(no subject)
Birthdays are seemingly just days. They go by like your average day. I don't feel any older. I'm still going to tell people I am 18. I don't want to be older yet. I'm not done being young and stupid.
I'm feeling increasingly inferior to everyone I know. I thought I had a handle on this. I guess bad habits just die hard. I guess the truth is that I am less than nothing to everyone.
I hate that everyone I considered a best friend to this point is no longer a part of my life. It's better to burn out than to fade away in all cases. Everything starts to be about Trying To Make Things Work.
I got my chest piece started today. It hurt like fuck, obviously. My parents are actually going to disown me. Not that they were ever that attached to begin with. But seriously. I'm sorry that I am disappointing them with my own happiness.
Speaking of which, there is no winning. I've tried so hard to make people happy. I opted out of a potentially dramatic rooming situation for the happiness of other people, and people actually got mad at me for it. I'm sorry that I know I am never going to be content with anything, and that I want you to be glad with the way things are turning out. I'm sorry that I suck so bad at trying to please everyone, myself included.
I'm sorry that I even exist.
I'm sorry that I've become someone that even I don't recognise.
I'm sorry that I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I feel incredibly guilty all the time and there is really not a goddamn thing anyone can do to stop this, unless you just want to kill me. I've obviously failed all the times I've tried it.
I'm sick.
I'm feeling increasingly inferior to everyone I know. I thought I had a handle on this. I guess bad habits just die hard. I guess the truth is that I am less than nothing to everyone.
I hate that everyone I considered a best friend to this point is no longer a part of my life. It's better to burn out than to fade away in all cases. Everything starts to be about Trying To Make Things Work.
I got my chest piece started today. It hurt like fuck, obviously. My parents are actually going to disown me. Not that they were ever that attached to begin with. But seriously. I'm sorry that I am disappointing them with my own happiness.
Speaking of which, there is no winning. I've tried so hard to make people happy. I opted out of a potentially dramatic rooming situation for the happiness of other people, and people actually got mad at me for it. I'm sorry that I know I am never going to be content with anything, and that I want you to be glad with the way things are turning out. I'm sorry that I suck so bad at trying to please everyone, myself included.
I'm sorry that I even exist.
I'm sorry that I've become someone that even I don't recognise.
I'm sorry that I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I feel incredibly guilty all the time and there is really not a goddamn thing anyone can do to stop this, unless you just want to kill me. I've obviously failed all the times I've tried it.
I'm sick.