both. at the same time.
it's not a manic feeling, it's a balanced state.
what am i talking about? this way the i feel, all the time. months and months ago, while sitting on a the skidmore bluffs enjoying a picnic, some dude (who i was sleeping with that turned out to be kind of a jerk, go figure) asked me, "are you really so happy all the time? how can you be so happy? don't you ever get sad?"
i told him, "yes, i really am so happy. sure, i get sad too, life is very burdensome and full of shit, but i am very thankful for everything that i have."
the thing is, i don't get sad. i am always sad. i am always happy. my mind seems to be in a constant state of being thankful and celebrating everything i have while also feeling terribly sad about things in my personal life and the world. sometimes it's more one than the other, but it's definitely, always both. this is how i can laugh at myself even in my most desperate, tearful moments.
i believe that i have discussed my overdeveloped sense of empathy in this journal before, this is part of what causes sadness to consistently plague my thoughts. if i see someone around me suffering, it really puts a stick in my wheel. i won't be able to put it out of my mind for at least the rest of the day. when i see someone crying in public, i want to cry - and often do - and when i see someone laughing, i've at least go to crack a smile. this overdeveloped sense of empathy also contributes to why i am so intolerant of people who seem to intentionally do things to hurt others or who are manipulative. why would would anyone want to hurt someone else's feelings on purpose? why don't people care more? why don't people put each other in one another's shoes more? fuck, i just don't get it and i've got no room for it.
let's all help each other find the little bit of happiness we can.
what am i talking about? this way the i feel, all the time. months and months ago, while sitting on a the skidmore bluffs enjoying a picnic, some dude (who i was sleeping with that turned out to be kind of a jerk, go figure) asked me, "are you really so happy all the time? how can you be so happy? don't you ever get sad?"
i told him, "yes, i really am so happy. sure, i get sad too, life is very burdensome and full of shit, but i am very thankful for everything that i have."
the thing is, i don't get sad. i am always sad. i am always happy. my mind seems to be in a constant state of being thankful and celebrating everything i have while also feeling terribly sad about things in my personal life and the world. sometimes it's more one than the other, but it's definitely, always both. this is how i can laugh at myself even in my most desperate, tearful moments.
i believe that i have discussed my overdeveloped sense of empathy in this journal before, this is part of what causes sadness to consistently plague my thoughts. if i see someone around me suffering, it really puts a stick in my wheel. i won't be able to put it out of my mind for at least the rest of the day. when i see someone crying in public, i want to cry - and often do - and when i see someone laughing, i've at least go to crack a smile. this overdeveloped sense of empathy also contributes to why i am so intolerant of people who seem to intentionally do things to hurt others or who are manipulative. why would would anyone want to hurt someone else's feelings on purpose? why don't people care more? why don't people put each other in one another's shoes more? fuck, i just don't get it and i've got no room for it.
let's all help each other find the little bit of happiness we can.