Bad Dream Town [Reita/Ruki] Chapter 3/??
Title: Bad Dream Town
Author: lovingreituki
Genre: Romance, Shotacon, Angst
Warning: pedophilia (ruki: 15 reita: 28), bad language, grammar (here and there)
Pairings: Reita/Ruki (Maybe more in future... I'll see)
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Just this sick imagination
Summary: Can love between 15 years old teen and 28 years old man develop? Is age only just a number?
[Chapter 3]
I was slowly opening my eyes and felt like I slept for centuries. It was hard for me to open the eyes from some reason... I surely had slept for too long. Then, I remembered I wasn't in my house and I immediately got up and started changing the clothes. Akira must be pissed off at me for staying in bed too long. But, he would have woken me up if he got angry, right? I stopped thinking and quickly got out of the room and padded bare-feeted in the living room finding him relaxed on a couch watching TV.
"3 pm." He said as he looked at my questioning look. I was surprised how he read my mind just like that. Though, it wasn't really surprising either. I could bet I had a horrified expression. "Don't worry," He added and then just walked up to me "you've already said you won't be going to school, haven't you?" I blinked couple of times at how nice was he again. He was nice last night too, but every time someone was nice to me, I would get surprised. Especially when it obviously wasn't fake. Other than Arata, no one was good to me. "I've made you pancakes..."
"Oh you didn't have to!" I exclaimed, not allowing him to finish. I seriously felt like I was bothering him, even though he hadn't told me so.
"I've wanted to." Akira chuckled and just passed by me, heading to a dining room. My stomach turned as soon as he said that he actually wanted to. I didn't know how much true it was, but I wanted to believe it was even if it would turn out to be otherwise.
I sat at the table and started at pancakes in front of me and then back at Akira who was sitting near me. I had never eaten in someone else's house, so I was pretty anxious over all of that. Should I immediately start eating or should I just wait for something? I hesitantly took a fork and a knife and started eating it, refusing to take a glance at the man beside me. But that wasn't really smart move because as soon as I looked at Akira I saw him looking right at my scars on my left arm. My eyes widened and I immediately let go of the dinner set and placed my arms under the table.
"I'm sorry you had to see this." I lowered my gaze and felt embarrassed for the first time in my life about this. Usually I wouldn't care, but now I did. Maybe I just liked this man too much than I originally thought.
"No, it's alright." He quickly said, surprise clearly showing in his voice. "B-but... why?" Oh, no, no, no he doesn't want to see me anymore was the thought that was constantly repeating in my mind. No one liked scarred person beside them and now all hopes drowned themselves.
"Never mind."I mumbled and swiftly got up from a chair and hurriedly went to take my shoes on. I couldn't explain to him, he would think I was total freak. I heard him coming after me and then I ran to the bedroom to take my backpack and just left his apartment without even saying goodbye. He definitely didn't want to see me now, he didn't even stop me when I was about to leave. But I still felt like an idiot for leaving so suddenly... But I've already said that, I'm scared of his reaction when I tell him why. It isn't even 'normal' reason to cut myself, it's just because I'm freaking masochist. After all, he still didn't tell me about the reason for wearing that noseband.
I sighed deeply, feeling to disappointed in myself for ruining everything again and then when I was about to enter my "sweet" home, there was one big piece of paper attached to the door.
Pack your things and get the hell out of this house. I don't care if you end up as a homeless, I just don't want to see you anymore.
I didn't even to think twice to know who wrote this - my mother wasn't for sure. I would lie if I said I wasn't angry, I totally was. But, I was only angry, not even sad. I expected that sooner or later, I even wanted this to happen. And, seemed like my wish came true after all. Only wishes like that could come true this quickly. I guess I've deserved it, even thought I still don't know why.
I barged through a door furious and didn't even try to look for those two, I immediately entered my room and started packing my things. I was lucky I had suitcase otherwise I wouldn't have place to put all my clothes in. What was even worse was that I even sure that I would end up as a homeless man. I didn't know whether should I ask Arata for a place because he might be married and then I would be just margin there and would make them trouble. I definitely didn't want to go to Akira's place, mainly because he wouldn't accept to leave with him. And even after what I've done today, I don't even know if I should wait for him at 9 pm. Would he show up? I seriously didn't know, I didn't have a feeling that something good or bad would happen.
