I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
A year ago today...
A year ago today my life began. I'll never forget it though. I have moved on but I will never forget the biggest lesson I ever learned in my life.
It was about this time a year ago, I sat at my desk at work crying. I knew it was over, finally. A feeling of shock of fear. The scariest part was the realisation that once a massive part of my life was removed there didn't seem to be much left. I didn't know who I was. It sounds like a strange thing to say but I had no idea. I didn't know who I was without him, everything I had done over such a large part of my life had been part of a pair.
Everything hurt. I missed my house. I felt like a stranger in my parents home, I had moved into my brothers room where nothing was my own. I had never felt so alone and utterly lost.
I spent days crying, not going to work just staying home and crying. Sometimes I just couldnt face it. There weren't many of these though, and my own strength did begin to amaze me. I was going through so much but I was indeed coping for the most part. It felt like everytime I built myself up he would come back and tear it down again. I let this happen a couple of times and then no more. I think thats when I truely began to feel free, when I closed the door on him for good and promised myself I would never let him back in.. and that is what I did.
It was hard that Matty wasn't here. He sent me an email I'll never forget. I didn't understand what he was on about at the time but he told me that "everything is all about you now". I had no idea what that meant. I was to learn though, very wise words.. Mum & Dad were amazing they looked after me better than I think anyone else ever could have. Jamie was brilliant. A couple of weeks after the break up and probably the second most significant day of my life he left work to be with me. I sat on my brothers bed surrounded by his things shattered and cried onto my big brothers shoulder. I was so grateful for Alana. She was there whenever I needed her. She would come over and visit all the time. She would listen to me go on and on and she was so gentle with me when I was hyper sensitive to everything. She was also a source of wisdom when I struggled to come to terms and find any logic of my own. She kept me grounded. Rosetta as usual got her ear bashed more than a few times. I really feel forever grateful to these people especially for helping me get through everything. I had to be more open to everyone than I had ever been in my life too. I think this is what ultimately saved me. I never bottled anything, if I needed to talk I did and it really did make me feel better. I am so lucky to have such great people around me.
Certainly no more than three months later my life was getting back on track. It was such a developmental time in my life. I was discovering who I was, learning new things about me. I surprised myself. I really wasn't as crap as I thought. The biggest feeling of empowerment came from learning to control my body and then succeeding at that. Something I hadn't been able to do before.
Last year is a bit of a boozey blur. I had alot of lost time to make up for. Alana was certainly my booze hag partner in well being boozey. I've never had so much fun.
I am so proud of myself for everything that I have overcome, and what I have achieved in the last 12 months. I've achieved and conquered things I never thought I would be able to do. I realised what a strong and independent person I am and that I can be. I can do anything I put my mind to and I don't doubt that. It scares me to realise that the only thing that can hold me back now is me and my choices. But I will make the right ones. I do more than ok on my own..
I never thought I could love again so soon. I never thought anyone would love me. If it had been anyone else I don't think I could have let them in. It's because he is who is, how he makes me feel. I don't want to love anybody but he is impossible not to love..
At the time I wondered where and who I would be in twelve months. I thought alot about this day over the past twelve months. I knew to me it would be some sort of benchmark. I don't think I could have imagined that I could be who I am today, and be where I am today.
A year ago today my life began. I'll never forget it though. I have moved on but I will never forget the biggest lesson I ever learned in my life.
It was about this time a year ago, I sat at my desk at work crying. I knew it was over, finally. A feeling of shock of fear. The scariest part was the realisation that once a massive part of my life was removed there didn't seem to be much left. I didn't know who I was. It sounds like a strange thing to say but I had no idea. I didn't know who I was without him, everything I had done over such a large part of my life had been part of a pair.
Everything hurt. I missed my house. I felt like a stranger in my parents home, I had moved into my brothers room where nothing was my own. I had never felt so alone and utterly lost.
I spent days crying, not going to work just staying home and crying. Sometimes I just couldnt face it. There weren't many of these though, and my own strength did begin to amaze me. I was going through so much but I was indeed coping for the most part. It felt like everytime I built myself up he would come back and tear it down again. I let this happen a couple of times and then no more. I think thats when I truely began to feel free, when I closed the door on him for good and promised myself I would never let him back in.. and that is what I did.
It was hard that Matty wasn't here. He sent me an email I'll never forget. I didn't understand what he was on about at the time but he told me that "everything is all about you now". I had no idea what that meant. I was to learn though, very wise words.. Mum & Dad were amazing they looked after me better than I think anyone else ever could have. Jamie was brilliant. A couple of weeks after the break up and probably the second most significant day of my life he left work to be with me. I sat on my brothers bed surrounded by his things shattered and cried onto my big brothers shoulder. I was so grateful for Alana. She was there whenever I needed her. She would come over and visit all the time. She would listen to me go on and on and she was so gentle with me when I was hyper sensitive to everything. She was also a source of wisdom when I struggled to come to terms and find any logic of my own. She kept me grounded. Rosetta as usual got her ear bashed more than a few times. I really feel forever grateful to these people especially for helping me get through everything. I had to be more open to everyone than I had ever been in my life too. I think this is what ultimately saved me. I never bottled anything, if I needed to talk I did and it really did make me feel better. I am so lucky to have such great people around me.
Certainly no more than three months later my life was getting back on track. It was such a developmental time in my life. I was discovering who I was, learning new things about me. I surprised myself. I really wasn't as crap as I thought. The biggest feeling of empowerment came from learning to control my body and then succeeding at that. Something I hadn't been able to do before.
Last year is a bit of a boozey blur. I had alot of lost time to make up for. Alana was certainly my booze hag partner in well being boozey. I've never had so much fun.
I am so proud of myself for everything that I have overcome, and what I have achieved in the last 12 months. I've achieved and conquered things I never thought I would be able to do. I realised what a strong and independent person I am and that I can be. I can do anything I put my mind to and I don't doubt that. It scares me to realise that the only thing that can hold me back now is me and my choices. But I will make the right ones. I do more than ok on my own..
I never thought I could love again so soon. I never thought anyone would love me. If it had been anyone else I don't think I could have let them in. It's because he is who is, how he makes me feel. I don't want to love anybody but he is impossible not to love..
At the time I wondered where and who I would be in twelve months. I thought alot about this day over the past twelve months. I knew to me it would be some sort of benchmark. I don't think I could have imagined that I could be who I am today, and be where I am today.