Out With The Old...

Feb 09, 2009 11:49



Some MySpace Blogs About Bobby that need to R.I.P:

23 Jan 09 Friday 4:19 PM


Not So Light-Hearted
Current mood:mourning

I'm not crying every day over the loss of a flawed man - I'm crying over the loss of an opportunity to love unconditionally, which he has taken from me.

He no longer wants my heart, I am no longer able to fight for the chance to give it to him. I just have to hand my devotion and soul off into nothingness and watch them fall apart in the breeze of the meaningless air that I breathe.
David: It doesn't get much better with time...it just gets easier to hide your sadness with bacon.

Me: ...i love bacon...

K. Ford: It is one thing to fight for something initially, but relationships are tough enough. You can't be both sides. This is not meant as an insult to him, but to waste your love and devotion-to empty it out into a bottomless chasm does nothing but make you less able to give love a chance later. The next person,..down the line, someone will be asking for that,..and you may have used it up on this. It's not fair to them, but it's certainly not fair to you. I don't mean to say that I don't think you should be broken up,...but I just urge you to please not give it any more of you than you have to, or already have. It's obviously not respected, and definitely isn't being returned. So I'm giving you permission to take care of YOU for a change. You have an unbelievably bright future darlin', and you will find that person-or they will find you, that will not only be man enough to not only accept your gift, but to give you their heart in return. Keep the faith, honey. In time, you will wonder why you gave it the power that you did.

Me: Wow, he tried to comment back to you, Kevin! He tried to say something about how I wasn't a "giving" person (meaning, money), and how I didn't love him or whatever. Anyone with half a brain could see what really went on between the two of us.
I did us all the courtesy of sparing the public with his badly misspelled and misguided response. I wish he would just move on, like I'm trying to.

29 Dec 08 Monday 9:39 AM


DETOX... Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done.

As much as I try to "play it cool," I had my heart set... I was going to marry him. That means a lot to me - That means I craved being near him, even if it meant fighting. It means that nothing could have made me happier than to wake up every day knowing he was there next to me, loving me. To love and be loved without ever having to question it. To just know for certain that I would never be alone, and would never have to try to be anything I wasn't, because someone loved me just the way I am. I looked forward eagerly to the rest of my life, as if time couldn't pass quickly enough and bring us close enough together. As if I wanted the "rest of my life" to happen in one overwhelming and undeniable moment. And then he would reach over and put his hand on mine, and my craving would climax and I'd just HAVE to kiss him.

So what does one do when they're whole world seems not to mind - to actually WANT - to keep you out of it forever?

So I'm outside the world looking in, and I can't even see if it misses me.

Detox. Slowly trying to scrub and cry away all of the feelings that made me live. Trying to sleep so I can dream it's all okay again. Trying to pretend it never happened so I don't have to admit to myself that it won't be happening anymore. Trying desperately to be who I was before I knew that love was EVERYTHING.

I haven't forgotten how to live. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore.

Kym: Ashley honey! Right now your heart is breaking but life will move on one day at a time, one tear at a time! I'm here if you need to vent or cry! Hang in there you are one of the strongest people I know! You have gone far and still will go far in life be strong and keep that beautiful chin up one day you will stand tall again and love again.

Me: Thank you :'(

Krysty: Oh honey, I've been there, boy have I EVER been there! And in a lot ways, I'm still there. Damn those wily rocker men & their fickle hearts... I'm not gonna sugar-coat things & promise that your heart will ever be the same again. It likely won't. But you WILL smile again, you'll laugh again & yes, even love again.I like to think that whomever it is that girls like us are meant to be with, is so amazing, that we can't even begin to fathom... I know it's not much consolation when you're hurting like you are now, but if you want to just lament to someone who's been in your shoes, you've got a sympathetic ear in me!

Me: Rockers... they think everyone "wants" them :( They shouldn't use that to hurt the ones who actually DO.

Draven: Ash! I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I totally know how it feels... and it sucks big time. One thing i have learned going through the same situation. Is that time is the only thing that heals a broken heart. I am always there for you 24/7 if you need to talk. You don't have to go through this alone. Friends are meant to be leaned on when in need. You have a bright future ahead of you. Life is about learning, give it a chance. It will open doors you've never imagined existed.

Me: You have always been SUCH a great friend - and one of the VERY FEW (um, none?) guy friends that still TALKED to me after I was engaged! They disappeared pretty quickly, and yet, they're all calling again suddenly... Fair weather much?
I'm lucky you're here.

Casey:
First of all you need to wallow in the pain......
http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=qbzOIyAWbHk
I know somebody and they cry for you.

They lie awake at night and dream of you.

I bet you never even know they do, but somebody's crying.

I know somebody and they called your name.

A million times and still you never came.

They go on loving you just the same, I know that somebody's trying.

So please, return the love you took from me.

Or please, let me know if it can't be me, I know when,
Somebody's lieing, I know when somebody's lieing.

( Guitar Solo )

I know that somebody's lieing, I know that somebody's lieing.

Give me a sign and let me know we're through.

If you don't love me like I love you.

