Not a Broken Heart, Yet my Heart aches
Woke up this morning....feel off balance, I could'nt quite place, why i felt this way, yet i did. Yet i knew i had to get up, and start my day. I figure the soothing morning shower, would shake the feeling off, unfortunally it did'nt. I didn't want to put to much thought into it, instead push myself forward, yet i was baffer as to why i felt the way i did. Ashlee was sleeping, when i woke up, I figure, why wake her up, when she deserve to sleep in...after all, school just finish for her as of two days ago. So no matter how i try to do things quietly, just so that i would'nt have to wake her up with my running around, morning ritual. However, no matter how quiet i thought i was, whish apparently i wasn't, She woke up. We talked for a bit, and gave her a kiss goodbye, telling her to listen to her sister and to behave while walking out the door.
Normanly i walk to work every single day, back and forth, however today, i could'nt bring myself to walk to work today, as i still felt off key. I knew my sugar level was low, cos i had checked it before leaving the house, whish was 85, therefore i walked down two blocks...and hop on a bus, whish is something i have not done in a very very long time.
Before walking into work, i stopped at nearest store, grabbed a cup of coffee and a newspaper. As i started my morning with loads of paper work and greeting each patient when they came in, I felt my body feeling kinda weird....yet, i did'nt listen to the warming sign that my body was telling me as i continue to work. I figure, it was all in my mind...or perhaps the humid weather was getting to me...whish is why i did'nt paid any attention.
My third patient of the day, approched me, and ask me how much is it today. As i told the patient, "It's only a co payment today", we started to talk, while she was writting a check. She turn to me, and said "so, what are your plans for this 4th of July weekend". With out thinking I said..."Nothing really" She looked at me and said. "A young lady like you not doing anything for the 4th of July, why?" So i said, I have to stay close to my parents, as my father suffer from Alzheimer. With in that moment i notice the patient stop writting in her check book, she looked at me and said...Awww hun, i know the feeling quite well, as i lost my mother from Alzheimer. She began to talk, as if the pain she held deep inside her pour out from the depth of her soul. I listen silencely as the tear form from the corner of her eyes. Everything she said, were touching my heart, cos i knew to well, how she felt, and she in turned knew what i was feeling. she said, I know what you are holding inside you, I know its not easy and not many understand, i know your life as you once saw is not the same. She knew exactly what i was feeling inside....in whish i have never told or spoked about, and as my voice crack,from keeping myself from crying...holding the emotions that ran inside me,...was to tell her, the man i most imager is not the same any more, the man who was full of life, the man who stand in front of the church, preaching the word of God, power ful words...that actually touch ppl ..is gone. He's body is here, his kind eyes are still here, but his mind...lost somewhere in another world. Even dough she knew to well, what i was going thru, as she pin point my every thought, feelings and emotions. Couldn't help myself to finally breath deeply, and actually utter the words ...Thank you. I walk toward her...and wrap my arms around her, giving her a great big hugsssss...We both cried, as her final words were, God will Bless you, you are a wonderful daughter to your father. At that point i could'nt speak, as i kept fighting back the knot on my throat.
