Interlude:
Sooo here's some more detail about that one thing.
Several weeks ago I signed up for a site called Collarme. I've had this fantasy of acquiring a collection of dudes for a while -- you might even say I wanna Catch 'Em All -- but with the way my life feels as if it's spiraling completely out of my control as of late, I've been feeling this even more strongly. So one night last month I logged on to craigslist, totally groping around blindly, and from there I found Collarme. I'd never heard of it before, but it touts itrself as "The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet." I almost didn't even finish signing up because the username I wanted (hardhearted-hannah via the song) was too long, but I heaved a sigh and decided to go with sourmilk ("She's sweet as sour milk~") which I thought was delightful in its grossness...
...and WITHIN MINUTES, MY INBOX WAS FLOODED WITH DUDES???
Like, literally by the time I finished filling out my profile, I had half a dozen messages in my inbox. I have since discovered that this is pretty typical; dudes complain endlessly about how ladies get bombarded with messages while the poor underprivileged men get left in the dust (they say as they send me messages). INB was gone for the night and I was feeling lonely and I just dived the fuck in and had a lot of fun and got guys to send me pictures of themselves gagged or pinching their nipples or all tied up with their own belts. Idek how this one guy managed to do it but it was impressive and super duper hot. (He deleted his profile the next day so it was also super duper disappointing... but I definitely have those files saved in my email.)
Since then I've slowed down a bit, because keeping hordes of boys entertained is fucking exhausting and excuse me I have a day job that does not involve thinking up tasks for you so please back off, but I've talked to a lot of dudes and have found some really cool ones whom I now email, text, and/or chat with regularly. Some of them I just enjoy talking to, and others I enjoy bossing around and controlling when they may or may not orgasm etc. It is the good life.
It's been about a month now, and I'm starting to seriously consider meeting up with some of these dudes. PLEASE NOTE that I am being extremely careful (brand new email, Google voice number instead of my actual phone number, etc) and have consulted INB, my official bodyguard. I promise I'm not going to do anything ridiculously stupid or dangerous. So please don't send me "omg be careful!!!" messages because they are unnecessary, but I do appreciate the concern.
When I told INB about that last part, he asked what I want to get out of it, and I think the answer to that question is complex and multifaceted, but one of the main factors is that I want a blank slate. It's not just about doing particular things, because I could do those things with the people I play with now -- for instance INB would be willing to at least try most of the things on my to-do list and would probably enjoy a fair amount. But I want to do them with someone who doesn't know how weak and terrified I am. I want to do those things with someone who has only seen what I've decided to show.
For most of my life, I knew I liked seeing men in pain but absolutely refused to see myself as part of that equation. It took a while to come to terms with calling myself a sadist, but now I totally embrace it. I love it. And for a while I took comfort in it, too, and sort of latched on to it: I'm just a sadist, that's all, it's just the pain, nothing else! I couldn't admit to anything more than that. But this experience and all of these dudes flocking to me and offering up worship for absolutely nothing in return has made me realize some really important things about myself.
→ I do want control.
→ I do want power.
Those are fucking mind-boggling things to admit to myself: I want to feel powerful and competent and strong and feared. Yes. I can admit that now. It's not something I want all the time, but when I get it from these ridiculous boys, it feels so fucking good. And the sort of pathetic thing is that I feel completely incapable of feeling that way around the people I know now. In my "real," day-to-day life, I don't feel like I deserve to be called any of those things, and at this point I think that trying to be that person in front of someone who sees me as an adorable but semi-incompetent tiny creature... it would feel like pretending.
I mean, INB's sister literally calls me a puppy. I'm pretty sure she thinks Brownie is more intimidating than I am.
So, Idk. Is it possible to make that switch? Yeah, sure! I think I could do it. Eventually. And usually, when I try something new, I want to be with someone I feel super comfortable and close to, and that's how I'll gain the confidence to do it in front of other people. But this is absolutely the opposite.
Some other things I have learned about myself:
→ I hate forced fem and sissification. Hate hate hate.
