Necessary evils.
This is my journal so I am going to write about what I would like to write about, since no one seems to want to listen to me talk about it in person.
Two Mondays ago, I found out I was pregnant. An overwhelming sense of fear came over me-- my initial thought was to not tell anyone I know except Susie, and only tell Susie because I thought she would help me pay for it. Come to find out she doesn't have the money, so I told Kristopher first and he took it so much better than I could've asked for, and the same goes for my mom. So I was sort of happy, I had the support of my mom, Susie, and Kristopher, and they were all I needed. But I dreaded what came next, I knew I was much too young to have a baby and if I had it, it would essentially be my parents raising it. I also knew neither Susie or my mom would let me give it up for adoption, they would just adopt it themselves, leaving me with the same situation as before.
So I called and made my appointment for 10:00am on Friday, September 21st, 2007.
I drove to Susie's at 8:20 and we left for the road around 8:45. Got there fifteen minutes early, only to be greeted by a charming man in a hat waving a wooden cross and holding a sign reading "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart." He tried to sweet talk us into getting us to strike a conversation but Susie kindly told him to shut the fuck up.
I walked into the waiting room and was overwhelmed by the amount of girls there. I think I later found out that there were 17 girls scheduled to get one done that morning.
So I sit, fill out paper work, turn them in, and wait. They call me up an hour and a half later, to pay.. $525. I chose to pay $100 extra for the IV Sedation, which doesn't actually put you to sleep, but it calms you down. Sort of like an anxiety medicine.
I wait another half an hour and I am finally called back to have my sonogram and find out how far along I am.
After an awkward encounter she says "Seven weeks, four days," and leaves the room. I look at the screen and see it, and cry, and tell myself not to be stupid, and get dressed.
I go back out to see Susie is nowhere to be found. I sit by myself for another 20 or so minutes until I am called back in for counseling.
Basically every girl is given a counseling session beforehand to make sure that they want to do it, and then there is more paperwork to fill out. It is a bullshit counseling session with a young girl who is nice but obviously reading off of a memorized script in her mind. She does not care so I do not ask any questions or express concerns.
I then fill out my 'final consent' form, and am brought back to a room with a blanket and a woman who is very rushed and uninterested in hearing anything other than what is necessary. I ask her when the doctor will be in (since I had heard a rumor he wasn't even in yet) and she responded with "When he gets here."
The first counseling girl then examined my arms and told me that I have no veins to put the IV in, so they use the side of my hand, which was very strange. The non-nonsense woman starts telling me things I cannot do for two weeks afterward and insisting I look at her while she is talking, and I wonder why until I feel a needle going into my hand. It hurt and I didn't like it. I asked why she was doing it and she said it was for the IV later, and taped it to my hand, and out into the waiting room I went.
30 more minutes until they finally called me back. I sit in a grey chair, and two other girls come in the next few minutes and sit next to me. For some reason, they are called ahead of me. For another hour I watch girl after girl come out of the examination rooms looking in pain/exhausted/upset, and eventually it got to me so bad that I had to stand up and pace around and cry. I thought I was going to have a panic attack right there in front of everyone.
A nice blonde woman came over and said, "Are you Margaret?" and asked me if I was crying because I was nervous. I told her I was just very anxious and wanted to get it over with. She told me it was my turn so I followed her.
I got undressed and sat in a chair. She came back in with an asian man and I found out he was my doctor. She told me to lay down and I did and she held my hand and asked me things like what I was going to eat when I got out of there. I told her I didn't know or care. She kept trying to make small talk with me and I did not know why until I felt something being pushed through my vein with an immense force and I realized they had hooked the IV up. It was so fucking painful I literally said, "Fuck?!"
Then she started complimenting my ring, and asking me if I felt any better. I said no but I was lying, I felt much more calm. And then I felt the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life near my stomach. He said he was "numbing" me but it sure didn't fucking feel like it. Then I heard a machine start, and I felt a weird sort of pressure for about one and a half minutes, and then the machine stopped. I said, "That's it?" and she said "That's it."
I felt so overwhelmed. I started to cry just laying there. I wanted to express every single feeling I was feeling, and sat up too quickly. I saw the jar of what was in me and felt my heart break. I cried more than I ever wanted to in front of strangers. She rubbed my back and I tried talking to her but I guess she had to hurry me out because there were four more girls after me, so she walked me to the recovery room, gave me a blanket and some ginger ale and left.
I sat in a chair feeling woozy and weird and sad for about thirty minutes until I felt so nauseous I couldn't stand it. I stood up to go to the bathroom and the no-nonsense woman told me to sit down. I said "I have to throw up" and she gave me a bag, so I threw up in a room full of people. I asked if it was normal because I was the only girl to have done it and she said it was fairly common, especially since I had sedation.
30 more minutes and my hour of rest was up. She took my blood pressure and she said it was much too high to give me a prescription to go on birth control, and also too high to give me my meds that all the other girls got. So I have to "take it easy" for the next week.
Then they sent me on my way.
Susie got me a milkshake on the way home to settle my stomach and I just laid my seat back and thought.
It was the longest and most horrible day of my life thus far.
