(no subject)
Life has been rather uneventful really. Since my birthday not much as happened, except i got my heart broken while trying to substitute a guy for a hole in my heart. I tried really hard to make this guy like me because i was like so lonely, but he liked someone else, not at first, he liked me, but i guess i made my self to avalible and i've been told guys don't want girls they do they can have without an kind of challenge.
Crickett joined the Army like an igno, and we kept up with eachother until he got out of the physical part of boot camp and went to Virginia for mental training or whateverm abd he lost most of his shit, including my address, i asked his dad about it, i've got to give his daddie my addie so Crick can write to me, nd vise versa.
Brandon's son Luke has been one of the highlights of my life. He's a year and some months, and his mama is a complete bitch, and that's saying alot for me to be saying that because she's my cousin and i dont usually bad mouth my family. He is just so cute, and it warms my heart when i can make him smile or laugh. and he has just recently began to let me hold him. Makes me kinda yearn for a baby, but we all know i'll never have any of those, lol. i would be a horrible mother. Plus with my low self esteem getting all fat and stretch marked would prolly send me into acute depression, lol
My parents are going to let me start dating. I was supposed to be able to do that after i turned 16, and that was in August, but now they are finally gonna let me. problem is i dont have a boyfriend. fabulous timing parentals.
I've finally learned why there is not affection between me and my mom. It broke my heart when she told me. It's all my fault. and my dads the bastard. When i was two i used to be extremely affectionate, i would kiss my mama all over her face and tell her how much i loved and missed her when she came in from work. And one day my dad dsidn't come home. i asked her where he was and she called his mama, who told her she didn't know where he was until my mom finally told her it was me that wanted to know. Grams told my mom he had went to Philladelphia. so she called him and asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. And i asked my mama 'When's daddy coming home, mama?' and she told 'daddy's not coming home baby'. I called her a liar, told her i hated her, that she wasn't my mommie any more, told her never to touch me. I never kissed her all over her face again, i pulled away when she hugged me. So she stopped, she didnt push me, b/c it hurt her for me to pull away. then my dad did come back, and i figured my mom had lied to me, and it got worse. I don't remember any of this, but apparantly, subconsciencely, i remembered it. It's my fault i dont hug my mom, my fault because i blamed her for something she had no control over. i hate my father so much for that. I've lost 14 years with my mom, years i'll never get back. Sh'e thinks i hate her, hate her because of my dad. But i'm gonna change all of this. I'm gonna be more affectionate, my dad is not going to ruin my life anymore.
Amber
Crickett joined the Army like an igno, and we kept up with eachother until he got out of the physical part of boot camp and went to Virginia for mental training or whateverm abd he lost most of his shit, including my address, i asked his dad about it, i've got to give his daddie my addie so Crick can write to me, nd vise versa.
Brandon's son Luke has been one of the highlights of my life. He's a year and some months, and his mama is a complete bitch, and that's saying alot for me to be saying that because she's my cousin and i dont usually bad mouth my family. He is just so cute, and it warms my heart when i can make him smile or laugh. and he has just recently began to let me hold him. Makes me kinda yearn for a baby, but we all know i'll never have any of those, lol. i would be a horrible mother. Plus with my low self esteem getting all fat and stretch marked would prolly send me into acute depression, lol
My parents are going to let me start dating. I was supposed to be able to do that after i turned 16, and that was in August, but now they are finally gonna let me. problem is i dont have a boyfriend. fabulous timing parentals.
I've finally learned why there is not affection between me and my mom. It broke my heart when she told me. It's all my fault. and my dads the bastard. When i was two i used to be extremely affectionate, i would kiss my mama all over her face and tell her how much i loved and missed her when she came in from work. And one day my dad dsidn't come home. i asked her where he was and she called his mama, who told her she didn't know where he was until my mom finally told her it was me that wanted to know. Grams told my mom he had went to Philladelphia. so she called him and asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. And i asked my mama 'When's daddy coming home, mama?' and she told 'daddy's not coming home baby'. I called her a liar, told her i hated her, that she wasn't my mommie any more, told her never to touch me. I never kissed her all over her face again, i pulled away when she hugged me. So she stopped, she didnt push me, b/c it hurt her for me to pull away. then my dad did come back, and i figured my mom had lied to me, and it got worse. I don't remember any of this, but apparantly, subconsciencely, i remembered it. It's my fault i dont hug my mom, my fault because i blamed her for something she had no control over. i hate my father so much for that. I've lost 14 years with my mom, years i'll never get back. Sh'e thinks i hate her, hate her because of my dad. But i'm gonna change all of this. I'm gonna be more affectionate, my dad is not going to ruin my life anymore.
Amber