The only boy that could ever teach me..
I reached a conclusion last night, that ultimately no matter much crap my mind has to sift through, I will come to same conclusion. I have two choices.
1} End it, be alone. Life would go back to normal eventually. That being easy. The easiest way of life I find for me to achieve what I need to, for me to do my own thing. When I am alone its almost like its me or nothing, so do something with it, and I did and I do. There would probably always be some sort of hurt, some sort of wonderment. It would all be a beautiful perfect memory though, and that is tempting. To not have it spoiled.
Or
2} Let it be what it is, what it is going to be - whatever that is. It's a scary thought, its very confronting. It feels like such a huge risk at this point in my life. I don't want the shit in my past to hang over my head, to have any sort of power to control my future. It doesn't have to be what I have had before. It already isn't. Well the chinese routine might have to be broken but thats about it. Chalk and cheese. I guess a scary factor of this is I don't want to be how I was before either, I think those traits of my behaviour stemmed from being miserable though. Go with the flow. Be with him. Let it be.
When I think about this past weekend, and the past nearly three weeks. Its almost an easy choice. I know what I am capable of, and I am capable of alot. I do know however that I am not capable of walking away..
Meanwhile I'm an idiot. I checked my file at work today, something I rarely do but I had very little to do and was trying to look busy. There was a fistfull of payslips and also a christmas card! I thought this was hilarious. I am going to get it out of my bag in a moment and put it on my desk. It's hallmark! Lovely.
Seeing as its my journal I should probably insert a short whinge in here about how lazy I have been the last week and have NOT repeat NOT been to the gym at all! Very slack. This week I will be a good girl :)
Sleep!
1} End it, be alone. Life would go back to normal eventually. That being easy. The easiest way of life I find for me to achieve what I need to, for me to do my own thing. When I am alone its almost like its me or nothing, so do something with it, and I did and I do. There would probably always be some sort of hurt, some sort of wonderment. It would all be a beautiful perfect memory though, and that is tempting. To not have it spoiled.
Or
2} Let it be what it is, what it is going to be - whatever that is. It's a scary thought, its very confronting. It feels like such a huge risk at this point in my life. I don't want the shit in my past to hang over my head, to have any sort of power to control my future. It doesn't have to be what I have had before. It already isn't. Well the chinese routine might have to be broken but thats about it. Chalk and cheese. I guess a scary factor of this is I don't want to be how I was before either, I think those traits of my behaviour stemmed from being miserable though. Go with the flow. Be with him. Let it be.
When I think about this past weekend, and the past nearly three weeks. Its almost an easy choice. I know what I am capable of, and I am capable of alot. I do know however that I am not capable of walking away..
Meanwhile I'm an idiot. I checked my file at work today, something I rarely do but I had very little to do and was trying to look busy. There was a fistfull of payslips and also a christmas card! I thought this was hilarious. I am going to get it out of my bag in a moment and put it on my desk. It's hallmark! Lovely.
Seeing as its my journal I should probably insert a short whinge in here about how lazy I have been the last week and have NOT repeat NOT been to the gym at all! Very slack. This week I will be a good girl :)
Sleep!