→ I don't like female supremacy either -- legit shock! -- which is related to:
→ I want to feel valued, but I don't want to be worshiped, and to me the difference is that "value" means this dude actually gives a shit about me as an individual whereas "worship" means he is just crazy about pussy and I happen to have one. If literally your only interest in me is that I'm a woman then move along please and thank you, that shit is just as bad as chivalry.
→ I really, really love the thought of having a collection of dudes. To clarify, this is not actually anything new, but I did have a moment of awakening when I found myself getting turned on just from organizing the boys in my contacts list into categories: done with, potential keepers, and then just "boys" for the ones I really like. My boys. ♥
→ I hate being called "Goddess" or "Princess." I'll tolerate "Mistress" but it does nothing for me. I'm still not sold on "Ma'am" as a title, but I do really enjoy it as part of a response: "Yes ma'am," etc. Last night some dude called me "boss" and that was so delightful. Other favorites include "trouble" and "you. oh man. YOU."
→ I love calling dudes "honey," "sweetie," and occasionally "baby," especially if it embarrasses them.
→ I don't owe a dude anything just because he's interested in me. I feel like this is a Life Lesson and one that I knew, logically, in my brain, but perhaps not so much in my kokoro. But there was this one dude who was sooo fucking persistent and begged me over and over again to give him a chance, and I gave him my email address because I felt bad, and then after like the tenth email in one day I realized: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING. The whole point of this is for me to be happy and feel in control, so whyyy am I wasting my time and energy and happiness on this crybaby who just doesn't want to hear no? So I immediately messaged him, "It's not working out," put his email address in a filter that goes straight to the trash, and blocked him on CM, and with that I no longer have any fucks to give. That whiny, needy dude does not even deserve to kiss my ass, fucking A.
→ On that note: One of the things I crave most is making a guy beg, and then telling him no, and having that be okay.
And then today this guy messaged me. He seemed funny, and I wasn't doing anything, so we started chatting (which I usually don't do until I'm already invested in the guy). His profile says he's a switch, which is fine, but I definitely got the feeling that he was sort of... fighting for control of the conversation? And I am so tired of that bullshit -- most of the messages I get are from dudes throwing themselves at my feet but every now and then there will be one from some misogynist crybaby who wants to stomp his feet at me about how women can't really be dominants and blah blah blah -- and I just don't have the patience to try and ~prove myself~ or wrestle control away from this dude. If he wants it so bad, he can have it, seriously, I don't care. At one point he even said, "Does it feel like there's a power struggle here?" and I told him something like, "Uh, maybe to you, but I'm not interested in struggling for power with anyone. I'm not gonna submit to you or whatever but I'm not gonna waste my time trying to dominate the conversation. I don't care that much."
And suddenly the whole thing changed. He was like, "Hey, let me get on cam~" and he showed off a little bit for me, and he kept talking about wanting to hold my attention and keep me interested in him. And it was fun, but INB was going to be home soon, so I said I had to go.
And then things really changed.
He kept trying to convince me to stay. He kept offering things, like "What if I get on my knees?" and "What if I take my clothes off?". At first he just typed those things, but then, because he was on cam, he started actually saying them. And I just kept telling him, "Nope. By all means, get on your knees and beg if you want, but I'm not changing my mind." And finally I said, "I'm giving you three minutes, and then I'm logging off." And he really, really started begging, out loud: "Please, please don't leave, I'll get on my knees, I'll get on my knees right now, I'll take all my clothes off, please, just stay, I'll do anything--"
And then his three minutes were up.
So I logged off.
It felt so fucking good. It was absolutely amazing. And then hours later, when I got back online and he was still there, he begged me to let him do something for me, so I got him to gag himself with a pair of underwear and some duct tape and then jerk off until he was just at the edge of coming and I got to watch and hear the whole thing.
And afterwards, when he wanted more and I said that we were done for the night, and he asked why, I told him:
"Because I want you to know that I'm not always going to give you what you want just because you ask nicely."
And it was amazing.
