(no subject)
"When you get blue, and you've lost all your dreams, there's nothing like a campfire and a can o' beans..." I'm surprised I haven't lost all my dreams or my head for that matter, because I've lost everything else.
I've lost...my wallet and all it's contents, the race for scholarship and contest deadlines, a deftones concert shirt, a dime with a heart punched in it, my favorite Beatles, RX Bandits and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club CDs, a sixteen-year-old relationship/deep-seeded connection, the will to study and do well in class, my inner-need to paint, the battery charger for my camera, my cell phone holster...
I'm longing for summer...I can hardly stand this. I need bruised knees, tight tees, boy shorts, hippie skirts, dark nights, staged fights, house parties taken outside, walking with pride, light trench coats, broken row boats. I want to be able to breathe without my lungs freezing, I want to race a boy to the train and win, I want ADIDAS to waft through an upstairs room, I want the pink roses on Harper to bloom, I want warmth and courage, I want tank tops, bikini tops, high tops, low tops, no tops. Syncronized thoughts, that one time we fought, the first kik wear jeans I bought, the fame we saught...the killer sickness I caught. I want blue hair in the breeze, I want an arm out the window with ease. I miss that feeling, when he and I were lying on the floor, staring at the stars on the ceiling and he touched my hand. I miss the woods, I miss eating subway at Eagle Pointe, the seaweed he kissed me with, and the most random conversations I've ever had. I miss that one party at Denises when everything was perfect, I miss not caring that I had to walk home, I'm jonesin' for a jones run, for the secret rendevous at the baseball field to watch for shooting stars and being so nervous that he would think I was just a dumb girl, for that one year at camp when we were kings. I miss Wongs, singing songs - so loud that my throat burned. I miss playing catch, running fast, band practice. I miss shameless flirtation and the christmas tree creamation, when going to mall was an event, making that tent, breaking into summer homes, skipping stones, swimming in pools, not worrying about school...I want someone to hold me and tell me he feels like the stars - ages away, I want the hear the rain coming and race it to the door, that time at the roseville theatre when I almost got high, ice cream fights, toronto nights, that 6:00 am flight, fish net tights, no lights, flying kites and knowing I'm right. Bee stings, bird wings, rims that bling, plastic rings. Dollar store boys, Big Lots shopping cart boys, cheap toys, small joys, making noise, causing a scene, Taco Bell signs, when the Wired Frog was cool, kissing and not caring who sees, crying so hard and loud and not knowing why, high way underpasses, the first day of classes...Flowers in my locker - the happiest I've ever been.
I should stop dwelling on things...