Turning the page
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I take great comfort in the fact that April is drawing to a close.
April was a month of great disappointment. I’ve cried more than I’ve ever thought I was capable of crying. I’ve cried so much that I gave myself a very ugly and uncomfortable cold sore on the bottom of my right nostril. The tears were so free-flowing that I couldn’t even keep my nose clean. I couldn’t focus on anything, not even day to day tasks like getting out of my pajamas or eating lunch. I’ve never felt such a deep feeling of utter hopelessness and helplessness.
To make matters worse, somehow among the sea of chaos, I achieved a very unhealthy and quite pathetic trauma bond, and I’m struggling to try to move past it. That’s just what I need, to feel these teenage feelings of HAVING to do a certain thing or HAVING to go to a certain place, otherwise my life will completely fall apart. It’s all so pathetically dramatic. It’s not even worth diving into. If I was a late teen again, I would be getting myself into a sea of trouble.
I’m starting to feel as though I haven’t really come to terms with the facts that a) I was pregnant and b) I’m not pregnant anymore. I’ve cried, but this feeling of numbness has been pretty persistent the past few weeks. At first I felt like I was grieving for too long, but now I’m wondering if I’ve really grieved at all since the miscarriage actually happened. Most of my crying happened when I first found out from the hospital that there was a problem. Nothing much has happened since that painful Thursday.
But, I keep taking things one day at a time.
The weather will be beautiful tomorrow, and I have a coffee date with one of my best friends. Two ways to have a fresh start to a new month. I welcome May.
Originally published at lovinglyWORN. Please leave any comments there.