I exited the house and then looked one last time at it before I just left it forever, no hard feelings. I even doubted that my parents were there since I didn't hear anyone or anything. Maybe they just refused to see me, but I had already decided to put an end to once eternal torture. I won't argue with my father again, I won't see him again. Isn't that something great?
And, now that I don't have anywhere to go, should I just go and sit somewhere and wait for my doomsday? I was sure that I wouldn't survive, there was absolutely no way. I didn't have money to eat something unless, of course, I steal. But I wasn't even capable of stealing, I was one useless piece of shit. Maybe I should just shorten my misery and jump in front of some car passing by. No one would care if I died, I didn't even know if someone would acknowledge my disappearance.
I stood on a pavement and looked at passing cars, all those people not really caring about others. They were all occupied by their own things, not even occurring to them that someone here wanted to stop the misery life had brought to him. I tightened the grip on my suitcase as my eyes were tracing over every vehicle. Suicide had never crossed my mind until this moment, until now when I realized that there wasn't point in staying alive. There wasn't a point for me... I let go of the suitcase and put down the backpack when I spotted a car that didn't seem it would stop soon. It wasn't even that far away from me, so I clenched my fists and ran until I was sure I was on the right spot and then just jumped in front of it until my head hit asphalt. Everything around me became blurry and I heard people screaming and someone trying to call hospital... No, don't call hospital. But I couldn't move a muscle, so I just started coughing as red liquid came from my mouth.
This is my end and I've deserved it even though I still didn't know why I had deserved it. I just knew it was right thing to do. At least, that's what everyone I have met expected from me. I guess they have won this game and I don't regret it. They deserve to live, I don't. That's how it goes... Fox eats rabbit. Weak people can't last for too long.
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I heard a beeping sound and I knew what it was. It was that thing in hospital that measured your heart rate. No, no, no, no... I'm in hospital... I want to be dead, I don't want this. But, I couldn't even open my eyes, maybe I really was dead. Maybe these were those 7 second- flashback before I completely disappear from this world. But, as far as I know, I've never been to hospital, I've never been the one who was laying on a hospital bed. Maybe that was when I was born, maybe I was baby... But why didn't cry at all?
I tried to open my eyes to assure myself that I was dead or alive nevertheless. My eyes were half-open because I still couldn't open them fully, but I could see that I was the one who was laying on a hospital bed. Maybe I was looking through my mother's eyes all of this... But where was me as a baby? I didn't see any doctors and my legs weren't wide open after giving a birth to the baby. There was only one person next to the bed when I looked on the right side. With some kind of a cloth over his nose... Interesting...
Wait.
WITH A CLOTH OVER HIS NOSE?
Akira.
What was he doing here? Is he dead, too?!
"A-aki..." I couldn't even say his full name, like every muscle in my body was blocked. I saw how he smiled widely and then ran out of the room, calling nurses. No, I don't want this... Stay with me, Akira. I don't need nurses. Is this heaven?
After few seconds, a nurse came in and stared at me with kind expression on her face. So, I was alive. I don't want this! Stop this! I want to be dead, is it that hard to understand?!
"What is happening? Why am I here? What is Akira doing here and you... I don't want this..." I started mumbling as I felt my eyes filling with tears. Why can't I get what I want? Why are people so eager on saving people's lives? Why mine? I can't do anything useful with my life anyway.
"Nurse, I think he has too many sedatives in his organism." I heard Akira comment as he gave me worried look.
"Maybe, but it'll pass. Just stay with him as much as you can. " She smiled kindly at Akira and then looked at me. "You'll have to stay here for two more days until full recover." I frowned and squeezed covers underneath me.
"I don't want to." I retorted, hissing silently. The nurse seemed surprised as she chuckled afterwards, making me annoyed immediately. There wasn't anything funny as far as I was concerned.
