Empting Out Everything Inside
How is it that you can get so attached to someone with out even trying? I just don't understand why our emotions have to play such cruel games on us. You love someone sure but to have the feeling that you would do anything for them...I just don't see how people get that way.
People say that there is a "true" love out there for everything. Sure, why not. Why would you be spending every day going through this life, if there wasn't someone out there that could make you feel exactly how you have been wanting to feel. What happens when you feel you have "found" that person? I just don't see how I can feel that I have found that person. I mean who can really tell if they have or not. Is there anyways that you can tell?
Perhaps, time is the only way to tell. Time is never, unfortunately, been on my side. I find someone that I could love forever and he's in the army. I don't get to see him but at least I do get to talk to him. It's hard not being able to be with the person that you would do anything to just be in their arms. Just to feel their touch or just to hear their heart beating. I mean it's the little things that make it so hard. Sure, talking is fine but it's just that...talking. You get to hear them and it just makes you feel like nothing could be wrong in the world. It's the feeling you get when you know that they love you. That is what makes it conceivable.
There are times when things get tough. So far it hasn't reached that point and I'm dreading the day when it does. I don't want to be faced with the possiblity of loosing this. I don't want to have to think and re-think all of my feelings inside. However, that is not reality. Reality tells me that at one point something will happen and it will either make or break this. I just have to be ready for it and be able to handle the situation without being rash.
For to long have I been unable to trust anyone. I've been so afraid of letting people in because, sorry to say, people can't be trusted. There are very few people that I would ever tell what I feel deep down inside. To be able to trust someone with your all is something I'm not very good at. Growing up has been rather difficult with that in mind. I've seen how people can rip someone apart and leave them for dead. I didn't want to become like that. I guess you could say I've been afraid of ever allowing someone the power to do that to me. I have. I have opened myself up to be hurt. I have opened myself to love and trust a few kind souls. One in particular I have given the power to hurt me. No I don't think he will do it intentionally. However, as of right now it wouldn't be him doing the hurting. I would hurt myself worse then he could. I would beat myself up about this and it would take a long time to open back up. I have only allowed one other person inside. HE betrayed me and tore me open.
This HE was someone that I should have never trusted in the first place. Hein sight tells me that I shouldn't have trust him and I should have ran in the opposite direction as fast as I could. However, this HE taught me so much about myself and about how people are. HE was the one person that I believe could have showed me what it was like to hurt. Yes, it sounds horrible to that one person could teach me how to "hurt" but everyone needs to be hurt once in a while. It's what happens and I experienced it first hand. It took about 8 months to finally get over HIM. I finally did it. I can offically say that I don't ever think about HIM when ever I'm with someone. I don't get the feeling that this person is going to hurt me as bad as HE did. I can finally trust because of this. I don't want to say "thanks" to HIM but he deserves a little credit for doing this. I mean it does take an awfully twisted person to do that to someone.
I guess I feel like I've been rambling on and on but it's just how I feel. I feel that I couldn't stop loving the people I love no matter what happens. I will forgive all of the pain and lies people have told me. I will never, however, forget it. I will keep an open mind and be willing to expericence new things without feeling the need to get a "second" opinion. I'm going to be my own person and I'm not going to allow anyone to interfer with that. I am who I am and that's the best I can be.