(no subject)
Reintegration: Chapter 1
Quatre was tired, so very tired. His whole body felt heavy and his consciousness rested on the very brink of a dark chasm. Sleep. He wanted it, needed it. He felt himself sinking into the murky depths, his thoughts coming ever more slowly. Sounds blurred around him as he let his exhaustion take over. Tug tug. His brow crinkled in irritation as an insistent stimuli wrestled with his sinking consciousness, bringing him closer to the surface. He would ignore it. Tug tug. Sounds came into sharp focus and he resignedly opened his eyes. Soulful brown eyes stared back into his own and he started, throwing the little girl off his chest and gasping in shock. Standing bolt upright he scanned the room for threats. Calmness crept back to him as he took in the familiarity of his surroundings: The old brown couch he was sitting on, the television in the corner, the window staring into the backyard and a clear autumn day… And a scared little girl. As the unexpected adrenaline rush wore off his hands shook and his chest heaved. He managed a shaky smile for his four year old foster sister.
“Are you okay, Jessie?” Jessie’s lower lip trembled, and she stuck her thumb in her mouth, speaking around it.
“ ‘m sorry, Carter.” She gulped a few times, silent tears running down her face and into her long, curly brown hair.
Quatre sighed and knelt down, picking her up. She wrapped her little arms around his neck and clung there for a while.
“Shh sweetie, don’t cry. You’re a brave girl, remember? You know better than to startle me like that. Don’t you remember what Mommy and Daddy said?”
“I f-forgot Carter. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad, Jessie. How could I stay mad at you?” And he threw the girl into the air a couple of times, always catching her before she hit the ground. Her soft hiccupping turned into squeals of laughter.
“Eeeeek! Carter! Carter stop!”
Obligingly, Quatre put her down and wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks.
“There’s that beautiful smile I love to see! Now what did you want before I got all grouchy?”
The little girl’s eyes lit up again and she raced over to the corner where she had put her glove and ball.
“Will you play catch with me?”
Quatre forced a smile. His exhaustion would have to wait.
“Sure.”
That night, Quatre excused himself from dinner early. He headed up the stairs to where he shared a room with his foster brother, Jadyn. Being Carter Sims was exhausting. He lay down on his bed, atop the covers and fully clothed. This was his thinking time. The late evening was the only time he had to himself. It was the only time when he could think about what had been, what he had lost. He had lost everything, really, right down to his name. After the war, there had been a huge political movement towards the rehabilitation of former soldiers. The five of them had made no efforts to conceal their roles in the war, preferring to meet the consequences of their actions head on, like honourable men. That’s how Wufei had said it, anyway.
The authorities hadn’t known what to do with them. There had been a huge outcry in the media about them for a while. Some had said they should be executed for war crimes. Others had said they were heroes. Most people, however, had agreed on one thing: that the soldier’s mindset required to be a gundam pilot was dangerous to the new peace-loving society. The gundam pilots were a threat to the safety of the public. And so there had been a few court appearances, many, many interviews with psychologists, and house arrest in the Preventers’ headquarters until such time as a decision could be made. The pilots hadn’t really minded this. They still had each other, and they all knew it would be a long time before their reflexes and war-time habits could be calmed. So they rested with each other for 4 months, strengthening bonds of friendship and love formed in the dire circumstances of the war. But on the 4th of April, AC 196, that all changed.
The first indication that there was anything wrong was a cryptic e-mail from Relena to Heero. At 9:10 am, the pilots gathered around Heero’s laptop, searching for hidden messages in the e-mail. There were none. Relena’s image came onscreen for all of 10 seconds, then vanished with only these words:
“I tried. I’m so sorry.” A tear ran down her cheek and her image disappeared.
A few minutes later, the pilots opened the door to a grim-faced Lady Une and two other people, a man and a woman. They gathered around the kitchen table and awaited the news. Both the woman and the man cleared their throats and glared at Lady Une, indicating that she should begin. Instead, Commander Une glared back just as fiercely, saying
“I refuse to inform them of this decision. I do not support it. You will have to tell them yourselves.”
The woman adjusted her spectacles, shifting uncomfortably and brushing her long blonde hair out of her face. She cleared her throat and the man beside her started the explanation.
“We have decided on a policy of total reintegration.”
He looked around impressively after he had said this, but only blank stares greeted her. A cold feeling settled in Quatre’s stomach.
“No disrespect or anything,” Duo said in a tone that belied his words, “but who are you and what does that mean?”
“My name is John Buckley and this is Ann Watkins, but you can call us John and Ann.”