Crossposted here on Dreamwidth. You can comment there anonymously or using OpenID. ♥
Several weeks ago I signed up for a site called Collarme. I've had this fantasy of acquiring a collection of dudes for a while -- you might even say I wanna Catch 'Em All -- but with the way my life feels as if it's spiraling completely out of my control as of late, I've been feeling this even more strongly. So one night last month I logged on to craigslist, totally groping around blindly, and from there I found Collarme. I'd never heard of it before, but it touts itrself as "The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet." I almost didn't even finish signing up because the username I wanted (hardhearted-hannah via the song) was too long, but I heaved a sigh and decided to go with sourmilk ("She's sweet as sour milk~") which I thought was delightful in its grossness...
...and WITHIN MINUTES, MY INBOX WAS FLOODED WITH DUDES???
Like, literally by the time I finished filling out my profile, I had half a dozen messages in my inbox. I have since discovered that this is pretty typical; dudes complain endlessly about how ladies get bombarded with messages while the poor underprivileged men get left in the dust (they say as they send me messages). INB was gone for the night and I was feeling lonely and I just dived the fuck in and had a lot of fun and got guys to send me pictures of themselves gagged or pinching their nipples or all tied up with their own belts. Idek how this one guy managed to do it but it was impressive and super duper hot. (He deleted his profile the next day so it was also super duper disappointing... but I definitely have those files saved in my email.)
Since then I've slowed down a bit, because keeping hordes of boys entertained is fucking exhausting and excuse me I have a day job that does not involve thinking up tasks for you so please back off, but I've talked to a lot of dudes and have found some really cool ones whom I now email, text, and/or chat with regularly. Some of them I just enjoy talking to, and others I enjoy bossing around and controlling when they may or may not orgasm etc. It is the good life.
It's been about a month now, and I'm starting to seriously consider meeting up with some of these dudes. PLEASE NOTE that I am being extremely careful (brand new email, Google voice number instead of my actual phone number, etc) and have consulted INB, my official bodyguard. I promise I'm not going to do anything ridiculously stupid or dangerous. So please don't send me "omg be careful!!!" messages because they are unnecessary, but I do appreciate the concern.
When I told INB about that last part, he asked what I want to get out of it, and I think the answer to that question is complex and multifaceted, but one of the main factors is that I want a blank slate. It's not just about doing particular things, because I could do those things with the people I play with now -- for instance INB would be willing to at least try most of the things on my to-do list and would probably enjoy a fair amount. But I want to do them with someone who doesn't know how weak and terrified I am. I want to do those things with someone who has only seen what I've decided to show.
For most of my life, I knew I liked seeing men in pain but absolutely refused to see myself as part of that equation. It took a while to come to terms with calling myself a sadist, but now I totally embrace it. I love it. And for a while I took comfort in it, too, and sort of latched on to it: I'm just a sadist, that's all, it's just the pain, nothing else! I couldn't admit to anything more than that. But this experience and all of these dudes flocking to me and offering up worship for absolutely nothing in return has made me realize some really important things about myself.
→ I do want control.
→ I do want power.
Those are fucking mind-boggling things to admit to myself: I want to feel powerful and competent and strong and feared. Yes. I can admit that now. It's not something I want all the time, but when I get it from these ridiculous boys, it feels so fucking good. And the sort of pathetic thing is that I feel completely incapable of feeling that way around the people I know now. In my "real," day-to-day life, I don't feel like I deserve to be called any of those things, and at this point I think that trying to be that person in front of someone who sees me as an adorable but semi-incompetent tiny creature... it would feel like pretending.
I mean, INB's sister literally calls me a puppy. I'm pretty sure she thinks Brownie is more intimidating than I am.
So, Idk. Is it possible to make that switch? Yeah, sure! I think I could do it. Eventually. And usually, when I try something new, I want to be with someone I feel super comfortable and close to, and that's how I'll gain the confidence to do it in front of other people. But this is absolutely the opposite.
Some other things I have learned about myself:
→ I hate forced fem and sissification. Hate hate hate.
