So now that I am sober.... oh. And I wouldn't have said anything if you didn't come up to me.
Things I will re-iterate.
-(I think I said this to you) When I didn't want to talk to you guys that first time (and the time that I handled everything the wrong way), I didn't want you guys to break up. I didn't say that you couldn't be together after I made the initial decision to give you the go ahead. I made the initial decision while I was confused and I thought to myself, "I will just deal with my own feelings later when I figure them out. No need for them to wait for my say, it's not fair to them." Then I realize how I felt about it and I was like.... well.... I will just seperate from the situation. Which I did badly.
-TO RAYNER: IT HAPPENED YOU FUCKING BITCH, ADMIT IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAT THERE AND LOOKED AT ME AND WHEN I ASKED YOU IF IT HAPPENED YOU SAID NO. What the fuck? I came over because you were sick.... how would I have known that you were sick if I wasn't talking to you that night huh? How many holes can I point out in your story? because I can keep going.... and then I can talk about what happened thursday night. (don't worry Jasmine, I didn't make THAT mistake again.). Oh, and I have a conversation where you refer to it. :) Rayner..... whatcha gonna do now.
-*screams*JASMINE, I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! I was SO happy to hear you say that back.... because I didn't think you cared or anything..... but to hear that..... that opened up everything I was blocking... everything I was pushing away with you, because like I said, I didn't think you cared. When it all comes down to it... I just want you to hate me for the right reason... I want you to hate me for sleeping with your current gf, not hate me for lying about everything that DID happen. Because it did. And from what I remember of our friendship, I was an honest person. And (I know I said this to you) I put our friendship on the line to tell you everything that happened... and I remember you telling me that it didn't matter, which I said ok. And I will say ok again.
Okay.
-Rayner on the other hand.................................*meh*
-Do I regret it?
AbsoFUCKINGlutely.
Will I ever touch, think, or look at Rayner that way again?
No. Because um..... I'm very very over it. I am making it a rule to try to not date sketchy people who love controversy (I am not looking into a thesaurus. I am taking this from you. YOU told me that you love controversy... when you pitted me against my ex boyfriend the first year we were friends... remember? and you said you did that to everyone, apparently that didn't stop you, because look where we are now, except you are fairing out a little better. you've gotten better at being a con artist.)
And I feel nothing when I think of you, and for the first time in a long time I feel genuinely happy, and last night was awesome up until that point. Actually, the turning point of the night was when my friend got arrested for public intoxication and when they wouldn't let Sarah into the Dome because they didnt like her ID, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut that's just the fine print.
Anything else you wantme to re-iterate on? because I will. Ask me anything. I have been truthful up to this point (confused, but truthful nonetheless). I have been truthful about the feelings at the time, because I wanted to be.
Oh and Rayner, stop pulling this self-righteous shit. You are lying to her face, and if you REALLY loved her, you would have told her the truth from the get go and let her have that desicion to make up her mind about the relationship instead of making me out to be the worse person by saying that. and what reasons did you give her for me telling her all of this....because I wanted to hurt you? First of all, you never really factored into my desicion. because it all didnt matter at that point. I was the bigger person and fessed up.
Or did you tell her that I wanted to hurt her to get back at her... I dont fight fire with fire. I dont sink that low. Believe it or not Rayner, I do have some good parts to me... actually, I think I am mostly made up of good parts. Just because they are not directed at you (which you will never deserve), doesnt mean they dont exist.
Just because I didnt go along with your plan and not tell her even though you yelled at me for... close to half of an hour ?...yeah it was about that. Yeah, you yelled at me and followed me around the Ocean Tower Parking lot for a long time trying to convince me not to tell her because I had no right.... I WAS THE OTHER FUCKING HALF OF WHAT HAPPENED. Fuck you that i didn't have any fucking right... oh and the fact that she was one of my best friends, and after what I did I owed her that much.... so trying to tell me that i had no business telling her anything and to leave it all up to you (which I knew you wouldn't tell her the truth.... evidence came when jasmine said that all that she was told was that I tried to kiss you and you yelled at me.... HAHAHAHAH some funny...)... wasn't going to work. My friend Amanda made a very good point: that I had to tell Jasmine andit shouldn't matter what you thought.
So in short: Jasmine I miss you, and I will always be here when you want me. I understand that you are in love and I'm not trying to break you two up, I just think that I should be represented properly, because up to this point, I havent been, because we (me and Jasmine...JUST me and jasmine) never really got a chance to talk. not without some redheaded mediator twisting everything I say.
Rayner....... if there were words I could use to describe exactly how I felt about you and everything you've pulled...... they would be here... but this is waht I have: *claps* your acting skills are amazing... you really should look into acting, because the way you said that it didn't happen... is impressive... i hope that night haunts your fucking dreams, because you deserve nothing more. You actually dont deserve someone as good as Jasmine, but whatever. And you didnt deserve me, because you just ruin everything pretty that you get.... warp it until it is no longer recognizable, even to themselves. They may feel beautiful, but when the glamour is gone, there is nothing left but a shadow of themselves. and they can't see it...
"I hate you now so go away from me. You're gone, so long. I can do better I can do better. Hey, I found myself again that's why, you're gone, I can do better I can do better."
But anyways.... I think that I have vented enough now....
time to go talk about the rest of the night.............which was awesome...
jasmine, I'm sorry.... and you may not want to hear it but I love you, and ......I am truly sorry that you had to get dragged into this.
CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMC
*edit: puts in question marks*
-(I think I said this to you) When I didn't want to talk to you guys that first time (and the time that I handled everything the wrong way), I didn't want you guys to break up. I didn't say that you couldn't be together after I made the initial decision to give you the go ahead. I made the initial decision while I was confused and I thought to myself, "I will just deal with my own feelings later when I figure them out. No need for them to wait for my say, it's not fair to them." Then I realize how I felt about it and I was like.... well.... I will just seperate from the situation. Which I did badly.
-TO RAYNER: IT HAPPENED YOU FUCKING BITCH, ADMIT IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAT THERE AND LOOKED AT ME AND WHEN I ASKED YOU IF IT HAPPENED YOU SAID NO. What the fuck? I came over because you were sick.... how would I have known that you were sick if I wasn't talking to you that night huh? How many holes can I point out in your story? because I can keep going.... and then I can talk about what happened thursday night. (don't worry Jasmine, I didn't make THAT mistake again.). Oh, and I have a conversation where you refer to it. :) Rayner..... whatcha gonna do now.
-*screams*JASMINE, I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! I was SO happy to hear you say that back.... because I didn't think you cared or anything..... but to hear that..... that opened up everything I was blocking... everything I was pushing away with you, because like I said, I didn't think you cared. When it all comes down to it... I just want you to hate me for the right reason... I want you to hate me for sleeping with your current gf, not hate me for lying about everything that DID happen. Because it did. And from what I remember of our friendship, I was an honest person. And (I know I said this to you) I put our friendship on the line to tell you everything that happened... and I remember you telling me that it didn't matter, which I said ok. And I will say ok again.
Okay.
-Rayner on the other hand.................................*meh*
-Do I regret it?
AbsoFUCKINGlutely.
Will I ever touch, think, or look at Rayner that way again?
No. Because um..... I'm very very over it. I am making it a rule to try to not date sketchy people who love controversy (I am not looking into a thesaurus. I am taking this from you. YOU told me that you love controversy... when you pitted me against my ex boyfriend the first year we were friends... remember? and you said you did that to everyone, apparently that didn't stop you, because look where we are now, except you are fairing out a little better. you've gotten better at being a con artist.)
And I feel nothing when I think of you, and for the first time in a long time I feel genuinely happy, and last night was awesome up until that point. Actually, the turning point of the night was when my friend got arrested for public intoxication and when they wouldn't let Sarah into the Dome because they didnt like her ID, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut that's just the fine print.
Anything else you wantme to re-iterate on? because I will. Ask me anything. I have been truthful up to this point (confused, but truthful nonetheless). I have been truthful about the feelings at the time, because I wanted to be.
Oh and Rayner, stop pulling this self-righteous shit. You are lying to her face, and if you REALLY loved her, you would have told her the truth from the get go and let her have that desicion to make up her mind about the relationship instead of making me out to be the worse person by saying that. and what reasons did you give her for me telling her all of this....because I wanted to hurt you? First of all, you never really factored into my desicion. because it all didnt matter at that point. I was the bigger person and fessed up.
Or did you tell her that I wanted to hurt her to get back at her... I dont fight fire with fire. I dont sink that low. Believe it or not Rayner, I do have some good parts to me... actually, I think I am mostly made up of good parts. Just because they are not directed at you (which you will never deserve), doesnt mean they dont exist.
Just because I didnt go along with your plan and not tell her even though you yelled at me for... close to half of an hour ?...yeah it was about that. Yeah, you yelled at me and followed me around the Ocean Tower Parking lot for a long time trying to convince me not to tell her because I had no right.... I WAS THE OTHER FUCKING HALF OF WHAT HAPPENED. Fuck you that i didn't have any fucking right... oh and the fact that she was one of my best friends, and after what I did I owed her that much.... so trying to tell me that i had no business telling her anything and to leave it all up to you (which I knew you wouldn't tell her the truth.... evidence came when jasmine said that all that she was told was that I tried to kiss you and you yelled at me.... HAHAHAHAH some funny...)... wasn't going to work. My friend Amanda made a very good point: that I had to tell Jasmine andit shouldn't matter what you thought.
So in short: Jasmine I miss you, and I will always be here when you want me. I understand that you are in love and I'm not trying to break you two up, I just think that I should be represented properly, because up to this point, I havent been, because we (me and Jasmine...JUST me and jasmine) never really got a chance to talk. not without some redheaded mediator twisting everything I say.
Rayner....... if there were words I could use to describe exactly how I felt about you and everything you've pulled...... they would be here... but this is waht I have: *claps* your acting skills are amazing... you really should look into acting, because the way you said that it didn't happen... is impressive... i hope that night haunts your fucking dreams, because you deserve nothing more. You actually dont deserve someone as good as Jasmine, but whatever. And you didnt deserve me, because you just ruin everything pretty that you get.... warp it until it is no longer recognizable, even to themselves. They may feel beautiful, but when the glamour is gone, there is nothing left but a shadow of themselves. and they can't see it...
"I hate you now so go away from me. You're gone, so long. I can do better I can do better. Hey, I found myself again that's why, you're gone, I can do better I can do better."
But anyways.... I think that I have vented enough now....
time to go talk about the rest of the night.............which was awesome...
jasmine, I'm sorry.... and you may not want to hear it but I love you, and ......I am truly sorry that you had to get dragged into this.
CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMC
*edit: puts in question marks*