I guess it wouldn't be love if we didn't feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows...
I realized late last night that I have no idea what love really feels like. I tried my hardest to find a happy thought to carry me off into sleep but failed miserably. You know me, I've always had an affinity for the overlydramatic. It's not that I don't know how to love a girl because I'm most certain that I do, it's just I have yet to experience her return the favor. This is not a complaint, it's just the truth. You can not force someone to love you, you can not make them feel the same way that you do. It is what it is, a conditional agreement with undefined terms. But I am not one to make deals with my heart. Perhaps I should be more crafty, plan things out more carefully, but where is the passion in that? Love is not something to be calculated and manipulated into what fits you best. It is everchanging and unpredictable, pliable and never cast into a mold. It only works if you let it.
And here I am, mocking myself for speaking with such brevity. This is only my assumption, my ideals. There is no bigger fool than a person who speaks of what he knows nothing about. So, what am I to you? The few who read this will throw me pity, assure me that one day I'll experience it for myself. It seems that everyone is an expert when it comes to love. You will tell me that I'm a good person, that any girl would be lucky to have me but what makes you so sure of that? I know your intentions come from compassionate hearts, I am not chastizing your friendship. It's just that after 25 years, I have no clue what it feels like to hold a girl's hand because it's there. I have no idea what it feels like to kiss a girl goodbye on the lips because that's just what you do. I don't know what a slowdance feels like or what it feels like to have her fall asleep beside me. I just don't know what it is to touch her because there's nothing in the world that could stop me from knowing every inch of her body.
I have been denied all of this over and over and over again. Believe me, it can take a lot out of you. But this is no happy coincidence, it is not some unlucky streak dying to be broken. This is my life. What the hell am I supposed to do? The days pile up on top of eachother. I keep waking up with the same reluctance and it all repeats itself on a whim. My friends are getting married...MARRIED for God's sake and I haven't even kissed a girl that I've loved. And that hits me like a ton of bricks. I have nothing. What the fuck.
"Loaded gun complex. Cock it and pull it."
And here I am, mocking myself for speaking with such brevity. This is only my assumption, my ideals. There is no bigger fool than a person who speaks of what he knows nothing about. So, what am I to you? The few who read this will throw me pity, assure me that one day I'll experience it for myself. It seems that everyone is an expert when it comes to love. You will tell me that I'm a good person, that any girl would be lucky to have me but what makes you so sure of that? I know your intentions come from compassionate hearts, I am not chastizing your friendship. It's just that after 25 years, I have no clue what it feels like to hold a girl's hand because it's there. I have no idea what it feels like to kiss a girl goodbye on the lips because that's just what you do. I don't know what a slowdance feels like or what it feels like to have her fall asleep beside me. I just don't know what it is to touch her because there's nothing in the world that could stop me from knowing every inch of her body.
I have been denied all of this over and over and over again. Believe me, it can take a lot out of you. But this is no happy coincidence, it is not some unlucky streak dying to be broken. This is my life. What the hell am I supposed to do? The days pile up on top of eachother. I keep waking up with the same reluctance and it all repeats itself on a whim. My friends are getting married...MARRIED for God's sake and I haven't even kissed a girl that I've loved. And that hits me like a ton of bricks. I have nothing. What the fuck.
"Loaded gun complex. Cock it and pull it."