now.

[loverlygrrrlie]

life is not at all as id imagined it would be when i was sixteen. so i go to college. and to what end? im studying psychology and know i cant sit all day "helping" people. i talk to no one. i go to class. do the work. avoid all human contact. i long for interaction. i go to work where i know neither my coworkers nor the clientele appreciate me. or know any part of me. they treat me like shit. and i am paid to take it. some days more than others. i am polite. i am professional. and they are fucking trash. i am expected to say nothing. to cater to their every whim. their every desire. for a measley dollar that confirms that i "just wasnt good enough". the coworkers are no better. i am incompetent to them. work is no place for interaction. for socialization. its dreaded as well. another place to be ignored. and this, my life. happiness evades me. true, i have shelter, food, and clothing. but maslow knows this isnt the end all be all of life. i want to live. i want to feel. to hurt. to cry. to laugh. to scream. to love. i want to be. someday. thats what i always thought when i was young. someday i will have this. a goal. a life. a purpose. it would happen when i moved out. it would happen all at once. it did not. success. this i have. to an extent. success is relative. i am successful at surviving. in the real world. and in college. yay. its a start. i suppose. it isnt where i wanted to be. nor who i wanted to be. but it is. for now. and i will forever wonder who i would be if i had existed as id imagined when i was sixteen. and she will not exist. she is gone. and life will go on as it has. i will find purpose. someday. and the someday wont be now. or tomorrow. it isnt something tangible. but it will happen. someday. and until someday? i must live. i need to feel. again. to experience.
to be.
but how?