Nightmares
I have nightmares almost every single night and I mean the type that are so vivid and sometimes disturbing that I wake up and I feel sad most of the day because the image haunts me. I've been having a few weird ones lately that have been a little more clear then usual so it's not hard to figure out where they came from. However, in my real life I have my own nightmares to deal with. Like the fact that my level of paranoia is beginning to scare even me. I find myself completely unable to trust anyone and I make up all these crazy scenarios in my head to freak out over but not a single one of them is real. All my scenarios do is cause me to go crazy with fear and stress. I find myself accusing my boyfriend in my head all the time about stuff that I have no facts to base them on. The worst part is I'm scared of what it might drive me to do or say. My doctor thinks it stems from my depression and high anxiety problems so he wants to put me on more meds but I get so depressed over the idea of taking so many pills in the first place. I know I need them and I know they make me better but my boyfriend and his friend like to give me so much crap for them. They kept telling me to man up and I was like fine alright I'll stop taking my pills. I guess I didn't need those silly ol' birth control pills anyways. That got my point across. To people without depression it seems so silly and made up to be sad about absolutely nothing and for no reason. It happens though. I will start to imagine all the horrible ways I could kill myself so I would never have to deal with being who I am ever again. I just wish my paranoia wasn't so controlling of my life. I wish I could be normal.