the letter I sent to Billy
I have been struggling to find the right way to tell you how I feel, without crying, without yelling. It seems when I reach out to you, all the hurt and shame come rushing back. And I cannot seem to spit it out. In the heat of the moment I get angry, I have cried so many tears that I just cannot bear to loose another tear over this.
So even trying to write to you has been angry. I had thought I would never get the chance or find the way to try and explain it.
Then oddly enough, I was having another sleepless night, and was watching this very obscure horror movie, and the soundtrack caught me! I was odd, I started to cry, and I was very overwhelmed by a silly punk song. So I tried to look it up, and could not get much of anything. So, (and just one more thing I love so much about my children) I sent an email to John, asking him if he had seen the movie. Knowing that he loves a good horror flick as I do. He had not seen it, but did know the group that did the music for it! (All of this at 2am) and shocking enough he had a CD of theirs. So the next day he gave me a copy.
I have listened to it while doing house work, laundry, showering. And Every time this song "False" plays I have to stop and breath so I don't cry.
Now tell me Billy, who cries over thrash/punk songs? Seems I do!
So when I actually pay attention to the words, its no wonder, its like someone stole our story out of my head! Granted not the whole story, but the end, all the secrets, and emotional times. And my thoughts, not an outsiders view. Its totally crazy.!
So I figured this is the easiest way, you having a great appreciation for music, maybe, just maybe you could understand if you read the words, and even maybe find the song and listen to it.
Maybe you could for a moment, get why I have issues being alone with you, and not wanting anything more than a casual friendship with you, if anything at all.
I have been working very hard at repairing myself, my fears and pain, have made moving forward very difficult. I tend to push people away or run them off because I have huge trust issues. I used to worry about being beaten, then worried about my physical appearance, but now its all about where people are and what they are doing. It is not healthy, and I am working very hard to get past this.
I deserve to find happiness, and once my repairs get going I will be able to start looking for my other half.
So I need to say, that I have loved you since the moment we kissed in the rain that Labor Day weekend oh so long ago. And love for me never ends, even if it changes.
If you can ever find a way for you to be my friend, then you always know how to find me. If not I completely understand.
Be well my friend
Tricia
Here are the lyrics to "False" by Devola
"Here I am in your bed again,
a heart to mend, a body to lend. Shadows leave you faceless,
I like you better that way,
'cuz I could never face this in the light of the day
This seems so real, sweaty palms and sticky skin,
I love how this feels,
but I know I am being taken
'cuz your kisses on my neck,
the rhythm of your voice, everything about this is false,
it's false
You invited me over here,
Knowing how much I still care,
Your love just disappeared,
But mine, it was still there,
But I want you,
I'll take whatever I can get,
I'll wake dying to forget,
It makes me sick
This seems so real, sweaty palms and sticky skin,
I love how this feels,
but I know I am being taken
'cuz your kisses on my neck,
the rhythm of your voice, everything about this is false,
it's false,
Are you being satisfied?
Does this leave you gratified?
I some how compromise everything I am,
Are you feeling completed?
And does this leave me defeated?
I have exceeded my limits,
I've done all that I can,
Surrendered,
Surrendered myself,
Surrendered,
Surrendered to your kisses,
Surrendered to your pulse,
Surrendered to a night that went short,
That was false, its false
So even trying to write to you has been angry. I had thought I would never get the chance or find the way to try and explain it.
Then oddly enough, I was having another sleepless night, and was watching this very obscure horror movie, and the soundtrack caught me! I was odd, I started to cry, and I was very overwhelmed by a silly punk song. So I tried to look it up, and could not get much of anything. So, (and just one more thing I love so much about my children) I sent an email to John, asking him if he had seen the movie. Knowing that he loves a good horror flick as I do. He had not seen it, but did know the group that did the music for it! (All of this at 2am) and shocking enough he had a CD of theirs. So the next day he gave me a copy.
I have listened to it while doing house work, laundry, showering. And Every time this song "False" plays I have to stop and breath so I don't cry.
Now tell me Billy, who cries over thrash/punk songs? Seems I do!
So when I actually pay attention to the words, its no wonder, its like someone stole our story out of my head! Granted not the whole story, but the end, all the secrets, and emotional times. And my thoughts, not an outsiders view. Its totally crazy.!
So I figured this is the easiest way, you having a great appreciation for music, maybe, just maybe you could understand if you read the words, and even maybe find the song and listen to it.
Maybe you could for a moment, get why I have issues being alone with you, and not wanting anything more than a casual friendship with you, if anything at all.
I have been working very hard at repairing myself, my fears and pain, have made moving forward very difficult. I tend to push people away or run them off because I have huge trust issues. I used to worry about being beaten, then worried about my physical appearance, but now its all about where people are and what they are doing. It is not healthy, and I am working very hard to get past this.
I deserve to find happiness, and once my repairs get going I will be able to start looking for my other half.
So I need to say, that I have loved you since the moment we kissed in the rain that Labor Day weekend oh so long ago. And love for me never ends, even if it changes.
If you can ever find a way for you to be my friend, then you always know how to find me. If not I completely understand.
Be well my friend
Tricia
Here are the lyrics to "False" by Devola
"Here I am in your bed again,
a heart to mend, a body to lend. Shadows leave you faceless,
I like you better that way,
'cuz I could never face this in the light of the day
This seems so real, sweaty palms and sticky skin,
I love how this feels,
but I know I am being taken
'cuz your kisses on my neck,
the rhythm of your voice, everything about this is false,
it's false
You invited me over here,
Knowing how much I still care,
Your love just disappeared,
But mine, it was still there,
But I want you,
I'll take whatever I can get,
I'll wake dying to forget,
It makes me sick
This seems so real, sweaty palms and sticky skin,
I love how this feels,
but I know I am being taken
'cuz your kisses on my neck,
the rhythm of your voice, everything about this is false,
it's false,
Are you being satisfied?
Does this leave you gratified?
I some how compromise everything I am,
Are you feeling completed?
And does this leave me defeated?
I have exceeded my limits,
I've done all that I can,
Surrendered,
Surrendered myself,
Surrendered,
Surrendered to your kisses,
Surrendered to your pulse,
Surrendered to a night that went short,
That was false, its false