Lunch time came around, and now my body was screaming warning signs....I kept telling myself, Whats wrong with me. I figure now my sugar level was extremely low...low enough to feel my knees weak, to feel light headed, to feel my body tremble, and the sweat began to slowly cover my forehead. I stood online at the deli, Hoping that the person behind the counter would ask me what i wanted from the deli department. I thought that if the person never came around to ask me....i was going to past out. when i finally got served, and paid for my food....i headed back to work, so that i can sit down, able to eat, my lunch so that i can bring my sugar level up. As i started to eat, i felt this overwhelming feeling of throwing up. I was nauseous. I had to force myself to eat... i wasn't even hungry yet i knew if i did'nt eat, it woulda been worse. Finally after eating my lunch , i sat at my desk, trying to talk myself from not panicking. I kept saying, "OKay, you just ate, lets give the food some time to absorb thru you system, soon this will past. As i sat there , calming myself and waiting for it to past, something strange began to happen, in whish i have never felt before. At that very moment, i felt as someone sucked up all my energy, my body felt limp, i notice how it was hard for me to talk, or focus, and when i did speak ...the words came out wrong. as if i had no control of my mouth. Yet the worse part of it all, was a sudden sharp pain on my heart. My mind was screaming, "oh God, what is this" I manage to get up from my seat, feeling as if i was moving in slow motion, walking to the bathroom felt like an eternity. As i finally reach the bathroom,...I open the cold faulcet and pour cold water over my face. I put the toilet lid down and sat on it... i rest my head on the sink. telling myself "Oh please dont let this happen" still the sharp pain in my heart was still there. I kept asking myself, "How low is my sugar level" am I having a heart attack? I know i have been stressing, yet not to the point of bring on a heart attack. I realize that my sugar musta drop lower than 50, as all sign of a low sugar level were there. I could'nt even bring myself to tell my co worker, "Help Me"...nor pick up the phone for Help, i couldn't barely speak. I knew i had to do something. I finally left the bathroom. walk to my desk and drank a soda, and ate some candy in whish i always kept in my desk drawer for emergency purpose like this. In the mean time, i kept talking to myself....in side my mind i was saying...dont panic, you can do this. just relax. After awhile the pain in my heart was subsiding. My body stop shaking, i was able to say words much better, and focus.
I have never felt that in my life, it scared me to no end. I know i have a dr appoitment in five weeks. In whish i must ask the dr to check my heart. when i got home, and check my sugar, ..my sugar level was 50. I realize my sugar level musta drop dramatically, during lunch. yet the candy and coke, did'nt bring my sugar level up as i thought it would....it was still low at 5:20pm when i got home. MY mother ask me to eat dinner and at the same time said....what's wrong you dont look good, all i could say was...mom, i'm not feeling well....i had told her what happen. and even dough i did'nt have the sharp pain in my heart, yet i feel as if my heart is sore, i still feel like i have ...no ounce of energy in me. ...its now 9:04pm, my body is not trembling, nor do i have any sign of my sugar level being low...yet, i feel soooooo lifeless.
soon it will be time to take my medications. yet in the pit of my soul there's this fear as to what the medication will do. I took my sugar level and the reading now is 120, whish is good.
I can't let this get me down, nor will i let it beat me. God send me an angel, and i know the angel is with me. beside lettin the drs still care for me...i also place my faith in God...
Normanly i walk to work every single day, back and forth, however today, i could'nt bring myself to walk to work today, as i still felt off key. I knew my sugar level was low, cos i had checked it before leaving the house, whish was 85, therefore i walked down two blocks...and hop on a bus, whish is something i have not done in a very very long time.
Before walking into work, i stopped at nearest store, grabbed a cup of coffee and a newspaper. As i started my morning with loads of paper work and greeting each patient when they came in, I felt my body feeling kinda weird....yet, i did'nt listen to the warming sign that my body was telling me as i continue to work. I figure, it was all in my mind...or perhaps the humid weather was getting to me...whish is why i did'nt paid any attention.
My third patient of the day, approched me, and ask me how much is it today. As i told the patient, "It's only a co payment today", we started to talk, while she was writting a check. She turn to me, and said "so, what are your plans for this 4th of July weekend". With out thinking I said..."Nothing really" She looked at me and said. "A young lady like you not doing anything for the 4th of July, why?" So i said, I have to stay close to my parents, as my father suffer from Alzheimer. With in that moment i notice the patient stop writting in her check book, she looked at me and said...Awww hun, i know the feeling quite well, as i lost my mother from Alzheimer. She began to talk, as if the pain she held deep inside her pour out from the depth of her soul. I listen silencely as the tear form from the corner of her eyes. Everything she said, were touching my heart, cos i knew to well, how she felt, and she in turned knew what i was feeling. she said, I know what you are holding inside you, I know its not easy and not many understand, i know your life as you once saw is not the same. She knew exactly what i was feeling inside....in whish i have never told or spoked about, and as my voice crack,from keeping myself from crying...holding the emotions that ran inside me,...was to tell her, the man i most imager is not the same any more, the man who was full of life, the man who stand in front of the church, preaching the word of God, power ful words...that actually touch ppl ..is gone. He's body is here, his kind eyes are still here, but his mind...lost somewhere in another world. Even dough she knew to well, what i was going thru, as she pin point my every thought, feelings and emotions. Couldn't help myself to finally breath deeply, and actually utter the words ...Thank you. I walk toward her...and wrap my arms around her, giving her a great big hugsssss...We both cried, as her final words were, God will Bless you, you are a wonderful daughter to your father. At that point i could'nt speak, as i kept fighting back the knot on my throat.
