feeling so alo
So here I am, laying in my bed at 2:00 in the morning, all alone. As usual. My "fiancee" is out with his buddies or hanging out drinKing as usual. Seems pretty normal, only it's not every once in a while or anything like that, it's every chance he gets. I have not spent time with him, nor have my kids in what seems like forever. I have become the annoying girlfriend that you can't wait to get away from. I have no idea what moment in my life I let myself be treated this way, I'm beyond miserable and can't seem to find the strength to do anything about it. I have grown to hate him, hate him like I have never hated anyone so much in my entire life. I feel so damn helpless and stupid. so damn stupid. I am so depressed that I can't seem to get myself out of this funk. my friends, I have none. my family, well I just have my kids and they can't do anything. So here I lay, balling my eyes out wondering where I went wrong and what I did so bad in this life to deserve such bad karma. I don't believe life is meant to be lived this way, dealing with a genuinely mean and evil person in your life. He has seiously managed to kill me from the inside out, and I don't even know how. I have actually wondered if my kids would be better off without me in their life. wtf is wrong with me?!?!? I need help, I need something. I need a purpose and a reason to be in this life. I keep telling myself I am dealing with this so my kids have a father in their life, but who am I kidding. He's not a very good father and much less a good fiancee. I do everything, absolutely everything and I don't even get so much as a thank you from him. He won't even stay with the kids while I am WORKING, I have to pay someone to watch them for me or beg his mom to do it for me so that I can work to provide for him and our family, to keep a roof over our head and food on the table yet somehow in my messed up little head I have managed to make myself think that these are just the cards that I was dealt. That my only option in this is to just keep getting through it no matter how miserable I am. Only thing is that I just don't have the strength to do this anymore. I really just do not want to keep on living this life. I am terrified though, of what will become of me and my kids if I so much as dear step one foot outside this house. He has threatened to take my kids from me as he says I am an unfit mother. I can't even put into words the pain that I feel. I just dont know.
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