jesus fucking christ does it hurt. I can't cry. I can't get up from this chair right now cause it feels like there's a huge ass boulder weighing me down.
I was actually having a good day. to think all of it could be ruined with one sentence from one guy that i shouldn't even be feeling this way about according to everyone else in the world.
It seems bittersweet now, but my amazing day was as follows.
Mark came to the city today to visit me. I love that boy. We had so much fun. It was really nice to be with a good friend all day. I miss good friends. He watched my final scene today for acting II which was great. It made me so nervous though. We went out to cheesecake factory for dinner! Delicious AND unnafordable. lol. oh, well. money is manmade. the only thing that matters is that i got a good time out of it. That can't be manufactured. So, thank you mark for spending the day with me. it was delightful.
Then...We were at the apple store and i was online on my myspace and i got a new message. it was from non other but the incredible diann squiers who i haven't talked to in over 5 years. her and her sister dori taught me dance since i was three years old and after i moved and lost touch i was starting to think that i would never hear from them again so recieving that message today was absolutely incredible. im so glad that they will both be in my life again. Dori is married now. she has a three year old son with her husband. and ari, dori's daughter, who i knew before she could walk is now 10 which is unbelievable. Hearing from them today made me happier than i can say i've felt in way too long a time. If any of you knew just how much these people meant to me, you'd be crying to. I swear it's like a miracle or something. All i ever wanted was to find them again. See how they're doing and see if they still believe in me the way they did when i was 12. i love them so much. it's like finding a long lost sister. no joke. its incredible.
so, basa basa went well i guess. im just glad it's over for now.
my week...
voice final tomorrow 10:30 to 12:30 (haven't prepared a damn thing to perform)
Wednesday: Audition
Thursday: Work
Friday: Jazz Final and work
Saturday: Audition. (I've got to find a way to get out of work)
In the midst of that crap, i gotta pack up my room before friday. there's a month long project all in itself. this place is a mess.
i need to go get work done for tomorrow
peace and cheesecake
Love,
Cathy
I won't mistake you for problems with me
I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see
I won't take everything good and move it away
I won't be left dancing along to songs from the past
Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me
Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me
I know you're sad even though you say that you're not
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not
I won't get mad when you say things are getting too hard
I won't make all of your love so scared to come through our yard
I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me
I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past
WithLifeLikeThis (11:40:17 PM): so, which is it, lane?
WithLifeLikeThis (11:40:43 PM): are you just "moving on" because you think you have to? or are you ready?
Strongdude1212 (11:40:44 PM): i told you...things had been changing while you were becomming a different person than the person i fell in love with
WithLifeLikeThis (11:41:17 PM): so you were ready?
WithLifeLikeThis (11:41:45 PM): you fell out of love with me by that time and you were ready to move on?
WithLifeLikeThis (11:42:31 PM): lane, please just answer this question and ill leave you alone. this is all i need to know. i need to be sure.
Strongdude1212 (11:42:21 PM): i dont want you to leave me alone
Strongdude1212 (11:42:28 PM): i still want to hear from you
WithLifeLikeThis (11:42:55 PM): i need you to answer the question, lane
Strongdude1212 (11:43:27 PM): yes, by that time, my love for you had shifted from romantic...to more of an appreciative love, for everything you had done to defire me currently as a person, for helping me mature.
So, that's that. He really doesn't love me romantically anymore. And I guess he hasn't for a while. So, I've just been kidding myself. Well, I found out what I needed to know and jesus fucking christ does it hurt. I can't cry. I can't get up from this chair right now cause it feels like there's a huge ass boulder weighing me down.
I was actually having a good day. to think all of it could be ruined with one sentence from one guy that i shouldn't even be feeling this way about according to everyone else in the world.
It seems bittersweet now, but my amazing day was as follows.
Mark came to the city today to visit me. I love that boy. We had so much fun. It was really nice to be with a good friend all day. I miss good friends. He watched my final scene today for acting II which was great. It made me so nervous though. We went out to cheesecake factory for dinner! Delicious AND unnafordable. lol. oh, well. money is manmade. the only thing that matters is that i got a good time out of it. That can't be manufactured. So, thank you mark for spending the day with me. it was delightful.
Then...We were at the apple store and i was online on my myspace and i got a new message. it was from non other but the incredible diann squiers who i haven't talked to in over 5 years. her and her sister dori taught me dance since i was three years old and after i moved and lost touch i was starting to think that i would never hear from them again so recieving that message today was absolutely incredible. im so glad that they will both be in my life again. Dori is married now. she has a three year old son with her husband. and ari, dori's daughter, who i knew before she could walk is now 10 which is unbelievable. Hearing from them today made me happier than i can say i've felt in way too long a time. If any of you knew just how much these people meant to me, you'd be crying to. I swear it's like a miracle or something. All i ever wanted was to find them again. See how they're doing and see if they still believe in me the way they did when i was 12. i love them so much. it's like finding a long lost sister. no joke. its incredible.
so, basa basa went well i guess. im just glad it's over for now.
my week...
voice final tomorrow 10:30 to 12:30 (haven't prepared a damn thing to perform)
Wednesday: Audition
Thursday: Work
Friday: Jazz Final and work
Saturday: Audition. (I've got to find a way to get out of work)
In the midst of that crap, i gotta pack up my room before friday. there's a month long project all in itself. this place is a mess.
i need to go get work done for tomorrow
peace and cheesecake
Love,
Cathy
I won't mistake you for problems with me
I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see
I won't take everything good and move it away
I won't be left dancing along to songs from the past
Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me
Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me
I know you're sad even though you say that you're not
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not
I won't get mad when you say things are getting too hard
I won't make all of your love so scared to come through our yard
I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me
I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past