Ann smiled and her eyes crinkled in the way that eyes do when a person has smiled a lot in life. This might have put them at ease, but there was an unspoken tension in her mouth, as though she knew she would be delivering unwelcome news. She spoke slowly and deliberately, as though carefully choosing her words.
“It has been decided that the only thing to do is to let you all start over again. This will mean new homes, new friends, and even new names.” Duo gasped here but remained silent, allowing her to continue her explanation.
“All of you will be placed into foster care with different families. Hopefully, you’ll learn what’s it’s like to be part of a real family. You won’t be expected to do this without help; you’ll all be provided with a therapist to help you adjust to not being soldiers anymore. Your therapist will be the only one who will know of your past. Your foster families will be told nothing of your participation in the war. They will only know that you fought as child soldiers.”
The pilots sat in shock.
“W-what if we don’t want this?” Quatre asked in a small voice. “What if we’ve already found a real family?” As he said this, Quatre looked around at his friends. His gaze finally came to rest on Trowa. He reached over and squeezed his lover’s hand. Trowa squeezed back.
The other pilots silently voiced their agreement with Quatre. Duo placed on arm around Heero who was sitting on his left, and Wufei who was on his right. The five of them drew each other closer, protectively.
John sighed, rubbing his temples.
“That’s the hard part. The court has decided that it would be best if the five of you were kept separate. Recovery is a long road, and you might hold each other back. You will be placed with families on different colonies.”
“What? No! You can’t do that! Look, we’re good at hiding. You wouldn’t have found us if we didn’t want to be found. We can easily melt into the shadows again. This is insane!” Duo-Boys don’t cry- Maxwell seemed to be on the edge of tears. He stood, appealing to his family, the boys, no, men beside him to stand with him. They all stood, but Wufei, voice resigned, broke in.
“We fought long and hard for this peace. We lost many of the people we cared about, and many people we didn’t even know. We were fighting for freedom, so that the people could choose their own government, free of tyrants and militant groups. We were fighting to stop the oppression of the people in the colonies. Now the oppression has stopped, and the people have chosen their government. We are not above the law. It would be an insult to all that we have achieved, and it would mean dishonor to all the people who died, if we did not abide by this government’s decisions.”
Heero nodded in agreement, and Quatre spoke up.
“We have made huge sacrifices so that a people’s government could make decisions. Now the people are asking for one more sacrifice, and we are honour-bound to give it.” He turned to Duo, and wiped away the tear that was trickling down his cheek.
“We will always be family. No matter where we are. It doesn’t matter. One day, we’ll find each other again.”
That last night had been the hardest. He and Trowa had made love until the early hours of the morning. Then they had gone down to the common room, where, to their surprise, the other three were already drinking coffee. Nobody said anything. There wasn’t anything to say.
Quatre had been with the Sims now, as Carter, for 4 months. He missed the others more with every passing day, especially Trowa. He had just started at school, in grade 12. It was frustrating, because he found himself way ahead of the other students in most subjects, but far behind in others. He heard Mark and Elana, his foster parents, coming up the stairs. They paused outside of his room, murmuring. They were worried about him, Quatre knew that, but he just couldn’t find the energy to reassure them right then. He felt badly about it, but sometimes he felt so disconnected from them. Just as Ann had promised, they knew next to nothing about his former life. He hoped they would leave him be for tonight.
“Carter?” Elana’s voice came through the door. No such luck. He sighed.
“Yes?” She opened the door, and she and Mark came in. They sat across from him on Jadyn’s bed.
“Carter, we’re worried about you. You haven’t been eating much lately, and you seem almost... lifeless.”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Elana,” Mark interjected, “You just don’t seem very happy.”
Quatre gritted his teeth. It was time for the lies.
“Everything’s fine, Elana.” He smiled sweetly to punctuate his comments. “I’ve just been feeling a little under the weather lately. A bug’s been going around school.” He did his best to look pale and sick, which wasn’t too difficult.
“Oh, you poor dear! Why didn’t you say so?”
She fluffed his pillows unnecessarily.
“You just get undressed and I’ll bring you a nice warm cup of tea.” She and Mark left the room.
Quatre groaned quietly. He hated lying to her, but he couldn’t tell her what was really going on. The truth was that he was missing Trowa so badly that it hurt, and he didn’t know how much longer he could go on living a lie in the name of peace. He got undressed and climbed into bed. Looking at Jadyn’s clock, he saw that it was only 8:30. Oh well, he thought, I can have an early night tonight. His exhaustion washed over him and his eyes slipped shut.