But if you cry at night the way I do I'll know that somebody's lieing.

So please, return the love you took from me.

Or please, let me know if it can't be me.

I know when somebody's lieing, I know when somebody's lieing.

Oh I, oh I...
*******************************************************************************
Then we need too get a little pissed....but still cry....
http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=hsJPDYWOMdg
(Come on…)
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man, well yeah,
An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby, (break a..)
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah. (have a..)
Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.

You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good, and baby,
Deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never never never never never never never hear me when I cry at night.

Baby, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a..)
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, (come on…)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.

Well, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

Guitar

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
(break a…)
Break another little bit of my heart, darling, yeah.
(have a)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it (waaaaahhh)
Take a…Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
(break a…)
Break another little bit of my heart, and darling, yeah yeah (have a)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good
*******************************************************************************
Ok lets get funky...pretend that were sitting up with curilers in our hair, mud mask on our face and a bottle of good wine!
http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=10C68Gzd5GM
At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
*******************************************************************************
Ok now that I know your singing along....check this hot joint out...(raido dj speak...it so cool)
http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=sJxyTpBI0sY
I dont need your sympathy
Theres nothing you can say or do for me
And I dont want a miracle
Youll never change for no one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

cos Im strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now Im strong enough
To know you gotta go

Theres no more to say
So save your breath
And then walk away
No matter what I hear you say
Im strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby, have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
You dont wanna hear about it

Ive been losing sleep
Youve been going cheap
She aint worth half of me its true
Im telling you

Now Im strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now Im strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
Youll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, its true

Im telling you
That Im strong enough to live without you
Stron enough and I quit crying
Long enough now Im strong enough
To know you gotta go

Theres no more to say
So save your breath
And you walk away
No matter what I hear you say
Im strong enough to know you gotta go
******************************************************************************..
Now if Cher can be strong enough, I know you can girl!
Remember
*A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it.

*No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.

*When you break up, your whole identity is shattered.

*If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

LOL I love you!

Me:Casey, I love you more than I love myself. Kiki still has you beat, maybe Momma, but you're sure cutting it close!!! And I have to mention David so he doesn't get jealous, like the Teen Girl Squad.... :p
Bill: Hello Ashley,
This is Bill from Houston, we met a few times while you were in Houston. Just wanted to say that Im very sorry things didnt work out for you, but you are a totally beautiful person and Im sure that you will survive and come out of this a stronger person.

if youre ever in Houston again, stop by my club and say hi!! Fondly, Bill

Me: That is so kind of you, Thank You!

Noelle:Oh Ashley, I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. I know it must be incredibly difficult, and at times (or most of the time) feel unbearable and impossible to survive. I know those feelings, remember? That is how I have felt every single day for the past 9 years, so I get it. Of course, for different reasons, but pain is pain and doesn't discriminate. I wish so much that I could take this pain away from you so you could be happy again. I wish I could show you how awesome you are so you realize you don't need someone else to complete you. You complete yourself. You are so fucking amazing, just hold onto that. But when the tunnel seems so long and the light doesn't appear to exist, it can be impossible to keep walking. You begin to think that every step you take is just one more step prolonging your pain and suffering. But from an outside perspective, I can see that there is a light and an end to the pain. I just hope you can find the strength to keep walking.
I love you!

Me:Noelle!!

It has been SO long since dept384.com (Remember THAT?!), it is SO good to hear from you!!

I missed you! I stil think of you whenever I do a survey :p

Thank you for your kind words, you and I commiserate on a lot of levels, hun.

:(

Neal:Not all guys are ass wipes. I met you at the beginning of an important part of the journey and am saddened now to hear this news. Nothing anyone says will take the pain away but it will go away... in time.

Your friend,

Neal

Kat: oh my goodness! this breaks my heart. if you ever need someone to talk to, i am always here. i know we don't really know each other too well aside from being on the cruise but i know this feeling far too well and i hate that you are having to go through it. i am so sorry, ashley. let me know if there's anything i can do.

29 Jan 08 Tuesday 3:47 PM



STRONGER
Current mood:broken

The following is an older blog I wrote and kept set to Private just so I could vent. Now, however, some news has been brought to light, and I no longer have any heartfelt reasons to keep this to myself. He doesn't give a Ratt sh*t about me, so why the Hell have I been protecting him? How stupid did I have to be to fall for such a loser? I guess "fall" is an accurate term in this situation, as I had to fall to be anywhere near his level to begin with.

The news: Tonight, I received a slurred voicemail from Spain in which Bobby proudly laid out for me that he has been "seeing someone else" for some time now. Which is proof that I shouldn't have ever believed a word he said about anything, especially how he'll "never cheat on anyone ever again." Well, obviously he thinks he's a better person than he can help being in REAL life. That selfish, inconsiderate guy has put ME at risk with whatever BS he's been doing in all of that spare time he's had while I was at work. My mom was not surprised to receive the 1am phone call - She said I should have known that he would do something like this to me back when he first started talking to me the way he has been for months. She said that was the first sign of him having no respect for me, and anything after that was to be expected. And you know what? She's right. Only I thought it would lead to him hitting me, which I can deal with. Cheating tore my family apart. Now it has torn my heart apart, and my engagement, and my faith in love at all. Thank God I moved. He doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as me.