"How you don't want this? You have to if you want to -- "
"I want to be dead! Is it hard to understand?!" Akira's and her eyes widened in shock and no one knew what to say anymore. He looked at the nurse and she just nodded, leaving us two alone. My heart was racing furiously from annoyance, but it stopped instantly as Akira looked at my eyes. "Why are you here?"
"They called me to come and I ran as fast as I could when I heard you were in hospital." That made me surprised... Why was he so concerned about my health? Didn't he say on the first day that I should stay away from him? And now he was the one who didn't want to stay away. Though, I didn't want him to leave me.
"How come they have your number?" I was also surprised how I was so calm now and talked like nothing had happened while just minutes ago I was screaming here that I wanted to be dead. Why I felt so secure in this man's presence?
"They've found it in your backpack that you have left on the pavement." He paused and then added after few seconds "Don't worry, your suitcase is here, too." He smiled to me and brushed my hair with his fingers, moving few strands of my hair that fell over my face. Why is he so kind to me when I've never asked him to? His hand rested on my cheek, slowly stroking it with his thumb, making me slowly but honestly confused. I took a deep breath as it suddenly shook as I did. "Goddamn... you're so beautiful." There he goes again, saying I'm beautiful. Am I really? I don't know, I've never seen myself as a pretty one. No one ever have. But, even if I haven't, his words and actions soothed me and I can feel safe beside him. Maybe all I have ever needed in life is a simple feeling of security and I can feel that Akira can give it to me. So, my lips came near his ones slowly brushing against each other, not really sure if I should do it or not. There was insecurity in him too, because he came closer and then he pulled away a little again. I've never kissed someone, I don't know what should I do with my mouth and lips. His hand was still on my cheek and it lowered down to my neck, starting to stroke that part of my body too. I felt like I wanted to pee, but I wasn't sure if it was entirely that feeling. I just closed my eyes and let it all go, I was trapped in his touches, there was no way I could run away. He'll kill me, that's it... That was why he told me I didn't shit about him, and he was right. That was why people said that I shouldn't hang around men so much older than me, but of course I didn't listen to them - I had never listened to anyone. And this was my karma now. If I flinch, he'll kill me, that's how it goes, I know it. Maybe I liked him, but I had never said that it was right move... I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want this much older man. I was scared, I was terrified... I wanted to wait until I reach my 20's, but it seemed like I couldn't do so.
"No..." I gasped as his hand slipped into my shirt. I knew it wasn't good to say that, but I couldn't possibly let it go until the end. But, Akira didn't want to listen, he just continued to unbutton my shirt as he kissed my neck. I couldn't say that it didn't feel good, it did, but it wasn't right, something that didn't fit. Something that makes me don't want it... Probably because I know there aren't any emotions behind his actions, probably because I know that he's using me. No one wants this much younger kid and I don't want this much older man, but my feelings can't be stopped. But, I'll make them stop, I can't possibly do that... I'm the only one here who feels something, he doesn't anything. I don't want to be used, I don't want him... Even I've felt that this isn't right thing to do. He's like an animal. "Let me go!" I started to push him away from me, but he managed somehow to grab my wrists and then looked at me. His eyes were absolutely beautiful, his voice was the one I adored, his body would be the one under which I would feel safe and sound, but I knew actions his body gave to me weren't true.
"Come on, Ruki." He says as he pulls me closer to him again. He has been right all this time, I should have ran away the first time he told me to stay away from him. I wanted to scream but like my mouth were taped with something. Just go away, go away I repeated in my mind, but that never had happened. He never left and his hand lowered down between my legs, squeezing it gently. I constantly tried to push him away, but he was difficult to move any more away from me. Just when I realized that he would never leave me alone, tears started to roll down my cheeks as my hands were still on his chest still trying to push him far away from me. Akira surprisingly pulled away from me and locked his gaze with mine, as my whole body shook from sobbing. "I'm so sorry, baby." He said and wrapped his strong arms around me, hugging me tightly. Baby, I'm not a baby.