Lunch time came around, and now my body was screaming warning signs....I kept telling myself, Whats wrong with me. I figure now my sugar level was extremely low...low enough to feel my knees weak, to feel light headed, to feel my body tremble, and the sweat began to slowly cover my forehead. I stood online at the deli, Hoping that the person behind the counter would ask me what i wanted from the deli department. I thought that if the person never came around to ask me....i was going to past out. when i finally got served, and paid for my food....i headed back to work, so that i can sit down, able to eat, my lunch so that i can bring my sugar level up. As i started to eat, i felt this overwhelming feeling of throwing up. I was nauseous. I had to force myself to eat... i wasn't even hungry yet i knew if i did'nt eat, it woulda been worse. Finally after eating my lunch , i sat at my desk, trying to talk myself from not panicking. I kept saying, "OKay, you just ate, lets give the food some time to absorb thru you system, soon this will past. As i sat there , calming myself and waiting for it to past, something strange began to happen, in whish i have never felt before. At that very moment, i felt as someone sucked up all my energy, my body felt limp, i notice how it was hard for me to talk, or focus, and when i did speak ...the words came out wrong. as if i had no control of my mouth. Yet the worse part of it all, was a sudden sharp pain on my heart. My mind was screaming, "oh God, what is this" I manage to get up from my seat, feeling as if i was moving in slow motion, walking to the bathroom felt like an eternity. As i finally reach the bathroom,...I open the cold faulcet and pour cold water over my face. I put the toilet lid down and sat on it... i rest my head on the sink. telling myself "Oh please dont let this happen" still the sharp pain in my heart was still there. I kept asking myself, "How low is my sugar level" am I having a heart attack? I know i have been stressing, yet not to the point of bring on a heart attack. I realize that my sugar musta drop lower than 50, as all sign of a low sugar level were there. I could'nt even bring myself to tell my co worker, "Help Me"...nor pick up the phone for Help, i couldn't barely speak. I knew i had to do something. I finally left the bathroom. walk to my desk and drank a soda, and ate some candy in whish i always kept in my desk drawer for emergency purpose like this. In the mean time, i kept talking to myself....in side my mind i was saying...dont panic, you can do this. just relax. After awhile the pain in my heart was subsiding. My body stop shaking, i was able to say words much better, and focus.
I have never felt that in my life, it scared me to no end. I know i have a dr appoitment in five weeks. In whish i must ask the dr to check my heart. when i got home, and check my sugar, ..my sugar level was 50. I realize my sugar level musta drop dramatically, during lunch. yet the candy and coke, did'nt bring my sugar level up as i thought it would....it was still low at 5:20pm when i got home. MY mother ask me to eat dinner and at the same time said....what's wrong you dont look good, all i could say was...mom, i'm not feeling well....i had told her what happen. and even dough i did'nt have the sharp pain in my heart, yet i feel as if my heart is sore, i still feel like i have ...no ounce of energy in me. ...its now 9:04pm, my body is not trembling, nor do i have any sign of my sugar level being low...yet, i feel soooooo lifeless.
soon it will be time to take my medications. yet in the pit of my soul there's this fear as to what the medication will do. I took my sugar level and the reading now is 120, whish is good.
I can't let this get me down, nor will i let it beat me. God send me an angel, and i know the angel is with me. beside lettin the drs still care for me...i also place my faith in God...