[fic]I wish I wouldn't fall like this again(3/3)
lPART 2l
Your kindness have letting you go through me,
Discovering the real me..
For the first time,
I’m opening up myself for you..
For the first time,
I’m letting myself to trust you..
For the first time,
I’m having a person that I could rely on..
And I’m changing myself because of you..
That time, you swear to me,
That you would be by my side forever..
Always Together
“Kazu, you’re holding my hand”
Kame turned around, giving a flashing smile to Jin.
“So what?”
“A guy walking with another guy, holding hands. What would people thinking?”
Kame laughed.
“I don’t care about them and I want to hold your hand. Do you care?”
“No..but.. don’t you think that people would talking about it. See there, they’re whispering bad things about it”
Kame chuckled.
“You’re so cold, Jin. I don’t care. Besides, what is between us, only we know it right? Why do you care about them anyway?”
Jin blushed, hearing the sweet words coming from Kame.
“Yeah, between us, only we know it better”
Kame stopped, looking at Jin’s eyes.
“Man, you’re blushing Jin!”
“No I’m not!”
“Yes you are! So cute!”
“What the hell cute? Anyway, thanks for the words earlier. It is nice”
“Wow, you’re blushing just for those words. Well, I think of making you shy more, can I?”
Kame laugh, earning a smacked in his head.
“I think I got the worst teasing brother ever now..”
“Ouch, that hurt! Don’t worry, I’ll always be your teasing brother since you’re the number one person in my heart”
Jin laughed.
“Spare some space for your future girlfriend then, bro. I bet she would be jealous if she knows this”
“Like I care. Haven’t I told you before, no matter how much person will I meet in the future, no one could ever replace your number one spot in my heart”
“What an idiotic brother I have now…Maybe you could attend the literature class after this”
They both laughed, exchanging promises on being by the others side forever. Promising of an eternal brotherhood and everlasting friendship.
Together we walked,
Hands in hands walking towards the future..
Not knowing what would awaits us..
Is breaking my heart also yours..
I wish if I could forget the promise we made..
So that I can move on without any sadness..
So that I would never be a good friend with the tears..
For the first time, I cried..
Exposing my weakness to you..
But how can I stop it?
When we’re separated…
Separation
“Kazu, I’m sorry..”
“Jin…please..don’t leave..”
Kame was crying the hell out. His face that full of pain was worst than the first time he crying on losing his brother. Jin couldn’t stop himself from feeling his heart heavy with burden. He couldn’t hold his tears anymore. He felt his cheek was wet with his own tears. Kame was hugging him tight as if the hug would make him stay there, not leaving him.
“Kazu, I need to go there..My father would do everything to make me go there even if I rebelled”
“Jin…But..tsk..I..I…I need you here..tsk..”
“I need you too, you are the closest to me forever Kazu.. Don’t worry, I would never forget to contact you there”
Kame was crying so badly. He gripped Jin’s shirt strongly while Jin himself was crying hard too.
“But..tsk..you were far..tsk..from me..How can I live..tsk..without you?”
Jin smiled, hearing those words.
“Don’t talk as if I’m already dead, Kazu. It was just I’m going to L.A to further my study for that old man’s wishes. And I’ll come back, I promised..”
“Promise me..tsk..don’t forget me..please..tsk..”
“No I won’t, my dear Kazu. How can I forget you when you are the best brother ever to me.. I will miss you so much there..”
Jin stroke Kame’s back softly, wanting to relieve the smaller guy even though he himself was crying and he doesn’t bother to stop his own cries. Jin kissed Kame’s forehead before looking at Kame’s eyes.
“I believe that our bond would stay strong. No matter how far we were from each other, I believe that our brotherhood would remained forever..”
Kame nodded along with the tears. His face was indescribable with the feeling of sadness and pain.
“Call me..”
“I will…”
“Send letter to me..”
“I will..”
“Take care of yourself..”
“I will..”
“Don’t forget to eat good stuff”
“You too..”
“I will miss you like hell..”
“Me too..”
This time, they hug each other without words, just a complete silent of their heart exchanging tears.
We both support each other to remained strong..
But, living far away from you,
Making me realize how important you are in my heart..
You are more important to me than my own selfish self…
You are more important to me than everything else that ever exists..
So important that is I felt like dying of missing you there..
My heart aching in pain on wanting to see you so much..