He wanted me to make a big deal on here about us? Well here it is, in all it's deserved glory. The truth.

Bobby was SO livid when I switched my status to "single" so long ago. That would have made sense and been understandable if he hadn't already broken up with me a million times (in less than a year), and I finally called it quits myself  few times. But I never really thought back then that it would end - I thought we couldn't live without each other. Boy, was I wrong. How things change.
He demanded that I change it "immediately." He asked me every few minutes when I was around to "go change that right now."
I always responded that I would not change my status to "in a relationship" until I was actually IN one. And we weren't. He needed to step up and be that guy I fell for in June, not the Monster he previewed to me in August, and became in October.

Eventually I changed it so he would shut the *%$ up about it. He has still hassled me for days and days about how our pictures are no longer viewable. That I will NOT change.

Especially not now.

I think it's about time for people to see the real Bobby (and I don't mean the harmless troublemaker he thinks he is, and is expressing in his soon-to-be-yet-another-rock-autobiography - which he isn't writing himself, making it a ..biography...).
Some of you saw that guy - the hammered, selfish, inconsiderate gambling monster - on the tour last summer, or in Vegas recently, or even on the Cruise this week. You may have even watched him call me names, and make jokes at my expense, and demand that I behave some certain way. You may have wondered what I must have done to deserve it.
Well, I'll tell you.

According to Bobby, I did not pay him enough RENT (yes, that four letter word that should not exist between soon-to-be-married couples). My reason? I took a LOT of time off of work to spend flying out to see him, or going on  c r u i s e s with him. And each time, I told him it would directly affect my finances. And each time he exploded when I came up short. He still says I OWE him $320 from December, out of the $700 he demands and expects every month. He insists that I OWE him, so I should be happy to do his laundry (which he told me I don't do correctly anyway), and wash his dishes, and clean his house.
But he'll gamble away thousands of dollars, and LOAN HIS EX GIRLFRIENDS MONEY as often as he wants. And hey? Why NOT buy a yard-trimmer? The gardener isn't very good anyway, right?

He thinks it's okay to put the terriyaki chicken I made for dinner down the garbage disposal (instead of in the fridge for anyone else to eat) because it might not all be "breast meat." Oh, and he threw a b*tch fit a few nights ago because the spoons in the drawer were askew. They were sorted by size, but some of them were facing the wrong way, I guess, and he asked me what kind of low-class houses I had been in where that was acceptable. My response? THEY'RE F&$%iNG SPOONS!

Also, I apparently "dress like a 7th grader," I "don't wear enough make-up" (which he used to commend me about), I don't cook enough, I don't clean enough...
I worked at Starbucks and made my living with odd jobs through temp agencies, and shifts at Warner Bros Studios. I was going to do stand-up comedy again. But it wasn't good enough. He insisted that I have a "full-time, regular job, like EVERY OTHER WOMAN in the world" (his words, not mine. Obviously.). So I cut WAY back at Starbucks and got a desk job booking students at a local performing arts school...
Which let me go because I took too much TIME OFF WORK, specifically for the cruise (which he insisted I go on if I cared about our relationship at all), and NAMM (which he insisted I go to so he could represent with his "chick" at his side). On both occasions, he spent most of our time together at these events putting me down, making me feel guilty about anything and everything, and fighting with me. Embarassing me. We had been at NAMM for about an hour before he was grabbing my wrist and dragging me away from HiS FRiENDS, telling me that I was embarassing him, and I should just go find a ride home.

He swears he did "everything for" me. But he made me leave all of my furniture in my old apartment (where I wish I could live again, car theft and all), including my computer monitor and an antique dresser. I was barely able to keep my birthday gift nightstand set by telling him my mom would come get it and keep it for me.
His reasoning for this was that it wouldn't "fit in." I should have known then that neither would I. No one could fit in to a relationship in a world that revolves around only one person.
It took WEEKS for him to replace my monitor (which he knew I couldn't afford). I couldn't access any of the things on my computer that I needed. Weeks.

And I still haven't ever seen a glimmer of truth in all of the things he promised me. We've never been to Disneyland together (which was my LIFE). We've never gone to Yosemite or Big Bear, but he has gone to Mammoth twice without me. We've never gone booguie boarding, which I used to do often. I didn't even know that my AP for Universal Studios had expired when we moved in together. That's because we never WENT, which meant I couldn't go either. I used to see stand-up three nights a week or more.
We've gone twice.
I used to do SO MANY things that I loved. He does not enjoy them, so I do not did them anymore. I couldn't even watch House anymore (which you all know, I never missed an episode... until I moved in with Bobby, and have now missed every episode since).

I'd go on, but the Master will be back from his angry, rent-check-free trip to the bank soon (no, it isn't the first of them month, he just demanded it today anyway, because he wants an excuse to misbehave), so I have to go.

Let the world know, he will never again know how to treat a lady, if he ever did at all.

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