Gaining some perspective ...
We take many things in life for granted; eating, drinking, talking, smiling, moving … the simple fact that our eye-lids close automatically in protection against outside elements. Suddenly those natural things that we so with so much ease is taken away and it can leave you floundering and frustrated.
A week and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy. I had heard of this condition but had never really given it much thought. It was something others had to deal with, but I was fine and healthy. But then I did have to deal with it.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like this condition is death sentence or stops me from doing day to day activities for the most part. You can function and you are told by doctors and various google searches that almost 90% of people fully recover. No big deal right? It’s just a minor inconvenience to deal with for a short period compared to what some others have to deal with health wise.
But therein lies the problem. There are no guarantees, there are no sure-fire cures to make it magically go away. There is so much uncertainty surrounding your personal battle with this condition that it can be hard not to fall down the pit of despair, anxiety and depression. This condition takes a serious swing at your mental health.
You can’t even do a simple thing like smile; and let me tell you that you do not realize how much smiling is involved in everyday interactions with people until you can only move one side of your face. You cannot close you eye (welcome constant eyedrops and eye protection … wind is not your friend) Your speech tends to slur around your handicapped lips and you just feel like a monster. And the worst thing. You don’t know for sure what is going to happen. Your doctor can assure you all you want; your friends can shower you with positive statements of support and you do absolutely appreciate every single bit of support but in the back of your mind that fear is there. What if?
What if this doesn’t just take two weeks to repair (because apparently that’s how long it takes the facial nerve to repair itself - something I know now) What if your recovery takes 6 months? What if you’re in that rare 10% of patients that has permanent damage, and this is life now? You’re told to keep your chin up and to not think like that. But in most cases of sickness or conditions you have a yay or nay diagnosis. In most cases the doctor can tell you without a doubt that you’re stuck with this now or give you a prescription that will send the ailment packing. But with Bell’s Palsy … it’s a guessing game. The Doctors just can’t give you the answers you need because they do not know enough about the condition (as admitted by my Doctor last week) The fact of the matter is this condition does not just affect the way you look and move about life … it affects your mental health in a way that quite honestly is hard for people to understand. For a while it was hard for ME to understand why I couldn’t just buck up and think positive. I mean it’s not that bad. What am I crying over? It’s not forever.
Yep. This sounds overly dramatic. And for me? I have been lucky. As long as I show no emotion whatsoever, it’s not all that noticeable. I look normal. So how can I expect people to truly comprehend how soul crushing this is? It’s not like I’ve been given a terminal illness, look horribly disfigured or have been saddled with a condition that is 100% permanent as I know many people in my life have been. I haven’t had my life as I know it ripped from me like another friend of mine has. So this despair is hard to comprehend … even for me.
But as recovery is pending and your future in limbo, it is a battle every damn day to not feel overwhelmed and handicapped … and exhausted (sleeping with one eye taped down is hard because I’m constantly conscious of my eye wanting to open against the tape.)
I’ve done a lot of reading since my hospital visit and diagnosis on Monday 12th of August and what does make me feel a little more at ease is not the websites telling me the symptoms and the chances for recovery … but the stories from other people who have suffered from this whether it be for two weeks, 3-6 months or YEARS … they all felt the same helplessness, fear, anxiety, depression and despair. So many of them struggled with friends and family understanding just how badly the condition affected their mental health whether it be for a short period or long term. Many struggled with that inner confusion themselves and knowing that this feeling is normal has actually helped to control my natural inclination to spiral into anxiety and depression. I am not alone in how this makes me feel.
So, in the end, while it goes against my natural inclination to fear the worst in every scenario? (I'm working on that lol) I’m forcing myself to be positive I will recover … and fully. I truly hope it is sooner rather than later because I wasn’t joking about the exhaustion hehe … but I am sure I will have a full recovery.
This experience has given me one thing. Perspective. It’s so easy to take the small things in life for granted, even something as simple as smiling. It’s easy to forget how lucky we are. Lucky to be healthy, to feel loved and supported, to comfortable in your surroundings. Not everyone is as lucky, and life is a fickle bitch full of unpredictability. This small period in my life will have been a lesson.
Appreciate the small things in life.