Now I am filled with all sorts of sadness and regrets but there is nothing I can do about it, no there is nothing.
Two Mondays ago, I found out I was pregnant. An overwhelming sense of fear came over me-- my initial thought was to not tell anyone I know except Susie, and only tell Susie because I thought she would help me pay for it. Come to find out she doesn't have the money, so I told Kristopher first and he took it so much better than I could've asked for, and the same goes for my mom. So I was sort of happy, I had the support of my mom, Susie, and Kristopher, and they were all I needed. But I dreaded what came next, I knew I was much too young to have a baby and if I had it, it would essentially be my parents raising it. I also knew neither Susie or my mom would let me give it up for adoption, they would just adopt it themselves, leaving me with the same situation as before.
So I called and made my appointment for 10:00am on Friday, September 21st, 2007.
I drove to Susie's at 8:20 and we left for the road around 8:45. Got there fifteen minutes early, only to be greeted by a charming man in a hat waving a wooden cross and holding a sign reading "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart." He tried to sweet talk us into getting us to strike a conversation but Susie kindly told him to shut the fuck up.
I walked into the waiting room and was overwhelmed by the amount of girls there. I think I later found out that there were 17 girls scheduled to get one done that morning.
So I sit, fill out paper work, turn them in, and wait. They call me up an hour and a half later, to pay.. $525. I chose to pay $100 extra for the IV Sedation, which doesn't actually put you to sleep, but it calms you down. Sort of like an anxiety medicine.
I wait another half an hour and I am finally called back to have my sonogram and find out how far along I am.
After an awkward encounter she says "Seven weeks, four days," and leaves the room. I look at the screen and see it, and cry, and tell myself not to be stupid, and get dressed.
I go back out to see Susie is nowhere to be found. I sit by myself for another 20 or so minutes until I am called back in for counseling.
Basically every girl is given a counseling session beforehand to make sure that they want to do it, and then there is more paperwork to fill out. It is a bullshit counseling session with a young girl who is nice but obviously reading off of a memorized script in her mind. She does not care so I do not ask any questions or express concerns.
I then fill out my 'final consent' form, and am brought back to a room with a blanket and a woman who is very rushed and uninterested in hearing anything other than what is necessary. I ask her when the doctor will be in (since I had heard a rumor he wasn't even in yet) and she responded with "When he gets here."
The first counseling girl then examined my arms and told me that I have no veins to put the IV in, so they use the side of my hand, which was very strange. The non-nonsense woman starts telling me things I cannot do for two weeks afterward and insisting I look at her while she is talking, and I wonder why until I feel a needle going into my hand. It hurt and I didn't like it. I asked why she was doing it and she said it was for the IV later, and taped it to my hand, and out into the waiting room I went.
30 more minutes until they finally called me back. I sit in a grey chair, and two other girls come in the next few minutes and sit next to me. For some reason, they are called ahead of me. For another hour I watch girl after girl come out of the examination rooms looking in pain/exhausted/upset, and eventually it got to me so bad that I had to stand up and pace around and cry. I thought I was going to have a panic attack right there in front of everyone.
A nice blonde woman came over and said, "Are you Margaret?" and asked me if I was crying because I was nervous. I told her I was just very anxious and wanted to get it over with. She told me it was my turn so I followed her.
I got undressed and sat in a chair. She came back in with an asian man and I found out he was my doctor. She told me to lay down and I did and she held my hand and asked me things like what I was going to eat when I got out of there. I told her I didn't know or care. She kept trying to make small talk with me and I did not know why until I felt something being pushed through my vein with an immense force and I realized they had hooked the IV up. It was so fucking painful I literally said, "Fuck?!"
Then she started complimenting my ring, and asking me if I felt any better. I said no but I was lying, I felt much more calm. And then I felt the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life near my stomach. He said he was "numbing" me but it sure didn't fucking feel like it. Then I heard a machine start, and I felt a weird sort of pressure for about one and a half minutes, and then the machine stopped. I said, "That's it?" and she said "That's it."
I felt so overwhelmed. I started to cry just laying there. I wanted to express every single feeling I was feeling, and sat up too quickly. I saw the jar of what was in me and felt my heart break. I cried more than I ever wanted to in front of strangers. She rubbed my back and I tried talking to her but I guess she had to hurry me out because there were four more girls after me, so she walked me to the recovery room, gave me a blanket and some ginger ale and left.
I sat in a chair feeling woozy and weird and sad for about thirty minutes until I felt so nauseous I couldn't stand it. I stood up to go to the bathroom and the no-nonsense woman told me to sit down. I said "I have to throw up" and she gave me a bag, so I threw up in a room full of people. I asked if it was normal because I was the only girl to have done it and she said it was fairly common, especially since I had sedation.
30 more minutes and my hour of rest was up. She took my blood pressure and she said it was much too high to give me a prescription to go on birth control, and also too high to give me my meds that all the other girls got. So I have to "take it easy" for the next week.
Then they sent me on my way.
Susie got me a milkshake on the way home to settle my stomach and I just laid my seat back and thought.
It was the longest and most horrible day of my life thus far.
Now I am filled with all sorts of sadness and regrets but there is nothing I can do about it, no there is nothing.