Remnants of the Writers Yoga Workshop
You cannot lose what you never possessed. My dad's body found permanent rest in September of 2006. I emotionally lost him from my earliest memory. Though my mother bears to date hidden her reasoning, she lied to me all my life. I do not know her reasons, so I forge my own...
My dad joined the Army against my mother's wishes. When he willed and she found herself pregnant, she scouted a suitable surrogate. She convinced the new guy her unborn child was his and he wedded her to legitimize me. I was born with his name, but upon birth, there was no doubt I was not his kid. Despite my real dad's efforts to unite with me, I rejected him because I believed my mother. My father loved me, and wanted me to be a happy and balanced child. My mother used me as a tool for revenge. She hated my existence. I recall my childhood vividly only because I replayed the trauma in my head. Just as I remember a memory at the age of 18 months when my uncle tickled me until I struggled to breath... I can remember one Fourth of July in early age, my mother cursed at me and vented "I wish I could suffocate you with a pillow." I grew up knowing I lost my mother from the start. In cognition, I resented her. She showered my brothers with love and tending, and in her neglect I black-sheeped myself. I felt like a waste product, walking/breathing zygote who never should have been carried to term.
This formed my life. Everyone wonders where my capabilities and strong mentalities originate. Some assume my military service, others consider it cultural; but mine is a resourcefulness birth from necessity. No one cared about me but me, so I grew selfish (in a positive direction and without ego). I took better care of myself than anyone could. I planned for greatness in everything and imagined 78 possible outcomes for every possible move. It's how I became me. I love me. I admit and embrace my past for every single move led me to my present.
My dad joined the Army against my mother's wishes. When he willed and she found herself pregnant, she scouted a suitable surrogate. She convinced the new guy her unborn child was his and he wedded her to legitimize me. I was born with his name, but upon birth, there was no doubt I was not his kid. Despite my real dad's efforts to unite with me, I rejected him because I believed my mother. My father loved me, and wanted me to be a happy and balanced child. My mother used me as a tool for revenge. She hated my existence. I recall my childhood vividly only because I replayed the trauma in my head. Just as I remember a memory at the age of 18 months when my uncle tickled me until I struggled to breath... I can remember one Fourth of July in early age, my mother cursed at me and vented "I wish I could suffocate you with a pillow." I grew up knowing I lost my mother from the start. In cognition, I resented her. She showered my brothers with love and tending, and in her neglect I black-sheeped myself. I felt like a waste product, walking/breathing zygote who never should have been carried to term.
This formed my life. Everyone wonders where my capabilities and strong mentalities originate. Some assume my military service, others consider it cultural; but mine is a resourcefulness birth from necessity. No one cared about me but me, so I grew selfish (in a positive direction and without ego). I took better care of myself than anyone could. I planned for greatness in everything and imagined 78 possible outcomes for every possible move. It's how I became me. I love me. I admit and embrace my past for every single move led me to my present.