Facing the past...my random thought of the day
This is my frist day off since I started working at the hotel. I really like my job by the way, it's great and I've made up my mind that I am going to switch my major to International Business w/ a minor in Hotel Management. Who knows maybe one day I'll be GM of some great big hotel or maybe even open my own, it's just a dream but I'm going to try to get there. So anyway the point of this ridiculous post is that I have had nothing to do all day except just watch tv, daydream, and think. We all know what happens when I start thinking...things get a little complicated because I started reading way too much into things and what not.
Topic of thought today? What happens when you finally have to face your past.
That day will come. The day that someone finds out all about who I used to be, the day that I bump into my first love, the day that my past catches up with me. I don't have some crazy past that will threaten my future or anything, just a past that I sometimes wish had never happened. The person that I used to be, well the one I liked was nice but nieve, a daydreamer and trusted everyone until they gave her a reason not to. The person that I used to be but didn't like, well she was somewhat of a bitch. Ok, not somewhat, I was a bitch, completely harsh and not someone that had anyone else's emotions in mind. I basically just did what I wanted and to hell with everyone else. I don't really ever want anyone to know about those two "past me's". Because to tell you the truth I'm starting to like the person that I am now, it's a mix of the two. I'm still nice, sometimes. A bitch when I need to be. I'm not innocent but I am somewhat of a good girl. My life is pretty much balanced out now. So why would having to deal with my past be an uncomfortable situation if I'm fine with the person that I am now, because really that's all that should matter...right? Well, kinda.
I've said and done things that I'm not exactly proud of, I've hurt people that at that time meant the world to me, and in a way still do. To have to face those people would mean having to face what I did to them to hurt them so much. I would have to face them and see in their eyes all the hurt that I caused by saying things that I never meant, and I still don't mean, things that I would take back in a heart beat if I could. I constantly told myself that I could never go back because what was done was done. Said. Done. And over with. You can't really go back when everything is really that over with, now can you. I have so many thoughts everyday about what things would be like if we had just found the RIGHT words to say instead of the words that we knew would hurt the other the most. It's like if I have to face those people, if I have to look all my mistakes in the eyes, I would just end up torturing myself and those people by wondering and asking "what if?". What if things had turned out different? Where would we be now? Would things have ended anyway or was it just not our time? Ha, basically my head would just go crazy with questions and everyone knows how I am...if I have a question I ask it, I don't know how to not talk. If I had found a better answer for that person as to why I hurt them then I would want to explain which would just end up hurting them and myself again because it would bring up old emotions again.
I guess I'll never really know what will happen when I bump into my past, but I always wonder about it. I don't even really mean it but I do. I dream about it, and not on purpose, it's not a daydream, just a random dream. There will be a moment in my day when I'm not at work or when I'm not busy around the house, or I'm not completely engulfed in some stupid show on tv. There will be a moment in my day when I'm not stressing out about what I am going to do now that my lovely father has cut me off. And in that moment I will wonder "what if?", and I will wonder "what will happen when the inevitable moment arrives".
P.S. Yes I know that I am a complete nerd for writing a whole blog/post on this but it was my random thought of the day and I just could NOT get it out of my head. Plus, as I said I have no work today so I am a little bored. I think I'm going to go read a book now.
Oh and if you leave a comment and aren't an LJ user person thing (lol) please put your name somewhere in the message/comment. I hate playing the guessing game.
Topic of thought today? What happens when you finally have to face your past.
That day will come. The day that someone finds out all about who I used to be, the day that I bump into my first love, the day that my past catches up with me. I don't have some crazy past that will threaten my future or anything, just a past that I sometimes wish had never happened. The person that I used to be, well the one I liked was nice but nieve, a daydreamer and trusted everyone until they gave her a reason not to. The person that I used to be but didn't like, well she was somewhat of a bitch. Ok, not somewhat, I was a bitch, completely harsh and not someone that had anyone else's emotions in mind. I basically just did what I wanted and to hell with everyone else. I don't really ever want anyone to know about those two "past me's". Because to tell you the truth I'm starting to like the person that I am now, it's a mix of the two. I'm still nice, sometimes. A bitch when I need to be. I'm not innocent but I am somewhat of a good girl. My life is pretty much balanced out now. So why would having to deal with my past be an uncomfortable situation if I'm fine with the person that I am now, because really that's all that should matter...right? Well, kinda.
I've said and done things that I'm not exactly proud of, I've hurt people that at that time meant the world to me, and in a way still do. To have to face those people would mean having to face what I did to them to hurt them so much. I would have to face them and see in their eyes all the hurt that I caused by saying things that I never meant, and I still don't mean, things that I would take back in a heart beat if I could. I constantly told myself that I could never go back because what was done was done. Said. Done. And over with. You can't really go back when everything is really that over with, now can you. I have so many thoughts everyday about what things would be like if we had just found the RIGHT words to say instead of the words that we knew would hurt the other the most. It's like if I have to face those people, if I have to look all my mistakes in the eyes, I would just end up torturing myself and those people by wondering and asking "what if?". What if things had turned out different? Where would we be now? Would things have ended anyway or was it just not our time? Ha, basically my head would just go crazy with questions and everyone knows how I am...if I have a question I ask it, I don't know how to not talk. If I had found a better answer for that person as to why I hurt them then I would want to explain which would just end up hurting them and myself again because it would bring up old emotions again.
I guess I'll never really know what will happen when I bump into my past, but I always wonder about it. I don't even really mean it but I do. I dream about it, and not on purpose, it's not a daydream, just a random dream. There will be a moment in my day when I'm not at work or when I'm not busy around the house, or I'm not completely engulfed in some stupid show on tv. There will be a moment in my day when I'm not stressing out about what I am going to do now that my lovely father has cut me off. And in that moment I will wonder "what if?", and I will wonder "what will happen when the inevitable moment arrives".
P.S. Yes I know that I am a complete nerd for writing a whole blog/post on this but it was my random thought of the day and I just could NOT get it out of my head. Plus, as I said I have no work today so I am a little bored. I think I'm going to go read a book now.
Oh and if you leave a comment and aren't an LJ user person thing (lol) please put your name somewhere in the message/comment. I hate playing the guessing game.