(no subject)
I think yesterday's rant both inspired and saved me. Inspired me in that I finally realized why it was all bugging me so much and saved me in that I didn't say all that to my mom's face. That wouldn't have been pretty. I feel kind of refreshed. Which got me to thinking; what do I have to loose by being honest with her? Why do I feel the need to hide my thoughts from her? She already knows about some of the craziness in my head and will frequently make snide asides about auras and such. If I'm comfortable enough to share that, why not this? Doesn't she deserve to know that her actions are affecting me so strongly?
Well the answer is twofold. First of all, I've committed to following their rules until I'm 18 and out of their house. And until I leave I'll pretend I'm whatever they want me to be. Pretend isn't a good word for it. Its just that I can't change what I feel to be truth so in that sense I'm pretending. Anyways. The point is that I'm ready to compromise myself in order to keep the peace. I can envision how certain future conversations will go; like when I tell them I'm not Christian, when I get married and refuse to have a 'real wedding', when (if by some miracle I have kids) I tell them my children won't be baptized until they are out of the house and able to make that decision in an educated manor, etc. For right now I want to enjoy being able to hang with my family and not having to worry about religious tensions. Gods know how weird Christmas will be.
Secondly, I want her to be able to look on my childhood as a productive result of her amazing parenting. Because she is a great parent and she deserves to think that I was a lovely little angel until college messed me up. I want her to blame it on anything but her. I disagree with her, I think she is rather bigoted in her view of certain world religions, and she gravely misunderstands the core concepts of certain people's beliefs but I love her more than she'll ever know and I refuse to both break her heart and make her think it was her doing.
Well the answer is twofold. First of all, I've committed to following their rules until I'm 18 and out of their house. And until I leave I'll pretend I'm whatever they want me to be. Pretend isn't a good word for it. Its just that I can't change what I feel to be truth so in that sense I'm pretending. Anyways. The point is that I'm ready to compromise myself in order to keep the peace. I can envision how certain future conversations will go; like when I tell them I'm not Christian, when I get married and refuse to have a 'real wedding', when (if by some miracle I have kids) I tell them my children won't be baptized until they are out of the house and able to make that decision in an educated manor, etc. For right now I want to enjoy being able to hang with my family and not having to worry about religious tensions. Gods know how weird Christmas will be.
Secondly, I want her to be able to look on my childhood as a productive result of her amazing parenting. Because she is a great parent and she deserves to think that I was a lovely little angel until college messed me up. I want her to blame it on anything but her. I disagree with her, I think she is rather bigoted in her view of certain world religions, and she gravely misunderstands the core concepts of certain people's beliefs but I love her more than she'll ever know and I refuse to both break her heart and make her think it was her doing.