a journal and cheap therapy, all in one.
finding it hard to figure out what to do with my time, the short, sporatic intervals between work and sleep that we call "life", and what it all adds up to in the end.
some people look at life as a practical, self-improvement project with which to find meaning through your day-to-day actions. things like working on your health, finances, career, "home improvement", skills, hobbies, etc.. all fall into this. at the end of their day, these people think to themselves "what have i accomplished?"
the problem i have with this is the fact that self-improvement, in my mind, feels superficial and 'spiritually' impoverished. if i budget correctly and get that promotion and lose 10 lbs and feng shui my apartment, how does any of this sum up to a meaningful life in the end? consumerism is the most blatant form of superficial garbage this entails, but almost any self-improvement project, even the less conscious ones, like personality, feel superficial, not meaningful/real. self-improvement means ego, and the ego is just as bottomless and temporarily satisfying as materialism. :/
some people look at life as a purely intellectual/philosophical environment with which to find meaning through your mind. it matters not what happens in life, so much as the meaning your mind extracts from it. in this sense, you could have practically any life imaginable and it has little effect on what you get out of it. at the end of their day, these people think to themselves "what do i think? what does this mean?"
this might sound desireable, but applied in reality, it leaves your life a mess, and you just end up feeling directionless, if not flat out nihilistic. it drives one insane and/or lonely to constantly live inside their head, while most people are in a different planet, caught up in the throes of their lifestyles and endless pursuit for improvement and accomplishment.
because of the inevitable dissatisfaction with either of these ways of living, i tend to find myself trying to find balance, but all it does is lead to depression, because doing so keeps my life confused and inconsistent, voiding the possible positive aspects of either one. sometimes i just want to give up.. my standards of life being too high to cope with reality, with no way of changing how i feel.
thoreau's quiet desperation so accurately describes my emotions about life, and is quoted by so many people to the point of becoming cliche, but you wonder to yourself how others cope with this private feeling and turn around and keep living their mostly meaningless days... calling their insurance company, vaccuuming, doing errands, keeping up with the news, going to the bar, having intellectual discussions, and so on. is the trick really the more you fill your life with the very things that feel unsatisfying to you (spiritually), the more it drowns out the possibility of thinking about it? or am i simply the only one who doesn't feel satisfied?
i can hear people reply that some do those things because they have to. it may not be satisfying, but it has to be done. i don't really buy that. whether i've lived with my parents, homeless in my car, or supporting myself 'well' in a comfortable apartment, i feel no different. whether i'm socially active or functionally anti-social, i feel no different. nothing compels me into indifference or complacency.
the feeling nags and nags and nags me... all the time... always...