Making this public again
Just as I told Simone last night, "No" has always been just an obstacle to get around for me. It never means no, it just means..."not at this moment"
I've always burnt bridges, they've always gotten rebuilt, and when they don't, I convince myself I don't care.
It's not quite the same when you hear "no" for real, and the most influential people in your life walk away.
I watched myself throw my life away this year. I had my life revolve around my own self-centeredness and my stubborn goals for the impossible. I hid the pain away till it became too much, and when i broke, and couldn't pick myself up, i fucked around till someone else fixed me. I hurt people I never imagined I could, and I never once felt bad. But the last 2 days changed me. I saw for the first time, how empty my life would be, if I continued being what i had become. I never imagined losing them in the process,but i did it with my eyes open, and i only got everything i deserved. But hatred left me with the greatest lesson. And last night, became the best possible night ever. And these people are why.
Lindsay: I have become so close to her this year and I can't even imagine not having her as a friend anymore. So many times she's not judged me, and so many times we've done the stupidest things and had the greatest time. We've both grown so much this year, and I'm glad we could do it together. Linds: Thank You. You are amazing.
Mike: Always just my Dula. Someone I take for granted way more often than i should. Who else could put up with my drama, my tears,my boringness, and still be there to make me laugh? I owe you so much..I love you mikey
Taylor: I look at how jealous i have been of her this whole year and how much i let that feeling control our friendship. Last night I talked to her like i did last year, and it was so nice. She was one of the 2 girls that ever really knew anything about me last year, and i loved how tight we were. She listened last night, and i know that i can't hate her anymore. Tay: I Missed you. So so much. Thank you.
Jeremey: In 9 months he has taught me how to trust, smile, hurt,and learn. I never imagined that one person could turn my whole world upside downThere's so many things inside of him that i see inside myself, and this feels so wrong. Strangely, even throughout all our rough spots, i didn't think I would ever really lose him. No matter what i became he never left. I know that something still exists under the hatred, i know it, but i refused to learn from my mistakes, I held on so tight, and i deserve nothing more from him. all i have is gratitude, and the goodbye he wants. Jeremey: Thank you for all the pain, all the happiness, everything. You taught me how to feel again. I'm sorry.
Anisa: Anisa was the first girl this year i've cried with. I remember our first real conversation, my first introduction to the crazy girl i would come to love. Strange that it was in the laundry room, teaching some rich brat how to work the machines, after we both had spent the weekend in our bathrooms throwing up.We wern't rich and we wern't spectacular- and we both knew it. Thats why we were amazing She held me when i cried, she distracted me when i was sad, she was the one i called when i needed a knife gone. The day i found out she would be leaving, i cried alone. In 6 months she had became the closest girl to me. When she cried, i tried my best to make her feel safe, and te day she left, was one of the hardest days of the school year. We had been tense lately, I could not return the care she had given me. My selfishness and my lack of control over my emotions and words, made me lose, the most honest and amazing girl i have ever met. She taught me to look past racial lines, and to open myself up and be a goof. Our relationshoip is over. I love her enough to let her go and not bother her, to appreciate the lessons she's left me, but the pain is still there. Chica: I'm sorry. You deserved better than me, I took you for granted,and there is nothing i could do to fix the past
Stephanie: I've been so jealous of her lately, and so bitchy, I don't even know why she bothers to care. She has been there for me so many times, weekends, rides, spanish club dinners..damn i even have my own room. I love her brother as much as i love my own and see can always tell when my jokes arnt real, you always know when something is wrong. Steph: Thank You. And the only reason, i dislike phil, is because i'm afraid of him hurting you. I luv you.
My anger scares me because it is my father's. And I can never become him. I lost too much yesterday because of that. I MUST fix it.
I've always burnt bridges, they've always gotten rebuilt, and when they don't, I convince myself I don't care.
It's not quite the same when you hear "no" for real, and the most influential people in your life walk away.
I watched myself throw my life away this year. I had my life revolve around my own self-centeredness and my stubborn goals for the impossible. I hid the pain away till it became too much, and when i broke, and couldn't pick myself up, i fucked around till someone else fixed me. I hurt people I never imagined I could, and I never once felt bad. But the last 2 days changed me. I saw for the first time, how empty my life would be, if I continued being what i had become. I never imagined losing them in the process,but i did it with my eyes open, and i only got everything i deserved. But hatred left me with the greatest lesson. And last night, became the best possible night ever. And these people are why.
Lindsay: I have become so close to her this year and I can't even imagine not having her as a friend anymore. So many times she's not judged me, and so many times we've done the stupidest things and had the greatest time. We've both grown so much this year, and I'm glad we could do it together. Linds: Thank You. You are amazing.
Mike: Always just my Dula. Someone I take for granted way more often than i should. Who else could put up with my drama, my tears,my boringness, and still be there to make me laugh? I owe you so much..I love you mikey
Taylor: I look at how jealous i have been of her this whole year and how much i let that feeling control our friendship. Last night I talked to her like i did last year, and it was so nice. She was one of the 2 girls that ever really knew anything about me last year, and i loved how tight we were. She listened last night, and i know that i can't hate her anymore. Tay: I Missed you. So so much. Thank you.
Jeremey: In 9 months he has taught me how to trust, smile, hurt,and learn. I never imagined that one person could turn my whole world upside downThere's so many things inside of him that i see inside myself, and this feels so wrong. Strangely, even throughout all our rough spots, i didn't think I would ever really lose him. No matter what i became he never left. I know that something still exists under the hatred, i know it, but i refused to learn from my mistakes, I held on so tight, and i deserve nothing more from him. all i have is gratitude, and the goodbye he wants. Jeremey: Thank you for all the pain, all the happiness, everything. You taught me how to feel again. I'm sorry.
Anisa: Anisa was the first girl this year i've cried with. I remember our first real conversation, my first introduction to the crazy girl i would come to love. Strange that it was in the laundry room, teaching some rich brat how to work the machines, after we both had spent the weekend in our bathrooms throwing up.We wern't rich and we wern't spectacular- and we both knew it. Thats why we were amazing She held me when i cried, she distracted me when i was sad, she was the one i called when i needed a knife gone. The day i found out she would be leaving, i cried alone. In 6 months she had became the closest girl to me. When she cried, i tried my best to make her feel safe, and te day she left, was one of the hardest days of the school year. We had been tense lately, I could not return the care she had given me. My selfishness and my lack of control over my emotions and words, made me lose, the most honest and amazing girl i have ever met. She taught me to look past racial lines, and to open myself up and be a goof. Our relationshoip is over. I love her enough to let her go and not bother her, to appreciate the lessons she's left me, but the pain is still there. Chica: I'm sorry. You deserved better than me, I took you for granted,and there is nothing i could do to fix the past
Stephanie: I've been so jealous of her lately, and so bitchy, I don't even know why she bothers to care. She has been there for me so many times, weekends, rides, spanish club dinners..damn i even have my own room. I love her brother as much as i love my own and see can always tell when my jokes arnt real, you always know when something is wrong. Steph: Thank You. And the only reason, i dislike phil, is because i'm afraid of him hurting you. I luv you.
My anger scares me because it is my father's. And I can never become him. I lost too much yesterday because of that. I MUST fix it.