Torn from the inside out...
I'm just so idk. I never figured that when Laura went out to Cali, that so much pain would come with it. Sure, the natural pain of missing her and wanting to be with her is common. I expected to hold my pillow every night, wishing that she was there with me, or dreaming about her or thinking about her during the day. I expected to look at her pictures a million times over and comment with her as much as I can. What I didn't expect is to be lied to, to have a lack of attention, and just feel like a dagger has slowly been twisted around in my heart to where my mind hits....unfortunately, starts to hit depression again. It's a scary feeling again, knowing that a small depression has crept it's way up my leg and start to eat away at me again...
I just can't get over the fact that she lied to me about another guy. Here I held her in such high regard, thinking she'd never lie to me, never hurt me like I've been hurt in the past. I felt I was safe, but it ended up happening, and worst of all with the topic of another guy. She lied to me when I didn't care what they had done, I just wanted to know if she was telling me the truth or not. It just brings up such bad memories, when all I'd hear was lies and all I wanted to do was take a dagger and silence those words. She lost trust with that lie, i don't even know how much. I just can't get over the fact and I still feel a little weird talking to her, cause I don't know if I can believe what comes from her now. It's hard when you can't trust fully the one that you love...
I feel like I have a lack of any attention. I understand that she can't call me 24/7, I accept that but, as I've seen the last day or two, she ended up going into a bathroom just to call me. She can't comprehend how much that means to me, honestly. It means the WORLD to me and I love that she actually did it for a change. But, the lack of attention is still there, for no comments back for me. I did see she had time to comment back to someone else so I don't know, maybe he is more important than I am. And, even if he's not, the action speaks louder than the words. If she had time to comment back to him, why not to me? Especially on the 7th....yea, 5 months with the girl that I love and I give her the chance to say it, comment it, or do something to show that "hey, I remember that we've spent 5 months together and I want to say I love you" but...yea, no statement at all. Not even sure if she remembered, besides the fact that I left a comment on both her profiles and love notes there too. So, yea, guess the attention and how much I matter really shows...
I still just don't know....I'm told not to worry about anything, told not to be hit so hard. But, when everything's crashing around you, when so much stress and sleepless nights and not being able to hold down food gets to you, you can't help it. I'm worried, I don't know why, but I am. And, if I tell her all of this, would she work on it or state that she will and never do? Would she give me the attention I seek when she comes back, squash all rumors, show me that I really am the only one for her? For I do everything in my power for her, give her what I can when she strives, feed her when she's hungry, hold her when she's cold or tired, dance with her when she's needy, love her when her heart aches, and protect her when she needs it most. I try to give so much and do so much, give her every ounce of my being, show her that I am a man worth loving, pleasure her and try to satisfy her in bed ( as little times as we get to make love), be there for her 24/7 (like when i stay up to 5 am waiting for her to call, but sometimes never get it), and show her that with me she'll never have to worry about anything for long. I don't know if I've shown that but god as my witness I will show it every day from now on....if she does it for me as well.
I love Laura, that I DO know. I love her with every breath I take, with every thought in my mind. I'm obsessed with the girl, she rules what world I have left. She is my everything and more, I sometimes don't feel I deserve such an amazing girl like her. She makes green skies blue and oceans sway, she's my angel in disguise. I love her with all my heart and soul.
Till the next writing,
Ryan
I just can't get over the fact that she lied to me about another guy. Here I held her in such high regard, thinking she'd never lie to me, never hurt me like I've been hurt in the past. I felt I was safe, but it ended up happening, and worst of all with the topic of another guy. She lied to me when I didn't care what they had done, I just wanted to know if she was telling me the truth or not. It just brings up such bad memories, when all I'd hear was lies and all I wanted to do was take a dagger and silence those words. She lost trust with that lie, i don't even know how much. I just can't get over the fact and I still feel a little weird talking to her, cause I don't know if I can believe what comes from her now. It's hard when you can't trust fully the one that you love...
I feel like I have a lack of any attention. I understand that she can't call me 24/7, I accept that but, as I've seen the last day or two, she ended up going into a bathroom just to call me. She can't comprehend how much that means to me, honestly. It means the WORLD to me and I love that she actually did it for a change. But, the lack of attention is still there, for no comments back for me. I did see she had time to comment back to someone else so I don't know, maybe he is more important than I am. And, even if he's not, the action speaks louder than the words. If she had time to comment back to him, why not to me? Especially on the 7th....yea, 5 months with the girl that I love and I give her the chance to say it, comment it, or do something to show that "hey, I remember that we've spent 5 months together and I want to say I love you" but...yea, no statement at all. Not even sure if she remembered, besides the fact that I left a comment on both her profiles and love notes there too. So, yea, guess the attention and how much I matter really shows...
I still just don't know....I'm told not to worry about anything, told not to be hit so hard. But, when everything's crashing around you, when so much stress and sleepless nights and not being able to hold down food gets to you, you can't help it. I'm worried, I don't know why, but I am. And, if I tell her all of this, would she work on it or state that she will and never do? Would she give me the attention I seek when she comes back, squash all rumors, show me that I really am the only one for her? For I do everything in my power for her, give her what I can when she strives, feed her when she's hungry, hold her when she's cold or tired, dance with her when she's needy, love her when her heart aches, and protect her when she needs it most. I try to give so much and do so much, give her every ounce of my being, show her that I am a man worth loving, pleasure her and try to satisfy her in bed ( as little times as we get to make love), be there for her 24/7 (like when i stay up to 5 am waiting for her to call, but sometimes never get it), and show her that with me she'll never have to worry about anything for long. I don't know if I've shown that but god as my witness I will show it every day from now on....if she does it for me as well.
I love Laura, that I DO know. I love her with every breath I take, with every thought in my mind. I'm obsessed with the girl, she rules what world I have left. She is my everything and more, I sometimes don't feel I deserve such an amazing girl like her. She makes green skies blue and oceans sway, she's my angel in disguise. I love her with all my heart and soul.
Till the next writing,
Ryan