I’m missing you like hell!
Missing You
“Akanishi, you’re spacing out again? Please give some attention to the class or you’ll end up fail this term”
Jin doesn’t even hear what a guy named Nakamaru Yuichi, his new friend at the university in America said. Nakamaru sighed, not knowing what troubled the gorgeous guy besides him so much. Yeah, he attended the lecture but walking out without hearing even a single words of the professor talking.
“Kazu…”
And the name kept on repeating by that mouth over and over again.
“Hey, are you sick in love with the Kazu person or what? I’ve been hearing you’re saying that name about thousands time already”
Nakamaru just spoke out, even though he knows that he was talking alone, not to the ‘I-am-at-the-other-world-right-now-so-please-don’t-disturb-me’ guy.
“Seems like a serious problem here”
Jin reached his apartment, running to the computer checking if there is a new e-mail he had been waiting for not more than 24 hours. Looking at the wallpaper, it was the picture of himself and Kame at the playground, having fun and he smiled. Opening the e-mail, his smile getting wider. And just a second after he replied the e-mail, his phone ringing.
“Moshi moshi, Jin?”
“Kazuuu!!! I miss you!!”
Sound of Kame chuckled at the other side of the phone makes him pouted.
“Mou, Kazu..”
“You’re too cute, Jin. I think we just talked this morning and you’re already whining like a child saying that you missed me”
Jin laughed easily.
“Sorry for that, bro. I’m super excited to hear your beautiful voice here”
“Well, you know. I want to tell you something”
Jin felt his heart pounded heavily, as if he would receive a very bad news after that. He gulped.
“What is it?”
“Did you remember the girl name Horikita Maki in our high school? She confessed to me just now and I think I’m kinda like her too”
Jin stares at the phone blankly, speechless.
‘What is this aching?’
“You like her?”
“Yeah, she was cuter than I thought. I think of wanna go out with her. What do you think?”
Jin gripped his shirt right at his heart. Suddenly, it was hard to breath.
‘What is this feeling? I should be happy for him right?’
“Jin?”
“Hmm, yeah. Congratulations for that, I’m happy for you. Well, I got something urgent now, let’s talk later okay”
Jin quickly put the phone back at the holder. He felt hurt, more to an indescribable feeling. He kneeled on the floor, and without he even knows it, there are tears running down his face.
“What..am I doing?”
Questioning himself, he cried harder.
“Why did I cry? I supposed to be happy for him. I am a brother to him, and he is my best friend”
He cried harder, as if every single tear that he let out would heal the pain he felt on his chest. He felt very down..and alone..
Knowing that your heart belongs to someone else,
Making me felt broken, alone and hurt..
Making me realize what is my real feelings for you,
Yet I tried to denied it but I just can’t..
That time I cried for it,.
It wasn’t a pure everlasting friendship anymore,
It wasn’t an eternal brotherhood anymore..
It was about having my heart stolen by you,
It was about how much I want you all to myself,
Me and only myself..
And yet I couldn’t have it…
Only if I could just shut down this feeling..
So that I would never been so painful..
Just since when did I become so fragile and broken?
Where did all of my coldness and calm fly away?
And I made a decision of letting you go..
Let you go
Jin looked at the screen, eyeing every single word written there. He wanted to stop the feeling that he knows well that is wrong, even though he might die from it. It is not might, he will die from it. For the uncountable times, he cried again. Just how did suddenly he can become so friendly with the tears? Even he doesn’t know it. Taking a deep breath, he pushes the send button.
“This is wrong, and I would end this.. So that we wouldn’t be in pain..”
Just how can he say those convincing words with the tears all over his face? It doesn’t make sense how strong he felt like making a suicide that time. It doesn’t take a long time before the phone ringing, and Jin wouldn’t dare to pick it, knowing who was calling him.
His phone ringing non-stop, and his inbox was full of messages but he doesn’t have any courage to look at them. Jin pull out the phone wire, and turned off his computer, running to the shower and letting himself wet with the water running all over his body. He doesn’t want to think of anything, anymore. He wanted to die..
It was already two days after he just locked himself in the room, staring to spaces. He was already like a living shit thrown into the dustbin, but he just wouldn’t mind anything anymore..
He put back the phone wire into its place, not expecting any sound to be heard, but he was completely wrong. It was till ringing, and Jin doesn’t think that he think that time before he answered it.