Quatre was tired, so very tired. His whole body felt heavy and his consciousness rested on the very brink of a dark chasm. Sleep. He wanted it, needed it. He felt himself sinking into the murky depths, his thoughts coming ever more slowly. Sounds blurred around him as he let his exhaustion take over. Tug tug. His brow crinkled in irritation as an insistent stimuli wrestled with his sinking consciousness, bringing him closer to the surface. He would ignore it. Tug tug. Sounds came into sharp focus and he resignedly opened his eyes. Soulful brown eyes stared back into his own and he started, throwing the little girl off his chest and gasping in shock. Standing bolt upright he scanned the room for threats. Calmness crept back to him as he took in the familiarity of his surroundings: The old brown couch he was sitting on, the television in the corner, the window staring into the backyard and a clear autumn day… And a scared little girl. As the unexpected adrenaline rush wore off his hands shook and his chest heaved. He managed a shaky smile for his four year old foster sister.
“Are you okay, Jessie?” Jessie’s lower lip trembled, and she stuck her thumb in her mouth, speaking around it.
“ ‘m sorry, Carter.” She gulped a few times, silent tears running down her face and into her long, curly brown hair.
Quatre sighed and knelt down, picking her up. She wrapped her little arms around his neck and clung there for a while.
“Shh sweetie, don’t cry. You’re a brave girl, remember? You know better than to startle me like that. Don’t you remember what Mommy and Daddy said?”
“I f-forgot Carter. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad, Jessie. How could I stay mad at you?” And he threw the girl into the air a couple of times, always catching her before she hit the ground. Her soft hiccupping turned into squeals of laughter.
“Eeeeek! Carter! Carter stop!”
Obligingly, Quatre put her down and wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks.
“There’s that beautiful smile I love to see! Now what did you want before I got all grouchy?”
The little girl’s eyes lit up again and she raced over to the corner where she had put her glove and ball.
“Will you play catch with me?”
Quatre forced a smile. His exhaustion would have to wait.
“Sure.”
That night, Quatre excused himself from dinner early. He headed up the stairs to where he shared a room with his foster brother, Jadyn. Being Carter Sims was exhausting. He lay down on his bed, atop the covers and fully clothed. This was his thinking time. The late evening was the only time he had to himself. It was the only time when he could think about what had been, what he had lost. He had lost everything, really, right down to his name. After the war, there had been a huge political movement towards the rehabilitation of former soldiers. The five of them had made no efforts to conceal their roles in the war, preferring to meet the consequences of their actions head on, like honourable men. That’s how Wufei had said it, anyway.
The authorities hadn’t known what to do with them. There had been a huge outcry in the media about them for a while. Some had said they should be executed for war crimes. Others had said they were heroes. Most people, however, had agreed on one thing: that the soldier’s mindset required to be a gundam pilot was dangerous to the new peace-loving society. The gundam pilots were a threat to the safety of the public. And so there had been a few court appearances, many, many interviews with psychologists, and house arrest in the Preventers’ headquarters until such time as a decision could be made. The pilots hadn’t really minded this. They still had each other, and they all knew it would be a long time before their reflexes and war-time habits could be calmed. So they rested with each other for 4 months, strengthening bonds of friendship and love formed in the dire circumstances of the war. But on the 4th of April, AC 196, that all changed.
The first indication that there was anything wrong was a cryptic e-mail from Relena to Heero. At 9:10 am, the pilots gathered around Heero’s laptop, searching for hidden messages in the e-mail. There were none. Relena’s image came onscreen for all of 10 seconds, then vanished with only these words:
“I tried. I’m so sorry.” A tear ran down her cheek and her image disappeared.
A few minutes later, the pilots opened the door to a grim-faced Lady Une and two other people, a man and a woman. They gathered around the kitchen table and awaited the news. Both the woman and the man cleared their throats and glared at Lady Une, indicating that she should begin. Instead, Commander Une glared back just as fiercely, saying
“I refuse to inform them of this decision. I do not support it. You will have to tell them yourselves.”
The woman adjusted her spectacles, shifting uncomfortably and brushing her long blonde hair out of her face. She cleared her throat and the man beside her started the explanation.
“We have decided on a policy of total reintegration.”
He looked around impressively after he had said this, but only blank stares greeted her. A cold feeling settled in Quatre’s stomach.
“No disrespect or anything,” Duo said in a tone that belied his words, “but who are you and what does that mean?”
“My name is John Buckley and this is Ann Watkins, but you can call us John and Ann.”