"Just let me go..." I said through tears as I tried my hardest to calm myself down, his hug not helping me anymore. He said he was sorry just like that time when he kissed me. He wasn't sorry otherwise he wouldn't do anything. I couldn't believe him anymore no matter how much I liked him.
Akira surprisingly let me go as he gently gripped my shoulders and then his hands fell down to my elbows. He still didn't let go of me completely, but it was alright if he doesn't do anything more.
"Why are you like this suddenly?" I asked, feeling sincerely confused by his actions. But I guess he was right when he told me not to be so close to him. At least we are both humans, we can use ability of speech to understand each other. We aren't mute either nor deaf.
"Don't you want to be friends with me?"
"I didn't know friends do that." I huffed, feeling fear raising in my body even more. I was scared of him now. He didn't say anything after that, just kept on tearing my gaze with his one. "Forget about me when I leave the hospital." I said, finding it somehow to say that. In fact I didn't want him away from me, but I was scared partly too. He was right... I should have ran away from him long time ago.
"What about meeting me at 9 pm tomorrow?" He frowned and still held my elbows tightly not wanting to let go of me any sooner. Can't he understand what am I telling him? I'm sure he isn't stranger from another country.
"I've told you already... Just forget about me, about this, about the night I've spent with you. I haven't existed in your life, you haven't existed in mine. We are just two strangers who have seen each other on a street by an accident and then forgot about that they have ever seen each other that day. Nothing important... Their gazes suddenly just locked together, it could happen to any of us. Just like us, our paths suddenly crossed - nothing important." I took a deep breath after talking too much. After all, I've never really talked that much, but I just have to explain some things. It was true, I liked him, I liked him a lot, but he didn't like me. I knew he wanted to use me now because I couldn't move much because my muscles weren't that strong from hard hit on the asphalt. I didn't even know why he wanted to use me, he even said that night he could kiss me if I was a girl but then he kissed me nevertheless. What did he want from me? I didn't want anything from him anymore, at least I knew that. He was dangerous, he really was. At first, I wanted him to kiss me, but then I realized he was nothing more than an animal. He just searched for a prey until his needs were satisfied and then he leaves it laying there on the ground like it had never existed.
He was a beast and I was a prey, he was a fox and I was a rabbit, he was a dog and I was a cat, he was a cat and I was a mouse.
Akira stood up and clenched his hands into fists, finally letting my arms go. And, that's how he will leave me and then he'll search for another boy like me, or a girl, the gender never matters - as long he is satisfied.
Suddenly, he caught my hands and clasped them together and looked straight at me.
"Don't try to kill yourself again, please. For me, baby?" Baby - why he continually keeps calling me like that? Probably trying to make his prey believe him and to abandon itself completely to him.
"It's my choice." I firmly said, still not giving up on attempting to do that again. It wouldn't be fail next time, I knew it. I would go somewhere where nobody can see me and that would be my end.
"Don't do that, please." Akira still insisted as his grip on my hands tightened. Why was he begging me? Maybe he wants to kill me himself? Though, at that moment he seemed sincere, way different when he held me in his arms moments ago. Just when I was about to open my mouth to argue, he cut me off "If you think no one cares, remember that I do." And, just like that, he left me alone, carefully closing the door afterwards.
"Bullshit." I muttered to myself. How come he cares out of all people who are supposed to care? How does he dare to care about me!? No one ever have! I brought a hospital's blanket over my head, covering myself completely as I started crying for the first time after last few years. I didn't know the reason why I had cried that moment, I just felt like it. Maybe because I knew I wouldn't see Akira again after this day. Maybe because I've became too attached to him after all of this and am not able to let go of him yet, no matter if he is a beast. But I knew I had to let him go... I didn't want to be used by a person for whom I had cared, it hurt, it fucking hurt.
But, I will eventually forget about him, he won't exist for me, we have never met. That's how it goes, he leaves, another person will come to into my life. Everything will fade away after some time. Even if it hurts now, it won't later, it definitely won't. I won't care anymore, that's my final decision. I shouldn't have looked at him in first place, nothing would happen then.
I can't let myself become his prey no matter how much I'm hurting right now.