Need.
sigh...
this used to be a place where I could release everything that I have pent up inside of me. But i no longer have that...
because you don't want to know details. And details are what I want to spill right now.
Life is killing me. Every time I turn around, something else has gone wrong in my life. What's wrong with me?
ARGH. I just can't seem to do right anymore. Everything I do is wrong. And people yell. I don't like yelling. At all. It scares me...seriously. I pretend to be strong and just stare with a blank face...but inside I'm crying like a little kid who is getting spanked. I'm still a child. I still have fears. Who doesn't, right?
I realized that I have a fear of dying. Yet I hurt myself and think of it all the time. I was up on my parent's roof today, putting on Christmas lights, and I was sitting indian-style on the edge of the roof, bent over putting clips on the gutters for the lights to be strung through. And it scared me. It scared me a lot to be up on that roof, leaning over the edge, walking around, being near the power cords. I feared constantly that I would lean too far and fall and hurt myself. I was afraid that while I was walking across the roof, my shoes wouldn't be good enough to hold on and I would slip and fall. Or that the roof wouldn't be supportive enough in areas and I would fall through. Or that the wires would have a spot where the safety covering had eroded or something and I would be electrocuted. I thought about death a lot on that rooftop. And I realized that I don't like the thought of it.
Yet I still want to cut. I still want to inflict harm to myself. Why is that? Why do I want to do the very thing that could lead to death? It's so hard to say no to. So very hard.
I need strength. I need help. Really.
I need a friend.
I need prayer. I need Jesus.
this used to be a place where I could release everything that I have pent up inside of me. But i no longer have that...
because you don't want to know details. And details are what I want to spill right now.
Life is killing me. Every time I turn around, something else has gone wrong in my life. What's wrong with me?
ARGH. I just can't seem to do right anymore. Everything I do is wrong. And people yell. I don't like yelling. At all. It scares me...seriously. I pretend to be strong and just stare with a blank face...but inside I'm crying like a little kid who is getting spanked. I'm still a child. I still have fears. Who doesn't, right?
I realized that I have a fear of dying. Yet I hurt myself and think of it all the time. I was up on my parent's roof today, putting on Christmas lights, and I was sitting indian-style on the edge of the roof, bent over putting clips on the gutters for the lights to be strung through. And it scared me. It scared me a lot to be up on that roof, leaning over the edge, walking around, being near the power cords. I feared constantly that I would lean too far and fall and hurt myself. I was afraid that while I was walking across the roof, my shoes wouldn't be good enough to hold on and I would slip and fall. Or that the roof wouldn't be supportive enough in areas and I would fall through. Or that the wires would have a spot where the safety covering had eroded or something and I would be electrocuted. I thought about death a lot on that rooftop. And I realized that I don't like the thought of it.
Yet I still want to cut. I still want to inflict harm to myself. Why is that? Why do I want to do the very thing that could lead to death? It's so hard to say no to. So very hard.
I need strength. I need help. Really.
I need a friend.
I need prayer. I need Jesus.