(no subject)
today was my first day of a Writing on Social Issues seminar. it appears that right now is not the best time in my life to be taking this course. i should be championing my instructor for committing her time and career to being a successful journalist, teaching students, etc. instead, i asked (paraphrased) ... so i know you really feel passionate about this writing stuff, but (cynically) are you really making an impact?
i probably wouldn't be fretting about asking such a blunt and negative question if the response had been some fist shaking and righteous explanation about the historical impact of journalism, or that if one person read it and changed their action it's worth it etc etc etc.
instead, the answer i got was "that's a really good question, hard to say." everything goes quiet.
so i respond, "well i guess it's valuable because you are using it to teach us stuff." talk about devaluing her work, it's horrifying to think that I somehow wanted to bring her down to my level of social issue exhaustion instead of propping her up as person who has the energy to continue on. that sounds sort of pompous, i'm sure she has forgotten this interaction by now, but i'm still thinking about the feelings behind those words ...
i came to med school with all these ideas and excitement about social change and fighting the system only to find myself overwhelmed, distracted and jealous of those who find passion and stimulation outside of school. it adds up to guilt ... a memory of my former life with volunteering, passions, direction which I can't seem recreate here in Chicago. i crave something new, but so much of my identity was tied into outside organizations and people which ended up sucking me dry that i don't know which way to proceed and hardly have the time to enjoy the discovery.
until i figure something out, i hope i didn't set the stage for disaster with my social issues instructor today. (at least i'm writing something as she suggested :))
i probably wouldn't be fretting about asking such a blunt and negative question if the response had been some fist shaking and righteous explanation about the historical impact of journalism, or that if one person read it and changed their action it's worth it etc etc etc.
instead, the answer i got was "that's a really good question, hard to say." everything goes quiet.
so i respond, "well i guess it's valuable because you are using it to teach us stuff." talk about devaluing her work, it's horrifying to think that I somehow wanted to bring her down to my level of social issue exhaustion instead of propping her up as person who has the energy to continue on. that sounds sort of pompous, i'm sure she has forgotten this interaction by now, but i'm still thinking about the feelings behind those words ...
i came to med school with all these ideas and excitement about social change and fighting the system only to find myself overwhelmed, distracted and jealous of those who find passion and stimulation outside of school. it adds up to guilt ... a memory of my former life with volunteering, passions, direction which I can't seem recreate here in Chicago. i crave something new, but so much of my identity was tied into outside organizations and people which ended up sucking me dry that i don't know which way to proceed and hardly have the time to enjoy the discovery.
until i figure something out, i hope i didn't set the stage for disaster with my social issues instructor today. (at least i'm writing something as she suggested :))