“What the hell were you thinking, Jin?! You’ve scared me to death!! Why??”
The yelled voice at the other side of the phone suddenly turned into a teary one. Jin was speechless; he doesn’t know what to say.
“Why, Jin? What have I done to you until you making me like this? I doesn’t even care what is your reason.. just please don’t leave me…don’t leave me, Jin..You know, I can’t live without you. I almost killing myself just now if you’re still not picking up…Jin..please…don’t make me like this..”
Hearing the hoarse voice from the phone, Jin knows that Kame was crying a lot and he couldn’t help from tearing himself too. How can his tears running down easily when it comes to that turtle guy. He knows the answer very well.
“Sorry..”
The only thing that he could say that time.
“Don’t sorry me! Don’t freaking say sorry with me when you know that you matter to me the most! When you know that you’re the most important person to me! When you know that you got my heart and soul! How can you ask me to hate you when I love you so much? How do you expect me to hate you with telling those bad sides of yours that has already passed, and I never care about that as long as you are with me! I can’t hate you no matter how much you tried to hurt me with those words! I just can’t hate you! So please, don’t make me like this Jin..Please…”
‘You loves me as I am a brother to you. How can I suppose to continue this brotherhood when I stained it with this feeling of wanting you more than a brother?’
“Just what should I do?”
“Don’t you ever let go of me! Stay beside me like you used to be..”
Those words are full of determination and Jin can’t resist it.
“Sorry, I’m being too emotional. I wouldn’t do it again.. “
“Promise me that, Jin. Don’t leave me”
Jin smiled sadly, realizing on how wonderful bond he had there only if he doesn’t have feelings for the others.
“Yeah, I promised”
“You are like a brother to me, the one that I treasure the most. So don’t do that ever again or I’ll be dead after this!”
Jin laughed, feeling like defeated.
“Yeah, I know..Thanks and sorry..”
I am a stupid for myself,
How can I expect to live without you?
When the only reason for me to live is you..
That time, I want to release you from my world,
And I know that I would die for it..
But, you were the one that not letting go of my hand,
Pleading me to stay beside you and still be your friend..
How can I think of you for just a friend when I want more than it..
I want you for myself..
That is why I want to let you go..
I tried, knowing that from the beginning that I would failed..
I tried to hurt you, knowing that myself is bleeding..
As hurting you was the things that I fear the most..
Yet I do it, and I couldn’t forgive myself..
For my punishment on hurting you..
I would be living in this lies..
A lie that I would never tell you the truth..
Living In The Lies
“Jin, it has been a while. I miss you so much!!”
Kame jumped himself on Jin, which was arrived from a flight to Japan just now. Kame hugged Jin tightly until he wasn’t being able to breathe.
“Wow, man..Easy..You’re making me more tired with this..”
Kame let go of Jin, giving a very happy laugh.
“Sorry, I just too excited that I can see you again. I really miss you so much, Jin”
Jin just smiled, before he noticing there was someone behind Kame.
“Oh, by the way, I’ve mentioned about her before. This is Horikita Maki. And Maki, this is Akanishi Jin, the best brother ever exist in the world!”
“Hoi, you’re too over, bro”
Jin exchanging glances with Maki, bowing slightly with his heart aching in pain. An unbearable pain that would torn every pieces of his heart apart. Jin tried to stand strong, looking at the girl. Not wanting anyone to sense the pain he hides behind his smile.
“Nice to meet you..”
It was killing me, living in those lies..
Pretending as if I am the usual me, a brother to you..
When in fact, my heart suffered so much..
It is very painful..
Knowing that I could never have you..
Still, I’m helplessly in love with you..
To protect that smile of yours, I’ll do anything..
I can NEVER tell you this feelings..
I wouldn’t dare to risk our beautiful friendship for this stupid feelings..
I wouldn’t dare to ruin our lovely brotherhood for my selfish desires..
I wouldn’t dare to think of losing you anymore..
This is my sin for staining our pure bond with this love..
Even though I never ask for this..
As the payment for this sin..
I can’t stop loving you.
Jin stares at the letter that was really wet soaked with his tears. He put down his pen and closed his eyes. He felt tired, and he wanted to have a long sleep...
The End..
P/s: This story..is mine..I supposed.. Don’t kill me..