Freeze your blood and stab it into me.
This is my promise:
If there is something I want, I will make it happen.
I spend too much time sitting on my ass waiting for things. "Why can't I be one those girls that can eat whatever she wants and be skinny?" "Why can't guys always come to me?" "Why can't everything be the way I want it to be all the time?"
And I had a realization last nigth; I rarely do a DAMN thing to ensure that I get what I want. When I told you I wanted to kiss you, that was one of the few times I ever did something to get what I wanted. And when we kissed and touched at that time, it reminded me of that scene in Truly, Madly, Deeply where Alan Rickman is recounting the events of his first date with Juliet Stevenson, in which they spent the whole night just talking and by the morning when they finally kissed they wanted each other so badly that they couldn't even get their clothes off. You help make my life the movie I always wanted it to be. You help me live the life I've wanted. I feel younger with you then I ever had the chance to in high school. No, not younger. More youthful. I know I said some of these things earlier today, and maybe you won't even read this, but I want to know, too, that I've figured these things out. I care about you. I care about you a hell of a lot. And I think you're good for me, now. Because I miss you a lot, but not seeing you all the time forces me to enjoy my own company more. And I've always enjoyed the feeling walking in the late afternoon, but Stanford is probably the most beautiful place in the world right before sunset, especially at this time of year. The low sun stretches out the shadows of he oaks and buildings and makes them all mesh into one large shadow across the concrete. The light filters softly through colored leaves, welcoming you into the glow of heaven, the setting all the leaves ablaze with red and gold. And I never knew how wonderful it could feel to ride a bike, to sit up tall and ride straight down the impressive entrance that is Palm Drive. I enjoy the feel of a sudden breeze, the sounds of my singing voice. And it's all made richer somehow by the missing of you. And then when I see you, it's as though all those moments, those vague senses of joy have met up and joined together.
I want to eat sandwiches at 1AM in the radio station. I want to walk through the streets of the City holding your hand. I want to drag you to some vegan vietnamese restaurant with orange soy chicken. I want to make fun of you in Italian. I want to write you songs and make you mix tapes. I want to kiss you in the rain. I want to stay up all night in bed somewhere and talk and use our last bit of energy in a final act of passion before collapsing into each other's arms for bed. I want to make you breakfast wearing ruffly underwear and one of those black T-shirts you never seem to run out of. Let's sneak into the nature preserve and do nothing but run around under the subtle and limitless stars.
Life isn't for taking seriously.
I think honesty is one of the most important things to me. I want to be this honest with you from now on. Not honest like in my other posts. Those always failed to say what I meant to say. All of what I've just said, that is what I mean. Those other things were just things that were happening, but they said nothing about you and how I really felt. So I'm being honest now, and I will from now on. And I want you to do the same. If anything changes with you, with the way you feel, with what you want, let me know. I know you would, but just to have it said.
Everything is so open to me, right now. The world is just saying. "Here I am, Ashley, as open as a book." And I want to read every fucking page!
I'm kissing you right now. Can you feel it?
If there is something I want, I will make it happen.
I spend too much time sitting on my ass waiting for things. "Why can't I be one those girls that can eat whatever she wants and be skinny?" "Why can't guys always come to me?" "Why can't everything be the way I want it to be all the time?"
And I had a realization last nigth; I rarely do a DAMN thing to ensure that I get what I want. When I told you I wanted to kiss you, that was one of the few times I ever did something to get what I wanted. And when we kissed and touched at that time, it reminded me of that scene in Truly, Madly, Deeply where Alan Rickman is recounting the events of his first date with Juliet Stevenson, in which they spent the whole night just talking and by the morning when they finally kissed they wanted each other so badly that they couldn't even get their clothes off. You help make my life the movie I always wanted it to be. You help me live the life I've wanted. I feel younger with you then I ever had the chance to in high school. No, not younger. More youthful. I know I said some of these things earlier today, and maybe you won't even read this, but I want to know, too, that I've figured these things out. I care about you. I care about you a hell of a lot. And I think you're good for me, now. Because I miss you a lot, but not seeing you all the time forces me to enjoy my own company more. And I've always enjoyed the feeling walking in the late afternoon, but Stanford is probably the most beautiful place in the world right before sunset, especially at this time of year. The low sun stretches out the shadows of he oaks and buildings and makes them all mesh into one large shadow across the concrete. The light filters softly through colored leaves, welcoming you into the glow of heaven, the setting all the leaves ablaze with red and gold. And I never knew how wonderful it could feel to ride a bike, to sit up tall and ride straight down the impressive entrance that is Palm Drive. I enjoy the feel of a sudden breeze, the sounds of my singing voice. And it's all made richer somehow by the missing of you. And then when I see you, it's as though all those moments, those vague senses of joy have met up and joined together.
I want to eat sandwiches at 1AM in the radio station. I want to walk through the streets of the City holding your hand. I want to drag you to some vegan vietnamese restaurant with orange soy chicken. I want to make fun of you in Italian. I want to write you songs and make you mix tapes. I want to kiss you in the rain. I want to stay up all night in bed somewhere and talk and use our last bit of energy in a final act of passion before collapsing into each other's arms for bed. I want to make you breakfast wearing ruffly underwear and one of those black T-shirts you never seem to run out of. Let's sneak into the nature preserve and do nothing but run around under the subtle and limitless stars.
Life isn't for taking seriously.
I think honesty is one of the most important things to me. I want to be this honest with you from now on. Not honest like in my other posts. Those always failed to say what I meant to say. All of what I've just said, that is what I mean. Those other things were just things that were happening, but they said nothing about you and how I really felt. So I'm being honest now, and I will from now on. And I want you to do the same. If anything changes with you, with the way you feel, with what you want, let me know. I know you would, but just to have it said.
Everything is so open to me, right now. The world is just saying. "Here I am, Ashley, as open as a book." And I want to read every fucking page!
I'm kissing you right now. Can you feel it?