[Why you gonna throw it away like that, precious?]
So, we didn't hit it off well in the beginning. I guess that's the way it was supposed to be. She sat at the table diagonal from me every other day. I remember thinking to myself, "Who could ever be this attention deprived?" I knew it was wrong to think something like that about someone who had never done ANYTHING to me. But, I was an immature freshman. I really didn't believe a word that came out of her mouth. ... Or maybe I just hadn't wanted to. I was being slapped in the face with the reality that not everyone's lives were as perfect as mine. Or was mine perfect? Looking back now, I can see that this was just another lie I continually fed to myself to make myself at least believe I was doing okay...
That spring passed, I broke up with my boyfriend so I no longer sat at that table. I never saw her anymore. I occasionally had wondered how she was, but other than that, rarely ever even thought about her. Until that summer when our paths crossed again. I had become close with one of her friends &i didn't even realize it.
I don't really remember how it happened. But over the summer &the course of that following school year, I had become close with the girl whom I told myself was nothing more than fiction. Because.. the world was perfect. Everyone was okay...
Each one of our pasts began to unravel. She taught me that it wasn't okay for me to not feel. Those lies I continually told myself were only going to hurt me more in the end.
I started to feel things. I starting showing emotions, something I had not let myself do in my 16 years. But, surprisingly I repeatedly got walked all over.
If this was good for me then why was it hurting me so much? Why was I going to sleep everynight in a pillow soaked with tears? Why was I waking up in the middle of everynight because of nightmares that depicted my problems&thoughts in a twisted way?
But she held my hand through it all, &assured me that it was good for me. In the end I would be a better &stronger person as a result of this. As much as it was hurting me &tearing me up inside, now..
The year went on. The leaves fell off the trees &autumn slowly turned into winter. Winter... the season I hated the most. My mood would inevitably go downhill. This year was no exception.
This winter was horrible for me. Conflicts with boys, friends, family and myself pulled me down. She was there pulling me right back up everytime I was pushed down by something or someone.
Now it's spring...
She &I are no longer friends. Hell, we're not even talking anymore. I know I deserve it for how i've been lately, &the stupid decisions I have made.
I know that this is exactly what I needed. Yet another big slap in the face. Another one of life's lessions I needed to learn.
In no way will I accept the things i've down, or forgive myself for the decisions i've made that have led me to this. I hate myself so much for the way i've treated all of the people I care about in the past few months.
I've closed myself up again. This whole year i've been, subconciously, living in the memories of last spring. I've been trying to feel all those feelings again.
Now, it is exactly a year later &i'm realizing that last spring wasn't okay. I knew that what I was doing was wrong all along. But now i'm trying to accept the fact that those memories are not good ones. It's not healthy for me to try to live in my past.
THis whole situation totally sucks. Not only because i Have lost one of my closest friends. Someone that I would call one of my BEST friends. She was also one of the only two that opened my eyes and led me to the path I am on now.
But, it's almost as if she's dead. As crazy as that may sound. She is is so close to me, yet so far away. And IF I ever do get a second chance things will never be the same. We've both made decisions, though not always right, that have changed who we are. Neither of us are who we were only a few months ago.
And I will keep crossing my fingers she will change her mind, accept my apology and want me back as her friend. But, if she doesn't. If I never get to speak to her again, I WILL understand.
I know that she's only protecting herself. And at least i'm left with the lesson that you cannot treat anyone like dirt and expect them to stick around.
I will always be thankful to her. For teaching me endless lessons, for letting me into her mind &heart, even if only for a short visit. I thank her for opening my eyes, for helping me feel &holding my hand through everything I had to deal with.
One of my only hopes is that I too helped her along the way...
She's right. I already am a stronger person from all of this. &although she's not the only one, she was and still is one of the best people to have walk into, and unfortunately also out, of my life.
I just pray this all is only temporary....
That spring passed, I broke up with my boyfriend so I no longer sat at that table. I never saw her anymore. I occasionally had wondered how she was, but other than that, rarely ever even thought about her. Until that summer when our paths crossed again. I had become close with one of her friends &i didn't even realize it.
I don't really remember how it happened. But over the summer &the course of that following school year, I had become close with the girl whom I told myself was nothing more than fiction. Because.. the world was perfect. Everyone was okay...
Each one of our pasts began to unravel. She taught me that it wasn't okay for me to not feel. Those lies I continually told myself were only going to hurt me more in the end.
I started to feel things. I starting showing emotions, something I had not let myself do in my 16 years. But, surprisingly I repeatedly got walked all over.
If this was good for me then why was it hurting me so much? Why was I going to sleep everynight in a pillow soaked with tears? Why was I waking up in the middle of everynight because of nightmares that depicted my problems&thoughts in a twisted way?
But she held my hand through it all, &assured me that it was good for me. In the end I would be a better &stronger person as a result of this. As much as it was hurting me &tearing me up inside, now..
The year went on. The leaves fell off the trees &autumn slowly turned into winter. Winter... the season I hated the most. My mood would inevitably go downhill. This year was no exception.
This winter was horrible for me. Conflicts with boys, friends, family and myself pulled me down. She was there pulling me right back up everytime I was pushed down by something or someone.
Now it's spring...
She &I are no longer friends. Hell, we're not even talking anymore. I know I deserve it for how i've been lately, &the stupid decisions I have made.
I know that this is exactly what I needed. Yet another big slap in the face. Another one of life's lessions I needed to learn.
In no way will I accept the things i've down, or forgive myself for the decisions i've made that have led me to this. I hate myself so much for the way i've treated all of the people I care about in the past few months.
I've closed myself up again. This whole year i've been, subconciously, living in the memories of last spring. I've been trying to feel all those feelings again.
Now, it is exactly a year later &i'm realizing that last spring wasn't okay. I knew that what I was doing was wrong all along. But now i'm trying to accept the fact that those memories are not good ones. It's not healthy for me to try to live in my past.
THis whole situation totally sucks. Not only because i Have lost one of my closest friends. Someone that I would call one of my BEST friends. She was also one of the only two that opened my eyes and led me to the path I am on now.
But, it's almost as if she's dead. As crazy as that may sound. She is is so close to me, yet so far away. And IF I ever do get a second chance things will never be the same. We've both made decisions, though not always right, that have changed who we are. Neither of us are who we were only a few months ago.
And I will keep crossing my fingers she will change her mind, accept my apology and want me back as her friend. But, if she doesn't. If I never get to speak to her again, I WILL understand.
I know that she's only protecting herself. And at least i'm left with the lesson that you cannot treat anyone like dirt and expect them to stick around.
I will always be thankful to her. For teaching me endless lessons, for letting me into her mind &heart, even if only for a short visit. I thank her for opening my eyes, for helping me feel &holding my hand through everything I had to deal with.
One of my only hopes is that I too helped her along the way...
She's right. I already am a stronger person from all of this. &although she's not the only one, she was and still is one of the best people to have walk into, and unfortunately also out, of my life.
I just pray this all is only temporary....