→ I don't like female supremacy either -- legit shock! -- which is related to:
→ I want to feel valued, but I don't want to be worshiped, and to me the difference is that "value" means this dude actually gives a shit about me as an individual whereas "worship" means he is just crazy about pussy and I happen to have one. If literally your only interest in me is that I'm a woman then move along please and thank you, that shit is just as bad as chivalry.
→ I really, really love the thought of having a collection of dudes. To clarify, this is not actually anything new, but I did have a moment of awakening when I found myself getting turned on just from organizing the boys in my contacts list into categories: done with, potential keepers, and then just "boys" for the ones I really like. My boys. ♥
→ I hate being called "Goddess" or "Princess." I'll tolerate "Mistress" but it does nothing for me. I'm still not sold on "Ma'am" as a title, but I do really enjoy it as part of a response: "Yes ma'am," etc. Last night some dude called me "boss" and that was so delightful. Other favorites include "trouble" and "you. oh man. YOU."
→ I love calling dudes "honey," "sweetie," and occasionally "baby," especially if it embarrasses them.
→ I don't owe a dude anything just because he's interested in me. I feel like this is a Life Lesson and one that I knew, logically, in my brain, but perhaps not so much in my kokoro. But there was this one dude who was sooo fucking persistent and begged me over and over again to give him a chance, and I gave him my email address because I felt bad, and then after like the tenth email in one day I realized: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING. The whole point of this is for me to be happy and feel in control, so whyyy am I wasting my time and energy and happiness on this crybaby who just doesn't want to hear no? So I immediately messaged him, "It's not working out," put his email address in a filter that goes straight to the trash, and blocked him on CM, and with that I no longer have any fucks to give. That whiny, needy dude does not even deserve to kiss my ass, fucking A.
→ On that note: One of the things I crave most is making a guy beg, and then telling him no, and having that be okay.
And then today this guy messaged me. He seemed funny, and I wasn't doing anything, so we started chatting (which I usually don't do until I'm already invested in the guy). His profile says he's a switch, which is fine, but I definitely got the feeling that he was sort of... fighting for control of the conversation? And I am so tired of that bullshit -- most of the messages I get are from dudes throwing themselves at my feet but every now and then there will be one from some misogynist crybaby who wants to stomp his feet at me about how women can't really be dominants and blah blah blah -- and I just don't have the patience to try and ~prove myself~ or wrestle control away from this dude. If he wants it so bad, he can have it, seriously, I don't care. At one point he even said, "Does it feel like there's a power struggle here?" and I told him something like, "Uh, maybe to you, but I'm not interested in struggling for power with anyone. I'm not gonna submit to you or whatever but I'm not gonna waste my time trying to dominate the conversation. I don't care that much."
And suddenly the whole thing changed. He was like, "Hey, let me get on cam~" and he showed off a little bit for me, and he kept talking about wanting to hold my attention and keep me interested in him. And it was fun, but INB was going to be home soon, so I said I had to go.
And then things really changed.
He kept trying to convince me to stay. He kept offering things, like "What if I get on my knees?" and "What if I take my clothes off?". At first he just typed those things, but then, because he was on cam, he started actually saying them. And I just kept telling him, "Nope. By all means, get on your knees and beg if you want, but I'm not changing my mind." And finally I said, "I'm giving you three minutes, and then I'm logging off." And he really, really started begging, out loud: "Please, please don't leave, I'll get on my knees, I'll get on my knees right now, I'll take all my clothes off, please, just stay, I'll do anything--"
And then his three minutes were up.
So I logged off.
It felt so fucking good. It was absolutely amazing. And then hours later, when I got back online and he was still there, he begged me to let him do something for me, so I got him to gag himself with a pair of underwear and some duct tape and then jerk off until he was just at the edge of coming and I got to watch and hear the whole thing.
And afterwards, when he wanted more and I said that we were done for the night, and he asked why, I told him:
"Because I want you to know that I'm not always going to give you what you want just because you ask nicely."
And it was amazing.
Crossposted here on Dreamwidth. You can comment there anonymously or using OpenID. ♥