(no subject)
3 words that sum up my life: Crash and burn.... As of last night thats exactly how I feel.
I'm beginning to think the harder I try the worse it gets. Maybe I'm naive, or maybe I'm just too dramatic. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this sort of thing, or maybe I'm just not cut out for him. Maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I'm really hurting. Whatever it is, it sucks.
All I know is the raining outside, the darkness, and the warmth of my room makes it really easy to feel sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Scratch that, I love it, but I know I shouldn't, therefore I end up feeling bad that I'm feeling sorry. It's like licking a wound. It does no good but you do it anyways because it feels better. Its like a trick that plays with your mind. You feel better for awhile, but eventually the pain returns and you think, why did I even waste my time?
Why am I waisting my time?
For a year and a half (plus some since then) I had one solid emotional support. Nothing ever really mattered because I could break down and hit rock bottom but he always dragged me out of it. And now, by fault of my own, thats gone. I know its for the best, because I can't rely on him any more, and I'd be stupid to expect that, but I can't help but have a hard time grasping that. It took all my strength last night not to call. Not to go over there and bawl. While I know I'm getting stronger, it makes me feel so weak.
I hardly slept at all last night. 6 hours of laying awake and thinking, and crying, and being retarded. Go figure, once I finally snap myself out of it and calm myself down enough to sleep, I get woken up and reminded of the whole thing all over again.
Since when has life become so retarded? And so screwed up...
This is my fault isn't it? Everythings always my fault...
Well screw it. As of today, I'm giving up. I'm not doing this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I guess despite all I wanted, it just wasn't meant to happen.
And I hate believing that. Its all a load of bull. I don't want to give up but its time I do. What do you do when your mind and your heart are on two completely different pages? Which do you choose to ignore, and which do you allow to take over?
I just need a long bubble bath, hours and hours of sleep, a lot of junk food/caffeine, and a good cry. I need a sad movie, a teddy bear, and a clear conscience.
I need you.
But I refuse to give into that. I will spend the day feeling sorry for myself, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me. I will ignore my head and my heart, and spend some time just forgetting. I'll read things I shouldve deleted, or better yet never saved. I'll write things that I'll never send, but save them because I won't be able to let those thoughts go. I'll ignore everyone. And I'll go to sleep and disregard my responsibilities, my promises, and I won't feel sorry for it the next day. I'll daydream of perfect endings, perfect solutions, perfect apologies. I'll convince myself that somethings going to happen, and I'll get upset when it doesnt. Its human nature, I can't help it. I'll wish for things to work out, but know that they most likely wont. I'll pretend that you really care the way you do in my head. I'll create these suprise happy scenarios and cry because they won't happen.
Its going to be great. And I mean that. It'll be theraeputic in the worst way possible. But thats what I need. I need to feel falsely secure. Oh my my my, look what I've gotten myself into now...