Ann smiled and her eyes crinkled in the way that eyes do when a person has smiled a lot in life. This might have put them at ease, but there was an unspoken tension in her mouth, as though she knew she would be delivering unwelcome news. She spoke slowly and deliberately, as though carefully choosing her words.
“It has been decided that the only thing to do is to let you all start over again. This will mean new homes, new friends, and even new names.” Duo gasped here but remained silent, allowing her to continue her explanation.
“All of you will be placed into foster care with different families. Hopefully, you’ll learn what’s it’s like to be part of a real family. You won’t be expected to do this without help; you’ll all be provided with a therapist to help you adjust to not being soldiers anymore. Your therapist will be the only one who will know of your past. Your foster families will be told nothing of your participation in the war. They will only know that you fought as child soldiers.”
The pilots sat in shock.
“W-what if we don’t want this?” Quatre asked in a small voice. “What if we’ve already found a real family?” As he said this, Quatre looked around at his friends. His gaze finally came to rest on Trowa. He reached over and squeezed his lover’s hand. Trowa squeezed back.
The other pilots silently voiced their agreement with Quatre. Duo placed on arm around Heero who was sitting on his left, and Wufei who was on his right. The five of them drew each other closer, protectively.
John sighed, rubbing his temples.
“That’s the hard part. The court has decided that it would be best if the five of you were kept separate. Recovery is a long road, and you might hold each other back. You will be placed with families on different colonies.”
“What? No! You can’t do that! Look, we’re good at hiding. You wouldn’t have found us if we didn’t want to be found. We can easily melt into the shadows again. This is insane!” Duo-Boys don’t cry- Maxwell seemed to be on the edge of tears. He stood, appealing to his family, the boys, no, men beside him to stand with him. They all stood, but Wufei, voice resigned, broke in.
“We fought long and hard for this peace. We lost many of the people we cared about, and many people we didn’t even know. We were fighting for freedom, so that the people could choose their own government, free of tyrants and militant groups. We were fighting to stop the oppression of the people in the colonies. Now the oppression has stopped, and the people have chosen their government. We are not above the law. It would be an insult to all that we have achieved, and it would mean dishonor to all the people who died, if we did not abide by this government’s decisions.”
Heero nodded in agreement, and Quatre spoke up.
“We have made huge sacrifices so that a people’s government could make decisions. Now the people are asking for one more sacrifice, and we are honour-bound to give it.” He turned to Duo, and wiped away the tear that was trickling down his cheek.
“We will always be family. No matter where we are. It doesn’t matter. One day, we’ll find each other again.”
That last night had been the hardest. He and Trowa had made love until the early hours of the morning. Then they had gone down to the common room, where, to their surprise, the other three were already drinking coffee. Nobody said anything. There wasn’t anything to say.
Quatre had been with the Sims now, as Carter, for 4 months. He missed the others more with every passing day, especially Trowa. He had just started at school, in grade 12. It was frustrating, because he found himself way ahead of the other students in most subjects, but far behind in others. He heard Mark and Elana, his foster parents, coming up the stairs. They paused outside of his room, murmuring. They were worried about him, Quatre knew that, but he just couldn’t find the energy to reassure them right then. He felt badly about it, but sometimes he felt so disconnected from them. Just as Ann had promised, they knew next to nothing about his former life. He hoped they would leave him be for tonight.
“Carter?” Elana’s voice came through the door. No such luck. He sighed.
“Yes?” She opened the door, and she and Mark came in. They sat across from him on Jadyn’s bed.
“Carter, we’re worried about you. You haven’t been eating much lately, and you seem almost... lifeless.”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Elana,” Mark interjected, “You just don’t seem very happy.”
Quatre gritted his teeth. It was time for the lies.
“Everything’s fine, Elana.” He smiled sweetly to punctuate his comments. “I’ve just been feeling a little under the weather lately. A bug’s been going around school.” He did his best to look pale and sick, which wasn’t too difficult.
“Oh, you poor dear! Why didn’t you say so?”
She fluffed his pillows unnecessarily.
“You just get undressed and I’ll bring you a nice warm cup of tea.” She and Mark left the room.
Quatre groaned quietly. He hated lying to her, but he couldn’t tell her what was really going on. The truth was that he was missing Trowa so badly that it hurt, and he didn’t know how much longer he could go on living a lie in the name of peace. He got undressed and climbed into bed. Looking at Jadyn’s clock, he saw that it was only 8:30. Oh well, he thought, I can have an early night tonight. His exhaustion washed over him and his eyes slipped shut.