cheer up sleepy z.....
It's probably been way too long since I wrote anything down. I know back in 06 (fuck it has been that long?) getting things out, talking to people, even writing things here was probably what kept me sane during that time.
I don't know what has made me not quite sane this time but anyhoo.
I guess I feel kinda crummy. Thoughts swim around and around in my head, mostly they are negative to differing degrees. I don't feel awful bad. I feel a tad uncomfortable, and worried about myself a fair bit of the time. How did I let it go last time?
All of my friends feel somewhat distant and non existant. Rosetta is pretty much gone which sucks I guess, she was the only friend I really confided in about how I have been feeling. Alana is busy with her boyfriend and her house and stuff and I don't think she would really get it anyway, Renee is busy with her busy busy life, Amanda has the baby now, Jason is busy with boys and drugs. I don't know who else there is or was. I feel detached from everybody. I guess over time things have just changed for alot of people. I guess I havent moved very far and things (except me) havent really changed. I don;t envy them or what they have, but I envy their simplistic happiness. To not know depression or anxiety. What a blessing. I feel robbed of my life.
Its not that bad really. I get really nervous about doing stuff, whether its knowing I have 4 hours of training or something to sit through at work that I cant leave, christmas with the in laws was scary. I was very nervous. NYE I felt ok but I had been stressing about the cat and had a bit to drink so pretty much 20 minutes into 2008 I was feeling sick as a dog. I worry if I dont get enough sleep I'll feel shitty, if I dont eat properly I'll feel yuck. When I get that light headedness hungry it triggers a little something, just because I am light headed. It doesnt make me feel good at all.
I would love (I think) to be able to go on Holiday. I think it would be too stressfull though, so far away from home, with the in laws (quite sure Emmanuels dad hates me) out in the boat all the time, sleeping in the tent, worrying about eating and sleeping right, worry about having anxiety attach things. Whatever it is that happens. Momentary lapses of panic and feeling terribly sick. Work doesnt want me to have the leave, its a bit of a weight off my shoulders. I will miss him like crazy though.
I am worried I cant be who I was, who he wants me to be. I want to get in a time machine and go back to say April 2007. Things were beautiful, I was so so happy. Happiness that I didnt even know existed.
I havent been feeling very depressed since I stopped the pill. I still get nervous though. This weeks pms has been pretty bad. I felt really furious angry last week, sad and emotional. Like I have wanted to cry on and off. Today I wanted to cry, someone at work was being a cunt to me and I just couldnt hack it. Whats wrong with my brain? Thats what I would like to know. I wish I could just look at it like a headache. YOu have a headache you take a panadol. You feel the way I do, I'm sure the doctor could prescribe something to make it all better but I dont think I have the guts to do it.
I want my life back. I want my heart back. I just want to be free.
I don't know what has made me not quite sane this time but anyhoo.
I guess I feel kinda crummy. Thoughts swim around and around in my head, mostly they are negative to differing degrees. I don't feel awful bad. I feel a tad uncomfortable, and worried about myself a fair bit of the time. How did I let it go last time?
All of my friends feel somewhat distant and non existant. Rosetta is pretty much gone which sucks I guess, she was the only friend I really confided in about how I have been feeling. Alana is busy with her boyfriend and her house and stuff and I don't think she would really get it anyway, Renee is busy with her busy busy life, Amanda has the baby now, Jason is busy with boys and drugs. I don't know who else there is or was. I feel detached from everybody. I guess over time things have just changed for alot of people. I guess I havent moved very far and things (except me) havent really changed. I don;t envy them or what they have, but I envy their simplistic happiness. To not know depression or anxiety. What a blessing. I feel robbed of my life.
Its not that bad really. I get really nervous about doing stuff, whether its knowing I have 4 hours of training or something to sit through at work that I cant leave, christmas with the in laws was scary. I was very nervous. NYE I felt ok but I had been stressing about the cat and had a bit to drink so pretty much 20 minutes into 2008 I was feeling sick as a dog. I worry if I dont get enough sleep I'll feel shitty, if I dont eat properly I'll feel yuck. When I get that light headedness hungry it triggers a little something, just because I am light headed. It doesnt make me feel good at all.
I would love (I think) to be able to go on Holiday. I think it would be too stressfull though, so far away from home, with the in laws (quite sure Emmanuels dad hates me) out in the boat all the time, sleeping in the tent, worrying about eating and sleeping right, worry about having anxiety attach things. Whatever it is that happens. Momentary lapses of panic and feeling terribly sick. Work doesnt want me to have the leave, its a bit of a weight off my shoulders. I will miss him like crazy though.
I am worried I cant be who I was, who he wants me to be. I want to get in a time machine and go back to say April 2007. Things were beautiful, I was so so happy. Happiness that I didnt even know existed.
I havent been feeling very depressed since I stopped the pill. I still get nervous though. This weeks pms has been pretty bad. I felt really furious angry last week, sad and emotional. Like I have wanted to cry on and off. Today I wanted to cry, someone at work was being a cunt to me and I just couldnt hack it. Whats wrong with my brain? Thats what I would like to know. I wish I could just look at it like a headache. YOu have a headache you take a panadol. You feel the way I do, I'm sure the doctor could prescribe something to make it all better but I dont think I have the guts to do it.
I want my life back. I want my heart back. I just want to be free.