(no subject)
Well it's officially over. He's gone and I'm left here trying to pick up the pieces. He was such a jerk about it too. He still has some of my stuff but I'm thinking about just letting him keep it all. I can't think about going back over there, my heart breaks every time I do. I still love him... probably will always be in love with him. The thought of being with someone else right now sickens me and honestly, I've never felt that way. Usually it's hurry get rid of the evidence of a relationship and move onto the next guy. Hell, I did that with Juan and met Chris that way. But with Chris... I opened myself up not realizing what I was doing and even though I initiated the breakup, I was the one that got their heart stomped on. I just don't understand if he didn't want to be with me, why did he bother to take me out on a date a couple of weeks ago... was he toying with me? I'll never know. I told him I didn't want to see/talk to him anymore and it hurts like hell but I think I would be so messed up in my head if I stayed around that I couldn't exist anymore.
Sad part is I don't think he'll ever understand that I did this because i love him as much as I do. He probably just sees me as another person leaving but to be honest, I feel like he's the one who left me weeks ago. He said some really nasty things to me towards the end and I can't help but think that was his way of trying to push me away. And I let him because I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't 100% want me. Is that crazy? Idk. All I know is now I have no one. No one to go to Borders with. No one to cuddle up to at night when i'm cold or crave the feeling of a body next to me.
All I have left is me and although I've been single before, I haven't had to face that in 3 years. That's a really long time to a young woman, especially one who wanted desperately to marry the person she was with. Who felt safe just being in his arms, knowing they formed a protective bubble keeping all the bad things out. He's probably out fucking some Prada bitch right now... maybe he was even doing it while we were together...idk. I don't want to think he could do that but with the way he was treating me at the end, I just can't rule it out. I cared so much and I tried to make him see but I just don't think he ever got it. He even said to me that he wished Will had never introduced us... can you believe that? That may have been the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He knew just what to say to me to hurt me. And I should hate him for everything he is and everything he's done/said but... I just can't find myself feeling that way. I want to hate him with everything I have but right now I can't honestly say I would turn him away if he came back. I don't think I could trust him fully but to be his again... I can't explain it.
Sad part is I don't think he'll ever understand that I did this because i love him as much as I do. He probably just sees me as another person leaving but to be honest, I feel like he's the one who left me weeks ago. He said some really nasty things to me towards the end and I can't help but think that was his way of trying to push me away. And I let him because I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't 100% want me. Is that crazy? Idk. All I know is now I have no one. No one to go to Borders with. No one to cuddle up to at night when i'm cold or crave the feeling of a body next to me.
All I have left is me and although I've been single before, I haven't had to face that in 3 years. That's a really long time to a young woman, especially one who wanted desperately to marry the person she was with. Who felt safe just being in his arms, knowing they formed a protective bubble keeping all the bad things out. He's probably out fucking some Prada bitch right now... maybe he was even doing it while we were together...idk. I don't want to think he could do that but with the way he was treating me at the end, I just can't rule it out. I cared so much and I tried to make him see but I just don't think he ever got it. He even said to me that he wished Will had never introduced us... can you believe that? That may have been the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He knew just what to say to me to hurt me. And I should hate him for everything he is and everything he's done/said but... I just can't find myself feeling that way. I want to hate him with everything I have but right now I can't honestly say I would turn him away if he came back. I don't think I could trust him fully but to be his again... I can't explain it.