(no subject)
I need a place to dump my thoughts. Hope my friends friend won't mind. It's going to be random and silly and if you don't know me half of it will sound like I'm batshit crazy (this is where I insert my required 'I swear I'm not though'), but I've never been one for handwriting all my thoughts in a journal so here it goes...
The College Ordeal
I don't want to stay close to home but as my favorite senior citizen once said, "You gotta stay where the money is." I want to go out west, live in a liberal state for once. Or at the very least, live far enough away I don't have to hide the fact I'm pagan (which admittedly would need to be out of state or country with the wat these Kentuckians spread gossip). But money is so tight I don't think I could bear asking my parents to let me go to a private out of state college. And no, I know what you're thinking, I may have a mind like a steel trap but I don't get near the grades I need for scholarships. Oh, and it turns out I'd be getting basically no money from FAFSA. Thanks parents for making just enough money that you're too poor to pay for my college education but too rich to help me get federal money for it. I still love you guys. I want out of here so bad it's like a burning in my chest. I don't think I've wanted anything more (except for maybe when I was little kid and wished for superpowers...wait a sec...).
The Batshit Crazy Part
There used to a time when I was convinced I was some sort of energy vampire. Of course that was before I knew they actually existed (turns out one of my frienemies is one...huh...) so I thought I was just going crazy. I've since dismissed the idea but it's kind of been nagging in the back of my mind lately. I have quite a few symptoms that resemble Psi-Vampirism. The most prevelant of which is the fact that I can barely sleep at night but I can sleep all I want during the day. Yeah, yeah, you're saying, the reason you can sleep during the day is because you stayed up all night. Wrong. I've tried everything except for sleeping pills and no matter what I'm always sleepy during the day. Even on the one night I actually got deep sleep, I spent the entire day in a fog, falling asleep in my classes. I'm sure there's another answer for it but I'm having a hard time believing the answers I come up with (I'm systematically trying to eleminate them) because they're feeling more and more like excuses. It's something. Vampirism? I don't really think so. But I have a feeling it has to do with some of my other crap. Either way, it's severely impairing my ability to function. I have a decision to make. Embrace it or force myself to adhere to a normal schedule? Both have benefits and drawbacks. I found out today that my school offers this deal where if you work twenty hours a week you get school credit and it doesn't matter what day or time of day it is. So I could work night shift at the nursing home, get paid above the minimum wage and not have to worry about acting normal. It appeals so much to me I'd like to hear your thoughts
Life Goals and Plans
So I'm guessing it's bad that I have no goal in life, that I don't have any clue what I want to do, and no clue what I like. Right? This has been on my mind so much it's like a constant buzzing in the back of my head. Why are you here? What are you going to do? What kind of person are you going to be? Questions we all ask but right now they seem especially immanent.