hmph.
So last night I had a shoot with a photographer I met through Model Mayhem.
Started out okay, I liked his style, but as the shoot preogressed I felt more and more uncomfortable.
To me, there is a HUGE difference between modeling nude, implications of playful sexuality...and porn. Well, we had discussed and decided he would not ask me to do anything that I wasn't okay with. LIES. He was persistant, and when I would flat out say no, he became short, rude and pouty. How awkward of a position is that to be in? I am glad I brought a friend with me who was nto afraid to step in when she could tell that I was becoming uncomfortable, because this guy was NOT taking no for an answer.
Needless to say, I didn't like where it was going, I wrapped it up, the end.
He put the pictures on my SD card, but they aren't working on my computer. I asked him to send them to me through an instant messenging system, but he refuses, saying it would "take days."
Umm, sending 300 mb of pictures over an AIM file tranfer session would take about an hour. He could start it, do something else, and check back in an hour. but no, he insists on meeting with me again tonight, so he can put the images directly on my laptop.
To me, it isn't even worth it anymore. He made me uncomfortable, did not present himself like he said he would...yeah.
I won't lie, before I got uncomfortable, he took some AMAZING shots that I will absolutely use for my portfolio, but overall I felt taken advantage of. It's just like in ANY situation--no means no. I have NO PROBLEM with being nude, as stated before...but when I am told to slip off my panties and "put a lollipop where lollipops go to die"...yeah, no.
Overall I am feeling dirty, taken advantage of, and straight up freaking out. It's not like I went through with what he was implying towards, but I still feel horrid. I was thinking about it while I was washing the dishes a little bit ago--there is SUCH a difference between what he tried to get me to do, and what I want to do. I'm mad at myself for being stupid and even shooting with him in the first place. Not to mention I don't even have the fucking pictures...
So this makes me wonder: Am I just uncomfortable when it comes to being blantantly sexual, or does this have something to do with the fear of men? He was an older man, trying to persuade me to be sexual. If it was a female photographer, would I have been more into it? Would I have gone further, or felt more comfortable? I mean...it's just like having a male gyno vs. a female--women have the same equipment, we know what our bodies mean to us. Men (some, not all) see us as tools for sexuality. I couldn't help but think about this situation after it happened, and then think about my father. That makes me fucking sick, and the anxiety comes back...
So.
I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me.
When I shot with Heather, I had fun being sexy and provocative. Why? I knew she wasn't getting off on it. The whole situation was playful, no pressure...she let me go where I wanted to go. This guy...I just don't know. The whole experiance made me feel vulnerable. We shot on a bed. He wanted me to touch myself. Overall, I feel disgusting, violated, and taken advantage of. I didn't do anything wrong...or did I? I said no and stopped when I felt uncomfortable, and thank god Emily was there...
I don't like feeling like this.
Started out okay, I liked his style, but as the shoot preogressed I felt more and more uncomfortable.
To me, there is a HUGE difference between modeling nude, implications of playful sexuality...and porn. Well, we had discussed and decided he would not ask me to do anything that I wasn't okay with. LIES. He was persistant, and when I would flat out say no, he became short, rude and pouty. How awkward of a position is that to be in? I am glad I brought a friend with me who was nto afraid to step in when she could tell that I was becoming uncomfortable, because this guy was NOT taking no for an answer.
Needless to say, I didn't like where it was going, I wrapped it up, the end.
He put the pictures on my SD card, but they aren't working on my computer. I asked him to send them to me through an instant messenging system, but he refuses, saying it would "take days."
Umm, sending 300 mb of pictures over an AIM file tranfer session would take about an hour. He could start it, do something else, and check back in an hour. but no, he insists on meeting with me again tonight, so he can put the images directly on my laptop.
To me, it isn't even worth it anymore. He made me uncomfortable, did not present himself like he said he would...yeah.
I won't lie, before I got uncomfortable, he took some AMAZING shots that I will absolutely use for my portfolio, but overall I felt taken advantage of. It's just like in ANY situation--no means no. I have NO PROBLEM with being nude, as stated before...but when I am told to slip off my panties and "put a lollipop where lollipops go to die"...yeah, no.
Overall I am feeling dirty, taken advantage of, and straight up freaking out. It's not like I went through with what he was implying towards, but I still feel horrid. I was thinking about it while I was washing the dishes a little bit ago--there is SUCH a difference between what he tried to get me to do, and what I want to do. I'm mad at myself for being stupid and even shooting with him in the first place. Not to mention I don't even have the fucking pictures...
So this makes me wonder: Am I just uncomfortable when it comes to being blantantly sexual, or does this have something to do with the fear of men? He was an older man, trying to persuade me to be sexual. If it was a female photographer, would I have been more into it? Would I have gone further, or felt more comfortable? I mean...it's just like having a male gyno vs. a female--women have the same equipment, we know what our bodies mean to us. Men (some, not all) see us as tools for sexuality. I couldn't help but think about this situation after it happened, and then think about my father. That makes me fucking sick, and the anxiety comes back...
So.
I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me.
When I shot with Heather, I had fun being sexy and provocative. Why? I knew she wasn't getting off on it. The whole situation was playful, no pressure...she let me go where I wanted to go. This guy...I just don't know. The whole experiance made me feel vulnerable. We shot on a bed. He wanted me to touch myself. Overall, I feel disgusting, violated, and taken advantage of. I didn't do anything wrong...or did I? I said no and stopped when I felt uncomfortable, and thank god Emily was there...
I don't like feeling like this.